


Enough

by RainbowRain17



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Dark Times, Depression, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Character Death, NYU - Freeform, Not Canon Compliant, Reddie, no pennywise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-03-20 05:24:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 50,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13710762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowRain17/pseuds/RainbowRain17
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak, 22 years old, pre-med student at NYU, thought he had left everything behind in Derry, Maine; his mother, placebos, lies and his bad past. After all that he had been through, he is now living in New York with his boyfriend, Richie Tozier and a happy ending seems so close in the future. However, one day he receives a phone call from his hometown that changes everything and Eddie is once more left to question whether his whole life has been a lie.





	1. The phone call

 

“Students time’s up. Please stop writing and remain in your seat until your answer booklet has been collected.”

With the final instruction from the invigilator, the previously silence hall reverberates with varying sighs of college students, some crying out from relief, some from unreversed regret while the rest share the sound of blank mindedness. Final weeks are hell, they are the testament of it and damnit!, they’ve survived.

Eddie lets out a relief sigh, closing his answer booklet and wait for the invigilator. He can’t seem to stop the shaky, exhilarated smile appearing on his mouth. The knowledge that he has just finished his final paper for the semester makes him want to pump his fist in the air; just like Bender at the end of The Breakfast Club, but still, he have enough sense to contain himself from actually executing it. He is now a free man, at least for another five months before final month appears again, unleashing its hellish presence onto unsuspecting college students.

After almost 20 minutes of wait, his answer booklet is finally collected. Eddie stays still in his seat while the invigilators gather at the front of the hall, making sure that everything is accounted for. 10 more minutes pass and finally the students are allowed to leave. An eruption of cheers rains in the examination hall, making the invigilators shake their head in disguised exasperation. However, deep down they understand. They were that young once.

Eddie collects his pens and student ID then glances around the hall. He meets eyes with one of his classmates, Ella, who upon noticing him, rises up her thumb lamely, sporting the same endearing manic smile on her face. Eddie grins, beckoning her to walk together with him. They talk on their way out, trying to pass through the river of shoving students, impatient to head towards their freedom. The two of them compare answers and share plans for the semester break. Ella is planning on going back to her family in the Hamptons _\- from that context alone Eddie gets the feeling that her family must be rich -_ while Eddie is planning on staying and work at the coffee shop he already part time at since the 2 nd semester. He wouldn’t be alone though as Richie, his boyfriend of 6 years would be staying behind in New York as well.

They reach the corridor, collect their bags, Ella offering Eddie a ride but he declines. Afterwards they share goodbyes before going their separate way. Eddie actually enjoys the walk through the University park before reaching the bus station. Also, he can’t remember the last time he has been outside, too consumed with revision; holed up in his apartment or the library these past few weeks. He has the sudden ache for fresh air and nature.

The grass is damp underneath the soles of his feet, making squishy sounds as he trudges through. The sky is grey, a remnant of the heavy rain this morning. Thankfully, it had died down long before or Eddie might have to call for Richie to pick him up. Eddie doesn’t want to disturb Richie if he can help it. His last paper would be in two days. He’s probably studying at the moment or knowing his boyfriend, probably is procrastinating and glued to his laptop, playing The Sims 4. Eddie shakes his head fondly at the mental image of his boyfriend, in his t-shirt and boxer, a cereal box _(usually froot loops)_ on his lap, storming up Crackhouse Street – the name for his fictional town, neglecting his revision session because, “Eds, babe, who else is going to feed my husband Eduardo and our 6 children?”

And Eddie would roll his eyes but he wouldn’t really worry about Richie because he is practically a genius, who chose to major in Theatre much to the surprise of their high-school teachers _\- especially Mr. Waltz who have hoped he major in any of the S.T.E.M field instead –_ but as expected by the Losers – _the name their group of friends have christened themselves._ Eddie has seen it before, bear witness to watching Richie studying for his English paper the night before the final and scoring an A+.

If he has to ever be honest with himself, Eddie must admit that he’s a bit jealous of Richie for his smarts. Eddie can’t afford to do that. It’s not easy being a pre-med student. The syllabus isn’t something that can be learned a week before the final, even a month prior preparation doesn’t suffice. Being a pre-med student demands months of preparation before one can even deemed themselves worthy enough to sit for the final examination. Eddie has seen it all, a classmate or two breaking down in the middle of lectures and those who quit halfway and claim they would try their hands in stripping instead. Eddie had hoped they were kidding but even if they weren’t, he can’t argue that it wasn’t a good plan. They do make a lot and Eddie have on multiple occasions questioned himself whether all the late nights memorizing facts and stressing out is even worth it just to have the title of Dr. in front of his name someday.

But of course he always snaps out of it, that’s just stress talk. See, Eddie was 17 when he found his passion, a reason to exist in this world; which is to save lives. Have set his sight on taking pre-med in university, and then decide on a field once entering medical school and maybe joining Doctors without Borders someday. He would write that Dr. before his name someday and that’s what drives him every day; his motivation behind every perfectly written assignment. It’s his consolation for every late night spent hitting the books when his whole body craves for nothing more than sleep.

It’s ironic how a once fragile young boy from Derry who has believed that almost everything in this world was contagious and potentially fatal is now studying on facts about diseases that once would plagued him with nightmares. Nightmares that would ran for days until there was another anxiety to cover, another new pill to try.

It’s unthinkable that a young boy who once swore that he would never consume another drop of medicine after discovering that the pills that he had been fed, to supposedly protect him from anything that was invisible to the naked eyes were placebos, is now in peace over the fact that medicines do help people, real medicine, not empty ones to ease the anxiety of his demented mother.

That was 6 years ago, and Eddie whole world had crumbled back then by the perfect lie created by his mother. She almost got away with it, almost successful in turning Eddie into the germ-free, pristine and sterile puppet she had wanted for a son. Eddie was lucky that the old pharmacist, Mr. Keene took pity on him and spilled the truth. And Eddie, 16 years old, has confronted his mother, whose final defence was by trying to guilt him for even questioning her obvious love for him, the love that had driven her to seek all those protection; a bubble to shield Eddie from this filthy, disease ridden world.

But somehow, Eddie just couldn’t find it in himself to believe her. He was livid and in that short span on time, he was no longer the innocent wide eyed mama boy who believed her every word, always afraid. He was a broken boy, suddenly a cynic. Thankfully the Losers helped pull him back together and install that bit of faith in his heart that something still can be good in this world. Overtime, his faith in everything that is good grows bigger because his good friends exist in his life. And he is forever indebted to those 6 people whom he considers his family.

And also, there was Richie. It was the summer that Eddie threw his inhaler in the quarry and the summer when Eddie realized that he’s in love. It was also the summer Eddie knew the pure elation of reciprocated feelings. They have been together since.

The bus pulls to his destination. Eddie exits the bus, suddenly frustrated to have let his mind wander that far back. He hasn’t spoken to his mother in almost 4 years, since he left for New York. How can he start a conversation with someone who has refused to acknowledge him just because he is gay? Eddie only heard snippets of his mother’s lives through Maggie, Richie’s mum. Last he heard his mother is now living at an assisted care facility after suffering from a stroke during his second semester. Eddie had wanted to pay her a visit but was afraid of another rejection, so he didn’t.

Eddie makes a turn to the grocery store, remembering that he needs to buy some supplies. Final weeks had made both of them so busy that all they had these past few weeks were fast foods. However, he doesn’t think that he is up to cooking this evening so he types a message to Richie asking whether he’s at home and whether he would like to have dinner outside or have take-outs.

A reply comes from Richie less than 30 seconds later with a simple ‘pizza please.’ Eddie has this soft smile as he heads to their favourite Italian restaurant that serves the best pizza. He makes an order of 2 toppings pizza, one half pepperonis and another half, Hawaiian. Richie despises pineapples on his pizza, says it’s a disgrace to his mouth, but Eddie loves them. While waiting for his order, Eddie browses through his Instagram, through Richie’s account specifically, looking at old photos of the losers and a recent one. It is a photo of the two of them in bed on a Sunday morning, underneath thick white blankets. Richie was beaming at camera while Eddie hides his face at the crook of his neck, hand laid across his chest, the corner of his mouth curved into obvious smile. Richie had captioned the picture as _‘Early bird gets the worm.’_ Stan has commented on the picture with, _‘Nobody asks, Richie’_ followed by the unamused emoji. Eddie had scolded Richie for making it look like they just had sex when in fact nothing happened, they were just cuddling but he won’t budge, determined to annoy their friends. It was only when his mum commented with _‘Son…’_ that he finally relented, re-captioning it as _‘I love one boy.’_ Stan comment was, _‘Vomit.’_ Eddie couldn’t admit to Richie that it is one of his favourite photos of the two of them.

*********

Eddie opens the door to their shared apartment. He and Richie have been renting the place for almost 3 years, deciding to take a chance on off campus living sometimes during the middle of 2nd semester. Richie was tired of having to kick Eddie’s roommate out so that he can stay the night while Eddie simply wanted to have his own space. His roommate was fine; just that moving in with Richie seemed like a natural progression in their relationship.

He kicks off his sneakers and shrugs out of his coat. He places the plastic bags occupying his hands on the kitchen table just to the left of the entrance. The living room is empty and he wonders where his 6’2 boyfriend is. Then, he fills a glass of water from the faucet and drains it in one go, another thing that is overdue; drink more water as he can feel the tightness of the skin on his face and stinging chaps on his lips.

“Richie,” he calls out while taking out the box of pizza and the bottle of wine from the cupboard. The sound of rushed footsteps to their small kitchen interrupts the once quiet apartment. Richie comes to a halt and pokes his head full of dark curls around the corner and Eddie sees his thick rimmed glasses before his face fully materialise in his brain. His heart warms instantly.

“Eds, baby, you’re home,” Richie says excitedly. In a matter of seconds, Richie is lifting him, arranging his legs to wrap around his waist and then peppering his face with random kisses. Eddie automatically circles his hands around Richie’s neck. 

“Richie stops,” he giggles, eyes closed with giddiness as he continues letting Richie kiss him despite his ‘protest.’

“I miss you,” Richie says before leaning in to peck Eddie sweetly on the lips, pulls away before giving him another one, then a final one before lowering him back to his feet.

“You just saw me this morning,” Eddie says.

“Exactly, this morning was a long time ago and now it’s the afternoon and I miss this cute face,” Richie says, pinching Eddie’s right cheek. Then he reaches around his back to grab at his backside, “and these guys,” he continues, squeezing his ass for good measure.

Eddie simply shakes his head, rolling his eyes but smiling none the less. He hands the box of pizza and red wine to Richie then reaches for a glass and a can of soda which makes Richie raises his right eyebrow, perplexed.

“You know the rules Richie, no alcohol until we’ve finished our final and you still have a paper left,” Eddie says.

“You’re mean Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie pouts.

Eddie merely shrugs, unsympathetic. Then out of habit circles his free hand around Richie’s waist. His head which falls perfectly around his chest, find its leaning spot and Eddie takes in the comforting smell and feel that belong exclusively to his boyfriend.

“So how was your paper?” Richie asks as they walk to the living room, his hand wrap around Eddie’s shoulders affectionately, voice uncharacteristically soft.

“It was fine. Glad it’s over,” Eddie says as they settle on the couch.

Richie nods understandably and then kisses his head gently. They eat in comfortable silence, Richie occasionally teasing him and trying to get Eddie to make an exception to the no alcohol rule but Eddie is refusing to make an allowance. Instead he makes a show of sipping his wine, further intensifying the jealousy in his boyfriend. Eddie pours another glass of wine and sips a mouthful, staring smugly at Richie with cheeks bulging, then instantly regretting it when Richie presses his open mouth against his closed one and squishes both of his cheeks. This causes Eddie to spit out the wine where sprays of it get into Richie’s mouth while some splatters across his face and behind his glasses.

“Richie, that’s gross,” he shrieks, wiping the trails of spilled wine at the corners of his mouth and chin. He wants to get mad but looking at Richie’s wine streak face and the flustered way he is trying to wipe it off, Eddie couldn’t help but to burst out laughing. That’s punishment enough.

Seeing his boyfriend laughing instead of scolding him sends Richie laughing as well although he’s kind of embarrassed with himself. 

Richie’s laughter settles while Eddie can’t seem to stop. And Richie, he just stares, in awe. He wonders how it is even possible to be more in love than he just was 2 seconds ago. Eddie is just so, beautiful, with his head thrown back against the couch, eyes crinkling at the corner and cheeks red from laughter and wine. He absorbs it in his mind, memorizing this face, one he hasn’t seen in a while because Eddie during final week was a ball of stress and agitation, mouth in permanent thin line and exhausted eyes.

Richie knows how hard his boyfriend has to work to maintain his above 3.50 gpa due to his scholarship. How ridiculously discipline he is to the point of causing unnecessary stress. Richie understands it’s something that Eddie needs to do. But it doesn’t stop him from worrying because sometimes Eddie takes it too far. Like last week when he locks himself up in the spare room to study for 12 hours straight and forgot to eat and ended up light-headed because he had done the same the day before. Richie had been annoyed at him when he just shrug it off, acting like it wasn’t a big deal when Richie had forced him to eat a couple of sandwiches and drink some water.

He’s stubborn and even though he would never say it out loud, Richie knows that a part of that stubborn determination is linked to his mother. He constantly feels as if he needs to prove something to her.  Makes him think that a mere degree is not enough, he has to be the one of the best in his class as well. Which is ridiculous in his opinion, she’s out of his life now and Richie likes to thinks that they are happy. So why even bother? However, he knows that he can’t control what goes on in Eddie’s head and his insistence on putting her in the equation that is his life.

Finally, Eddie stops laughing, wiping the jovial tears from his eyes. “You’re an idiot,” he says without heat.

Richie snaps out of his earlier thoughts and gives his boyfriend a goofy smile, “Yeah,” he agrees.

Eddie reaches to take off his glasses and wipe it off with the hem of his t-shirt. “Here, now there’s no more wine on it,” he puts it back on Richie, staring at his instantly magnified eyes behind the lenses, giving him the appearance of a goldfish, almost. He is so good looking, Eddie admires, a fond smile forming on his lips.

Meanwhile, with the glasses on, Richie now sees his whole world, with a sweet smile on his face and he can’t help himself, “Why are you staring at me like a pervert?” he teases before launching at Eddie, who yelps in surprise but let Richie straddles his lap.

“I’m not staring at you, I’m just wondering why am I in a relationship with someone who looks like a goldfish,” Eddie teases back.

Richie clutches his hands over his chest, pretending to be hurt, “You hurt me Spaghetti,” he cries.

Eddie just laughs it off and damn, there are those crinkles again, at the corner of his eyes and Richie really couldn’t help himself anymore. He crashes his lips on Eddie, causing the laughter to die down in the latter’s mouth. Eddie’s hand found Richie’s hair and he tugs on the thick curls to angle his head to deepen the kiss. They pull back to catch air, eyes meeting each other and getting lost in the affection that shines within them.

“I love you,” Richie almost whispers, trailing every feature on Eddie’s face; his button nose, the light freckles that sprawls across them _– his personal constellation -_ and at his small rose-bud lips.

Richie notices his reddening cheeks before a shy smile appears on that cute lips and Eddie replies with “I love you too.”

They dive into each other once more for an open mouthed kiss, tongues stroking against each other, tasting and wanting. Eddie is gripping the front of Richie’s t-shirt, moaning at the sensation of having Richie’s tongue moving in his mouth and Richie’s hand splaying across his back, pushing and pressing their bodies even closer together. Then Richie moves his lips to trail kisses along Eddie’s jaw, licking to taste the sweet skin and biting because all control is lost in the heat of the moment. He then moves down to Eddie’s neck, kissing his throat, mouthing his bobbing adam’s apple. Eddie hooks his hands around Richie’s shoulder and throws his head backward to give him more access to leave his marks on him and when Richie reaches that one sensitive spot below his ear, he hips buck up, crotch rubbing against his boyfriend’s, sending jolts of pleasure in their bodies, causing them to moan. Eddie can feel it, the hardness pressing against him and notices the dark lustful stare his boyfriend is giving him, making him flushes red all the way from his chest to his face.

Richie cups his hand behind Eddie’s ear, his thumb caressing his cheek and he leans down to take Eddie’s lower lip with his teeth, nibbling it gently, then sucking on it before releasing with a soft ‘pop’. He tugs Eddie’s hair lightly, angling his head sideway, to suck on his left neck, trailing his open mouth, tongues darting between and lips sucking on the way down to the spot where his neck meets his shoulder before working his way up to his ear.

“Richie,” Eddie whines when Richie’s lips once again latch on that sensitive spot, sending delicious shivers down his spine. His voice saying his name that way further adds fuel to the fire frantically building up in his stomach.  Richie licks his earlobe before he bites it making Eddie whines his name again.

“I want you,” he whispers and shivers rakes through Eddie’s body. He wants him too, so bad.

Eddie pushes Richie gently off him, “Bedroom,” he commands and Richie wastes no time in hauling his boyfriend up in him arms to carry him to their bedroom.

Eddie’s laughter echoes throughout the small hallway when Richie jokes, “That was easy.”

“Asshole.”

*********

Eddie sighs contently once his head lands on the soft pillow on the bed. He throws the blanket around his body, the insides cool and comforting. His pyjama is soft and smells like peaches and he is squeaky clean from his shower with Richie earlier.

Richie has decided to continue with his revision while Eddie decided to take a nap, determined to catch up on the sleep he has depraved himself from these past few weeks. That’s the reason why he’s in his pyjama at 5 pm in the afternoon. And if he wasn’t tired before he is now considering his earlier activity with Richie. Just the thought of what they just did on the same bed he is now lying on makes him blush and Eddie has this love-struck smile as he drifts off to sleep.

*********

Sometimes around 5.30 pm, he feels a dip next to him on the bed and a hand snaking around his stomach to press his back against a warm chest. He leans into it without opening his eyes, knowing its Richie, who would claim _– if asked -_ in need of a power nap while Eddie knows it to be a procrastination one.

*********

The sound of his hand phone ringing is what wakes him up at 10.11 pm. Eddie rubs at his bleary eyes, staring at the unfamiliar number. His stomach tightens once he takes in the area code – Maine’s. The ringing is persistent. He answers it.

“Hello, may I speak with Mr. Eddie Kaspbrak?” the male caller asks. Eddie acknowledges that it is him with a sinking feeling that he couldn’t be a bearer of good news.

“I’m Barry Holmes, calling from Derry Memorial Hospital,” he introduces himself. Eddie now catches the grave tone he speaks in. His stomach tightens more.

“I’m sorry to inform you that your mother, Ms. Sonia Kaspbrak has been placed in the ICU due to stroke. On behalf of the hospital, I would like to advise you to go to the hospital as soon as you can.”

Eddie breath catches in his throat, stunned.

He doesn’t remember what happens next.

*********

Richie has heard the distant ringing of the phone from their room, then Eddie answering it. He would have ignored it if it isn’t the sudden eerie quiet that follows. It makes him curious enough to pull him from his books _– not that he would need any concrete reason to forgo studying - and_ he walks the short distance to their bedroom, only to find his boyfriend sitting still like a statute on the bed; his handphone clutched tightly in between his hands, staring blankly at the screen.

“Eddie,” he says, worry lace his tone as he stands at the doorway.

Eddie it seems is not hearing him as he continues to stare at the phone.

“Baby,” Richie rushes in, now really worried. 

“Eddie!” he shouts when Eddie’s eyes roll backward in his head.

He doesn’t make it in time to catch Eddie as he drops sideway from the bed onto the hardwood floor. The loud thud making Richie flinches.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Derry, Maine

Once Richie managed to rouse Eddie from his unconsciousness, Eddie had cried on his chest for a good 2 hours. He was a wreck, conflicted between going back to Derry and staying behind. He poured his heart out to Richie, lamented his inner turmoil to his boyfriend, hoping that Richie somehow held the answer to his conflict in the palm of his hands. Eddie was feeling a mixture of emotion; upset about his mother being in a coma, then guilty for not visiting her once in the 4 years he had been in New York and devastated that it was veering on being too late.

Truth to be told, Richie had no idea what to do. But he knew Eddie, can read him like an open book. He knew Eddie would want to go back, that he was too much of a good person to not go to the hospital especially it was pretty much made clear that there is no more hope for Sonia. She is practically on her death bed.

_“She ha-hates me Richie. I-I don’t think it’s a… good idea for me to go to the hospital. She wouldn’t, wouldn’t want me to be there,”_ Eddie had said through thick sobs, burrowing his face further onto Richie’s chest as if wanting to hide.

_"Then don’t go. Stay here and I’ll get my mum to check on her,”_ Richie consoled, rubbing Eddie’s back soothingly. The front of his shirt clung to his skin, sticky and wet from Eddie’s tears. He pulled himself back and took Eddie’s face in between his palms. Eddie stared right back at him; his eyes somehow shining more with tears and his sobs once again broke through the room.

_“But what if I regret it? What if she dies and I’ll never get to see her one last time? Does that make me a bad person?”_ Eddie cried, releasing his face from Richie’s hold to press his own hands over his face. He had his back onto Richie, embarrassed to be so emotional. It didn’t help that his mother’s face kept appearing in front of his eyes and he felt an unexplainable kind of longing to see her but at the same time he was just afraid. He was aware that was stupid. She is brain dead at the hospital, a vegetable to put it simply and wouldn’t know of his presence.

Then a sudden fleeting thought crossed his mind, _“wouldn’t be able to say she’s disappointed in me,”_ and right after, he felt rotten to the very core. Her mother was dying and all he cared about was his fear of another rejection.

And that made up his mind. He decided to go back to Derry.

Then it was a scrambled to pack up and get himself ready while Richie urgently booked him a 6 am flight. It was around 3am when they left for the airport. The silence between them stretching throughout the whole ride, Eddie’s mind preoccupied with various scenarios of what might happen once he’s in Derry while Richie was mindful to give Eddie all the space he needs to think; chewing on his bottom lip as he stole glances at his boyfriend.

*****

Finally they have arrive and New York being New York, the airport is busy as usual. People are exiting from red eye flights, walking like zombies while begrudgingly pulling at their luggages; obviously craving nothing more than maybe a cup of coffee and their sweet beds waiting at home. Then there are those about to board a flight, some with anxious eyes as they look down at their watches or phones to make sure that they are just in time while some wear the alert expression of a hawk as they scan the various signage that point to different terminals. And there is Eddie, who is looking blankly outside the window. Richie gets the feeling that his mind is not with him at the airport, in fact he’s pretty sure his spirit is already in Derry.

“Do you have your ID?” Richie asks gently, breaking the silence. It is loud enough to startle Eddie apparently. Eddie blinks at him momentarily before reaching for his backpack placed near his feet, scouring the content inside.

“Yeah,” he says.

“Boarding pass?” Richie knows that Eddie has it, in fact he was the one to hand it for him but he just wants to get Eddie to talk, needing to hear his voice.

“Yup,” Eddie merely nods, there’s this nervous glint behind his eyes that Richie recognizes. He reaches to brush away stray wavy strands across his boyfriend’s forehead, giving him a soft smile, trying to communicate to him that there is nothing to be afraid of, that he’s always there if Eddie needs him. His fingers trail to the back of his head, thumb stroking the nape of his neck with soothingly and Eddie gives into the familiar touch, his posture relaxing and shoulders less tense.

“Mike is going to pick you up from the airport and I’ve told my parents that you’re gonna be staying with them for a while. Does that sound good?” Richie asks once again.

“Ok,” Eddie replies meekly, eyes searching Richie’s face before turning his gaze away to press his fingers over his eyelids. Then he breaks down in tears.

Richie looks over at his shaking form sadly, hating seeing Eddie in so much pain. “Oh, baby,” he cooed, reaching over the console to wrap his arm around his middle and envelops him in a firm hug.

Eddie presses his wet face at the crook of Richie’s neck, letting his sorrow out, not actually sure the cause of it. It’s just that he can’t seem to focus on one thought, he feels them all at once and it causes this pressing ache to his heart, weighing it down.

“Hey, hey, it’s gonna be ok,” Richie repeats the words he have been saying since last night, running his hands up and down Eddie’s back, hoping it would provide him some comfort and a sense of calm. But Eddie’s small frame seems to shake more that Richie can feel the extent of his sorrow vibrating into his chest, making him feel helpless himself.

“It’s not too late. You still get to say goodbye,” at this words, it seems impossible, but Eddie cries harder. The realisation that there is no other outcome than his mother’s impending death that awaits him in Derry crushes him. He’s not ready to say goodbye.

“You’re not gonna be alone, Mike’s there and my parents. And I’m gonna be joining you in 2 days,” Richie says, feeling the motion of Eddie’s head as he nods, sobs finally ceasing into deep breaths. Slowly Eddie pulls his face up and Richie takes in his wet face and red eyes. Richie pulls out a couple of tissues from the box attached to the sun visor then starts wiping the wet streaks on his boyfriend’s face.

“There you go, that’s my sweet Eds,” he says playfully but cautiously at the same time.

Eddie manages a weak smile and inhales deeply, “Thanks Rich. For everything. I love you,” he says.

“I love you too, baby,” Richie’s cups his face in between his palms, stroking his cheekbones tenderly before planting a brief kiss on his forehead, then onto both of his cheeks before finally landing a sweet one on his lips. They pull away at the sound of angry honk from the car behind them. Just another typical angry New Yorker it seems. They pull apart, Richie fighting down the temptation to open the window to flip them the bird.

“I better make a move,” Eddie decides, strapping on his backpack and taking the duffel bag from Richie. “Be careful on the road,” he tells Richie then kisses him on his right cheek.

“Call me once you’ve arrived,” Richie reminds him before the passenger side door closes behind Eddie.

Eddie takes one final glance at Richie; smiles then walk towards the direction of the departure hall.

Richie watches the retreating back of his boyfriend, ignoring the increasingly persistent honking behind him. He only pulls away after Eddie disappears from view completely in which the car then slots in rather aggressively into the previously occupied space. He doesn’t care, in fact he doesn’t even notice, already counting the hours until he can finally board the flight to join Eddie. His mind takes him back to the image of Eddie’s retreating back just a few minutes ago, his eyes tear a bit and he doesn’t understand why. He misses his boyfriend already.

*****

Stepping down from the plane and entering Maine’s airport brings an onslaught of memories to Eddie’s mind; the good and the bad all mixing into one, increasing his anxiety. For a moment, he feels like he is unable to breathe and he fumbles, reaching for an inhaler that no longer exists. He cringes at his subconscious action, ashamed that it’s only been a few minutes and he’s already such a mess. Then he catches the sight of Mike waiting for him outside the arrival hall. Mike, in his white t-shirt and faded jeans, beaming at him with a kind smile and Eddie feels right again, relief to see his familiar face, one that holds only good memories in his mind. He rushes to his friend and embraces him with much fervour.

“Hey, how are you? Thanks for picking me up,” Eddie says as they let go of each other. Mike automatically reaching for the duffel bag strapped on his right shoulder, chuckling good naturedly when Eddie protests. The latter lets him, huffing in annoyance as he follows him.

“I’m good Eddie. Gosh, it’s been so long since, I miss you. Too bad it has to be under this kind of circumstances,” Mike replies as he ushers Eddie to his pickup truck.

Eddie drops his gaze on the ground, nods his head solemnly but doesn’t make any comment as he enters the truck. Mike starts the engine and Eddie settles into the comfortable leather seat. The journey to Derry will take about an hour and Eddie is grateful over the fact that he had some time to think before arriving at the hospital. Mike seems to understand, doesn’t try to coax too much conversation out of him. The ride is spent mostly in comfortable silence between the two good friends. Then Mike asks him whether he would like to stop by Richie’s parent house to drop off his bags or to head straight to the hospital; Eddie chooses the hospital. Then with the mention of Richie’s parent, he types out a message to inform his boyfriend that he had arrived and is with Mike, not really in the mood for a phone conversation.

Richie’s reply comes less than 30 seconds later; “That’s good to hear Eds. Please take care. I love you. Tell Mikey I say hi.”

“Richie says hi,” Eddie relays the message to Mike, whom smiles in return.

“How is he? he asks.

“Richie’s the same. Did you know he tried to win a pie eating contest? That idiot only got to 5 pies before throwing up on the stage. It was so fucking embarrassing and gross. All because he wanted to win a hoover board. A freakin’ hoover board Mikey, he can’t even walk in a straight line. That idiot,” Eddie recalls, a fond smile forming at the thought of his boyfriend who had been so bummed out at losing to some girl who’s like half his size. He spent the whole week pouting and getting triggered over the mention of pie. He had even sworn that he would never touch another pie in his life. “They’ve failed me Eds,” he exaggerated, only to be stuffing his face with some Nutella pie less than a week after.  God, he is always so dramatic.

Mike chuckles, shaking his head at the mention of Richie’s antic. “Yeah, I’ve heard. You guys seem so happy. I’m glad Eddie. You guys deserve it, especially you.” Mike says sincerely.

Eddie is at loss of words as he stares at Mike. At this kind hearted person whom had offered shelter to him when he was kicked out of the house after confessing to his mother that he was gay. It was the most chaotic moment of his life, realising that his mother was able to push aside all emotional attachment to him, her own son whom she had smothered with excessive concern, just because his sexual orientation wasn’t what was expected. At that time Eddie had felt betrayed. Devastated, that the supposedly embedded motherly instinct to love him unconditionally was absent in his mother. In fact she had cast him aside without a single compromise. That unconditional love that he needed at the time instead came in the form of 6 friends, his real family. They came through in ways that Eddie knows will take him forever to repay.

He remembered that day clearly – _doesn’t think he would be able to forget it completely even if he tries.  –_ They were supposed to have a party to celebrate having all received their college acceptance letters. He remembered how it had felt when he arrived at the quarry on his bike with a duffel bag containing some clothes and everything that was important to him; a single photo of his deceased father, academic certificates, his social document and the silver pin carrying Richie’s initial that his boyfriend had given him for his 17 th birthday. There were bruises on his left cheek after his mother slapped him, his eyes red and swollen. He remembered crying in front of the losers, something he had never done before, the pain becoming too much for him to handle all alone. He remembered them looking at him with so much concern and their voices overlapping with choruses of _“Eddie what’s wrong,”_ producing echoes around the vast space of the quarry. Richie was the one to reach him first, automatically pulling him into his arms before the others followed, crowding around the two of them. It tugged his heartstring; he had wondered why his mother can’t look at him that way. Instead he recalled only hatred in her eyes when she reached her final say, _“Get out. I can’t stand to see your face. Pack your bag and don’t ever come back.”_

All of them had offered him a place to stay until he finally left for New York. In the end he chose to alternate between Mike’s and Bill’s. He declined Richie’s offer for him to move into his parent’s house – _much to Richie’s frustration_ – because truth to be told, he was ashamed. He was afraid that Richie’s parent would deduce what a broken person he truly was, a conviction that Eddie had held close to his heart because of course he was; he was rejected by his own mother! By default he shouldn’t be good enough for their only child.

However he was wrong, his parents were sympathetic and offered to help him in any way they could. A week later, Eddie found himself a general assistant at Wentworth’s dentist practice. The pay afforded him a ticket to New York and a deposit for their rented apartment. And Maggie had personally seen to it that Eddie was fully equipped with essentials required by a boy starting out college. They even gifted him a laptop that he was hesitant to accept. All they asked was that he watches out for their son, something that Eddie intends to follow through. It’s not a commitment, not even an option; Richie is someone he intends to keep.

“Yeah, we’re very happy. Thanks Mikey,” he says, getting teary eyes but managing to push that trail of emotion away.

*****

Once they spot the sign that says ‘Welcome to Derry’, it is like somebody has pressed fast forward on their journey and before Eddie is fully ready mentally, the white buildings of the hospital come into view. There’s a swoop in the bottom of his stomach as he is involuntarily hit with memories of unnecessary doctor appointments and forced admittances for petty illnesses. 

When he was younger, the hospital to an extent had been his 2nd home. During the time he was young enough that it was understandable for him not to know better, it had felt like a sanctuary; a fortress of protection that kept his fragile body _– as claimed by his mother –_ safe. However once he had grown older, it began to cross his mind that the frequency of his visits weren’t normal. Then every step he took after had felt like failures because there was this constant question that ate him alive. Whether he was actually defective when the majority of the time the doctors’ usual conclusion had been he was fine. Those questions however were left unanswered as his enraged mother dragged him to old Mr. Keene’s pharmacy to get the medicine that the doctors had refused to prescribe. Eddie had soaked it all up, shoved his doubts at the furthest corner of his mind. Besides, mother knows best right? God, he was so naïve.

“Are you ready Eddie?” Mike’s question draws Eddie back from his inner lament and he only notices that the car is now stationery in a parking lot.

“I think so,” he sighs, then nodding at his friend as if seeking for assurance.

Mike offers him a reassuring smile and a pat on the shoulder. They exit the car and walk to the hospital entrance. A blast of cool air hits them as the automatic sliding door opens, making their hair sway and goose bumps prickles Eddie’s skin. The sterile smell of medicine, disinfectants and hand sanitizers are mingling in the air, triggering some sort of melancholy in his heart. He walks as if drugged towards the reception area where a kind faced women stands in her spotless white uniform. He asks for his mother’s room and is directed to the ICU unit, level 3, room no. 73. They use the elevator and when the door closes, Eddie has this urge to turn away and run. Run towards the barren and jump into the water because anywhere feels like it would be better than the hospital. Or rather anything would be better than what is waiting for him at level 3.

Eddie walks with his hands shaking and fingers clutching tightly at the sleeves of his hoodie. Mike walks calmly beside him, ushering him to the right hallway that’ll lead them to the ICU unit. Nurses and doctors alike rush pass them, talking in urgent whispers, paying them little mind. If Eddie has been under less pressure, he would relish the controlled chaos of a hospital. He would have look with total admiration at the doctors and nurses doing their best to keep total strangers alive. They are what he aspires to be and under normal circumstances, Eddie would take everything in with the utmost attention. But this is different.

They pass dozen other rooms before coming across the room where his mother is at, pausing at the front of the door or rather Eddie is frozen to his spot. The shaking of his hands extends to his whole body and suddenly he is freezing to the bone. Mike must have notices the trembles of his fingers around the doorknob. Gently he pries his fingers and opens the door with his hand around the small of his back as if offering support for him to take a step forward. Eddie wills himself to move, like a puppet and enters the small room with a bed on the centre.

At first, all he registers are the machines surrounding the head of the bed, and then on the wires trailing from various plug ins to finally connecting onto the person lying on the bed. Eddie almost doesn’t recognize her mother who looks so much different than the woman she was 4 years ago. For the first part, she was half the woman she used to be and Eddie wonders if he has ever seen his mother this small before, this fragile. Her hair has thinned out and what little is left is greying on the roots, the natural brown disappearing like the rest of her. Her complexion is pale, almost blending perfectly against the white of the bed sheets, no more of the usual red rouge that paints her cheeks and lips every single day, two coats when it’s time for church on Sunday.

The beeping of the machine indicates that it’s performing its function to keep her breathing because she isn’t able to do it herself. The steady electronic beats remind Eddie of the fact what he is seeing in front of him, that woman, is just a shell of her former self. He knows the probability of her waking up from this is very low, understands that the she is kept alive with the help of the machines because somebody have to sign the release. He is aware that it has to be him.

In that instant, Eddie feels like he’s 10 again. He feels like the time when his mother had been admitted to the hospital from pneumonia during winter holiday. He remembered being petrified over the thought of her dying and losing her then being left alone. She had been in similar bed, only 2 levels up and with less wires poking on her body. Eddie had thought it would be the last time he would ever see her. He had cried and cried until one of his aunts arrived from Ohio and explained to him that his mother was only resting and will recover soon. And she did recover but Eddie could never forget being that terrified and that feeling had never left him even after their eventual fallout.

He feels it now as he stares at the still figure of his mother, unmoving and uncaring to the real world; oblivious to the fact that her only child is standing there, so utterly helpless and scared. His knees buckle and he slumps onto the chair beside the bed. Tears roll down his eyes to his cheeks and eventually dripping down from his chin to his lap. Mike kneels beside him and is tall enough to sling his arm around his shoulder. Sobs are building in his throat, threatening to come out. He lets his restrain dissolves and starts sobbing as he grips his mother’s cold hand.

“Mama,” he cries, clutching it tightly over his chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, there's a lot use of the word 'soothing' isn't it? Anyway to those who have left kudos on the 1st chapter - and if you're here reading this 2nd chapter - thank you very much!!!! I really appreciate it, keeps me motivated to write a new chapter.
> 
> And to those reading this, please let me know what you think. Cheers ^.^


	3. Tidal Waves

The day passes by Eddie; hectic, fast and instantaneous. Suddenly it’s approaching 6pm in the blink of his eyes. He is beyond exhausted yet his mind is simultaneously alert – _a lethal combination._ \- He has been sitting next to his mother’s bedside, rarely leaving the room, only to oblige his bodily functions. Mike stays faithfully with him, coaxing him to eat and drink because he doesn’t seem to remember, appetite pretty much non-existent at the moment. Eddie even let him answers his phone calls because he is hardly in the state of mind to talk to anyone. Not even Richie, who has been calling the most to check up on him. He just couldn’t bring himself to speak with his boyfriend. The majority of it coming from the fact that he knows with Richie, it’s just different. He has this voice that he only reserves for Eddie, a distinct tone; gentle and cautious that is so far removed than even the most serious tone of voice he could muster on ordinary circumstances. Eddie knows that just one hit of his voice would instantly reduce him to tears. It would then become so overwhelming; he’s tired, scared and anxious all at the same time and to add his boyfriend’s concern in the mix would push him to the brink. This mix of emotions encompasses everything that could trigger a panic attack out of him and he couldn’t afford that – _not yet._ – He needs to hold on for as long as he could because he only has so little time left.

Therefore, he makes Mike answers all of his phone calls and knows that Richie will understand.

Various doctors flitted in and out of the room. All of them wear the same grim expression that translates into indication of no more hope and Eddie notices the subtle shake of their heads to each other as they look over his mother’s health report. He knows that they are only trying to accommodate his request for them to just try to save his mother. It’ all futile and he knows that.

It is around noon that a doctor really pulls him away from the confines of the room and sits him down at one of the offices and explains to him what he already expects to hear but still feels like a punch in the gut as if this is all brand new. The doctor, a woman in her late 40s gently places her hand on a shoulder and then with a practiced sympathetic look on her face tells him that his mother’s life support is ready to be taken off at any time he wants.

Eddie feels like collapsing on the floor so he doesn’t have to face whatever it is to come. He doesn’t want to make this decision. Why does it have to be him?

_“Richie, tell me what to do.”_

He doesn’t show it though but she must have known, must have seen this type of situation more than she should as she squeezes his shoulder comfortingly.

“I’m very sorry to be the one to have to tell you this Mr. Kaspbrak. But there aren’t any sign of brain activity left in your mother,” she confirms.

Eddie nods his head, searching for something to say. “I understand,” his voice cracks and the doctor let go of her hold to offer him a pack of tissue. Eddie pulls out a couple and dab under his eyes.

“Can I just have one more night with her?” Eddie requests, carrying with it a decision.

“Of course.”

*****

After that, Eddie sits faithfully by his mother’s side, holding her hand, barely letting go and starts talking. He reminisces about the memories that they both share. He speaks to her even though knowing that she isn’t hearing a thing, wouldn’t be able to but he presses on because that’s the only thing that brings him comfort the most. Besides, that’s all he has to offer; those memories and he really wants to reminisce as there will be no present one to make. All he has is tonight.

“Ma, do you remember the time you brought me to Disneyland for my birthday and I was so happy to see Goofy that I ran too fast and scraped my knees? And then we spent hours on the spinning teacups because I love it so much. You said that it made your head hurts but still, you followed me. I never told you this but it was one of the best birthdays of my life,” Eddie says, pressing his forehead on the knuckles of her hand.

“I know Ma, I know how long you’ve been saving for the trip. I just want to say thank you,”

He means it, every single word that is said because he remembers it well. His mother always made sure that he had the best start in the morning of his birthdays. There was always a cake with candles lighted up – _the number of the candles corresponding to the age he turned to_ \- waiting for him when he woke up, his mother at the edge of his bed, in her best outfit. Then there was the breakfast; table full of Eddie’s favourite food, none of his usual healthy breakfast of oatmeal, scrambled eggs and fruit to start off his special day. And finally there was the present; always the one thing that Eddie had been hinting for months and convinced he was never getting but always did.

He remembers it perfectly. Even after their fallout and Eddie not seeing her for 4 years, he never allows the bad memories to cancel the good ones. Because he recalls the times in his young mind where his mother had seemed like such a divine creature, capable of doing anything to keep him safe. Some of it has been excessive _– he doesn’t want to think about it now_ – but some of it has been simple happiness, normal dents in his existence. Eddie guesses that what it is to be human and he feels only regret at the time wasted not fixing the distance between them. He wonders how differently things could have gone if he have just tried. It might ends up badly but it would definitely be better than wondering what could have been.

Eddie exhales heavily through his trembling lips and he squeezes her hand tightly, “I love you Mama. Thank you for taking care of me. I may never understand why you did some of the things you’ve done to protect me. Maybe I’ll understand it to some extent when I’m a parent myself. Or maybe you’re the one who actually needs taken care off,” Eddie says then pauses to wipe his face using the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

He brings her hand to his mouth and plants a kiss on it. “I’m sorry for how things turned out. I never hated you. I just want you to know that. I hope you know that,” Eddie releases his grip on her hands and buries his face on the mattress to muffle his sobs. His heart feels like it’s been broken into million pieces and there’s just so much tears that he wonders if it will ever stop.

“Eddie,” a soft voice comes next to him followed by a gentle touch to his left forearm. Eddie is too tired to even lift his face. The only thing he’s capable of is trying to work it in his head to place a face on the voice. The voice calls his name again and he lifts his head up in recognition.

Bill is standing next to him. His gentle face is etched with a sad smile and Eddie loses it, throws himself into his arms and clings tightly to his oldest best friend.

*****

The morning comes bringing with it a force too strong for him to stop. If he could pause the time, he wouldn’t because he would just delete the whole thing. Mike, Bill and Richie’s parent (who have come to the hospital at the crack of dawn) stand in silent support with him, waiting for the doctor and nurse who will perform the procedure.

It is then that Eddie finally gives in and takes a call from Richie, who, upon hearing his voice audibly releases a breath at the other side of the line. The first thing he asks is whether Eddie is okay. Surprisingly Eddie doesn’t cry like he expected he would; in fact he just feels numb.

“They’re gonna pull the plug on her,” he says, almost methodically.

“I heard, from Mike,” Richie replies.

There’s a long pause on the phone, he doesn’t know quite what to say and Richie is waiting for him to say something. It’s counteractive and he wants to ends the painful silence but at the sound of his boyfriend clearing his throat, he stays put.

“How do you feel?” Richie asks gently. 

Eddie grips the phone tighter in his hand; the question takes him by surprise. He couldn’t tell. He feels everything he guesses but not quite enough to point it into a single emotion so he spills out the truth.

“Don’t know,”

“Do you want me to stay on the phone when they do it?” Richie offers.

He would like that.  Nothing would give him the most comfort during the horrible thing he is about to encounter. However, he also thinks it’s the worst idea ever. Richie doesn’t have to go through this. In fact none of these people should have to go through this with him. The thought of being a burden burrow its head inside of him and he shakes his head, as if his boyfriend could see.

“No, it’s okay. You have a paper to study for right? Don’t worry ‘bout me. Just get ready for your exam,” he declines and in turn he hears Richie huffs.

“Eds, it’s not a problem for me…”

“No, Richie, seriously, it’s okay. We’ll see each other soon, alright,” Eddie quickly cuts in, sensing eyes on him, making him desperate to cut this conversation off. He doesn’t want anyone else to know, scared that they will try to convince him to let Richie stay on the phone throughout the whole ordeal.

He hears Richie exhales heavily at the other side of the line, “I understand, Eds. Take care and I’ll see you soon,” Richie gives up.

“Yeah, of course,” he states, “Good luck,” he adds, an afterthought.

“ _He only wants to help. Why are you being so difficult?” he reprimands himself._

Eddie clenches his jaw but as he hands the phone back to Maggie, he keeps his expression neutral. At the corner of his eyes, he notices Maggie talking on the phone with her son, face in full concentration before her gaze flicks briefly on him thoughtfully. Eddie decides to put it at the back of his mind as a doctor and a nurse enter the room making him stands more alert in his position, everyone else in the room also shifting gears to utmost attention. Mike and Bill are instantly at his side, offering unspoken support through the touches of their hand on him; Mike squeezing the back of his neck while Bill grips his right arm.

“Mr. Kaspbrak,” the same doctor he had spoken to yesterday calls upon his name as if in question even though she is looking directly at him. She has a set of documents in her hand which she extends to Eddie. “These are the release forms that you have to sign before we can start the procedure. Do you need some more time?”

Eddie looks at the papers blankly then around the room, his eyes searching for a face that isn’t there. Tears prickle his eyes as he looks over at his mother. He squeezes his eyes shut, letting his sorrow spreads throughout his whole body. He shakes his head and manages a broken ‘no’ and feels his friends’ hold on him tighten.

He tries to calm himself down and finally manages to open his eyes without another wave of tears defeating him. He takes the papers from the doctor, scans briefly at the words, not even taking in a single meaning except for the section at the end where the word ‘consent from next of kin’ is printed. He supposes that’s where he should sign and he does. He returns the form to the doctor and signals for one moment. He pushes himself toward the bed, towards his mother and lean down to give her a kiss on the forehead. He strokes the side of her face, taking in her face while she’s still breathing, albeit machine induced but still a huge difference on what she’ll become in the next few minutes.

“Goodbye Mama,” Eddie whispers. But then, in the small room, his voice carries, as clear as day and it causes the others to get emotional as well. Eddie doesn’t notice that as he wills himself not to cry anymore. He has done enough of that but it is broken when Maggie hugs him and he lets himself cries silently against the sound of the decreasing electronic heart beats.

It’s 9.25am and Sonia Kaspbrak takes her last breath.

*****

Eddie follows wherever, whoever mentions him to go. First it is the handful of paperwork that needs attending to and he signs blindly at the explanation of insurance, premiums and whatnots, his mind not paying attention at the slightest. Then he goes to retrieve his mother’s personal belongings and he is presented with a small bag containing what little things she has on her when she was rushed to the hospital just three days ago. What he sorts out from the pile in the bag is a nightgown and a purse. He opens the purse and there’s a picture of him as a toddler slotted in the ID compartment. He pulls it out, breath hitching at the words scribbled on the back; _‘eddiebear, 1998.’_

If he tears up just a little bit, nobody needs to know.

He leaves the hospital not long after with the Tozier. He sits quietly at the back of the car entertaining the thoughts running wild in his head and finally acknowledging the fatigue and minor aches enveloping his body. Richie’s dad, Wentworth asks him whether he would like some breakfast and he quickly shakes his head no but tells them that he doesn’t mind to wait in the car if they want to get something to eat. They tell him that it wouldn’t be necessary and change the subject to funeral arrangement; a topic he supposes would come out eventually. He listens with halfway concentration at the couple’s conversation, only offering feedbacks when asked directly, not entirely helpful feedbacks as he replies with ‘I don’t know’ the majority of the time, not being able to decide on anything. However, there is one thing that he is able to answer with conviction and that is his mother’s favourite flower. Easy, it was sunflowers. Eddie remembered saving up when he was 10 to buy his mother a bouquet for mother’s day. Yes, they should get lots of it for the funeral because his mother would like that; he tells the couple who just look at him sadly. Eddie couldn’t bear it and then in the end tells them to decide on everything else.

They reach the Tozier’s residence _\- located in the expensive part of town. –_ He takes a shower and when he finally lays his head down on the bed in Richie’s old bedroom, he falls asleep instantly.

He wakes up some 5 hours later in the darkened room. He gazes at the pictures of his boyfriend mounted onto the walls across the bed and a smile blooms on his face, hit with the memories of his much younger days. They have done a lot in this room; from building forts when they were 12 years old to having their first kiss at 16. He reaches for his phone next to the pillow, craving to hear his boyfriend’s voice.

Richie picks up instantly and Eddie suspects he has been anticipating for a phone call from him.

“Sweetheart, how are you?” Richie asks. Sweetheart is the pet name Richie reserves for when he wants to be extra soft with Eddie and when the situation is delicate; fragile.

“Hey,” Eddie says simply.

“Are you okay?” he asks again, seeking for confirmation.

“Yeah. I think so,”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you,” he tells him.

“It’s okay Rich. I’m in good hands. Eddie shifts the phone to his other ear, resting the other side of his face over the cool pillow. “What are you doing?” Eddie asks, desperate to change the subject, wanting a little normalcy.

“Revision. Ugh!!!” Richie exclaims.

And Eddie could imagine the face Richie must be giving, being a particularly expressive person and he chuckles a little on the mental image. “Sounds fun. Have you eaten?” he asks.

“Just did. What about you?”

“I don’t remember,” he confesses.

“Eddie, you have to eat something or you’re gonna get sick. I’ll get my mum to make you some grilled cheese sandwich. How’s that sound?”

“No, Rich. It’s fine. They’ve done a lot today. I don’t want to impose,”

“Eds, my mum adores you. She wouldn’t mind,” Richie assures his boyfriend.

“It’s okay. I’ll go get something. I promise,”

Richie sighs, surrendering at his boyfriends’ insistence. “Fine, if you say so. God! I can’t wait for this stupid paper to be over. I miss you so much. I can’t stand you not being near me,”

“Me too,” Eddie sniffles softly, hoping none of it catches over the phone.

But Richie doesn’t miss a thing. “Are you crying? Oh god, sweetheart, please don’t,” he says, hating the fact that he’s not around Eddie to comfort him.

“I’m not, Rich. I’m not crying,” Eddie lies because he knows Richie will only fixate on that. He once told Eddie on one drunken night that his tears are his weakness. Eddie doesn’t know if he remembered ever telling him that and he never asks, intending to keep that secret forever.

Richie huffs; not quite believing him. However, he stops pressing on that because there is nothing much that he can do, being so far away in New York. “Just take care, alright. Get plenty of rest. You had a long day. And I’m not going to pretend like I understand what you have gone through but I can only imagine that it’s hard. But baby, remember this, you are strong,” he says. “Stronger than that crazy dude who tried to steal your umbrella at the subway, you remember that?” he adds, trying to lighten the mood.

Eddie laughs at the memory, his chest lighten up considerably, “God! Why do you have to remind me of that?”

“I dunno. It was just your face though. I just, I can’t. It was so funny,” he laughs. Eddie is smiling as he listens to his boyfriend’s gleeful voice, laughing a little at the infectious tone.

After a moment, Richie finally calms down “Hey, it’s nice to hear you laugh.”

“It feels nice to laugh. Thanks.”

“No worries. I love you,”

“Love you too, bye.”

Eddie remains on the bed after ending the conversation. His stomach is rumbling but he is still able to ignore it. Then, a knock comes at the door and he straightens up. Maggie comes in bearing a tray containing food, a cup of tea and a tall glass of water. Eddie steps out of the bed, feeling uneasy at the fuss he’s causing.

“Eddie dear, I brought dinner. You must be hungry,” Maggie says as she deposits the tray on the desk next to the door. She pats on the chair and usher for him to come forward.

“I’m so sorry Maggie. You don’t have to do this. I can get it myself,” Eddie says sincerely.

“It’s fine dear. Richie called earlier, I’ve made you grilled cheese sandwich. And there’s also soup from dinner. Eat and you’ll feel better,”

“Honestly Maggie, this is too much. I feel terrible,”

“Nonsense. This isn’t a problem at all. Now I’m gonna be in the living room in case you need anything. Don’t be shy,” right before she exits the room, she kisses him on the cheek.

*****

Eddie goes through the funeral plan with Richie’s parents during breakfast the next day. They have pretty much taken care of everything. This leaves him with only a couple of tasks which are to gather his mother’s belonging at the assisted care facility; her final home before she passed away.

Eddie has initially intended to complete the tasks himself and borrow Maggie’s car but his friends volunteer to come along with him. They appear after breakfast without Eddie asking them to, always so loyal _\- he couldn’t tell how much he appreciates the company. -_

The facility is exactly as how Eddie has imagined it to be. Pristine white buildings, luscious green landscape and pastel coloured walls, at least his mother had been living well and he feel bittersweet at the thought. They wait at the lounge room, sipping on the teas offered by the receptionist. 10 minutes later, a middle age man comes and introduces himself as Dalton Greenwood. He brings along exactly three empty boxes and they follow him to Block C where his mother’s quarter’s is at.

The living quarter is a one bedroom apartment with an open space design. Eddie feels a slight pang as he looks around the small apartment knowing how much his mother liked her space. It’s a stark contrast to her own home, a two storey detached, in which Eddie can visualize the various, random Knick knacks scattered around at every space available because she was the type who could never throw anything away.

_“Except you.”_

Eddie is startled by the inner voice that comes so unexpectedly to his mind. He doesn’t want to do this; to be bitter when it doesn’t even matter anymore. So he shakes his head discretely, trying to chase the bad thoughts away, except Bill notices and he looks at him strangely.

“What’s wrong Eddie?” he asks.

“Um, nothing Bill,” he answers and then laughs awkwardly, hoping that Bill wouldn’t pursue the matter.

He doesn’t.

The three of them shuffles around the apartment. Mike is in the kitchen while Bill remains in the living room. Meanwhile, Eddie is drawn instantly to the bedroom, the most personal space. He pushes the slightly ajar door tentatively; holds his breath in anticipation. The room isn’t as small as he expected, big enough to house a queen size bed that is pushed to the wall, a bed side table and a lounge chair that is deliberately situated to face outside the window. There is also a dresser with various bottles of medicine placed on top of it and among them is a small case containing a single tube of lipstick. Eddie doesn’t have to guess what shade it would be, recognizing the brand instantly.

Eddie sits on the bed, letting his fingers trace mindlessly on the bed sheets, his eyes lingering on the surrounding. He wonders what his mother must be thinking about at most nights while looking at the same things he is looking at now.

_“Do you think of me, Mama?”_ he asks a question that’s only meant for him to hear. He thinks about her sometimes and always wishes for the circumstances between the two of them had been different. It always ends up with a sad dream and he would wake up most of the time really depressed. So he tried not to linger on it too much, but he’s only human.

Something catches his attention; a picture frame seemingly knocked down, obscuring the image it contained. Eddie picks it up and what he sees is a studio picture of him in his mother’s lap when he was 8 years old. He takes in the frozen smiles and innocent eyes; those two people who back then not knowing what was to come and the wedge that would be placed between them. He gets this ache in his chest and quickly stuffs the frame in the box, not daring to look at it for too long. He then quickly shifts his focus on rummaging through the closet and starts stuffing everything in there without much tact, not even bothering to fold the clothes appropriately. He just wants to get it over with, just want to leave his mother’s personal space.

When Eddie gets into the living room, Mike and Bill appear to be done too. The both of them are sitting down on the couch and there are 2 boxes by the front door. Their conversation stops once he enters and they give him a look full of consideration, as if looking for a sign that tells them that it is too much for him.

He kinda hates it and appreciates it at the same time.

*****

They stop for lunch at the café near the old Aladdin Theatre. Nothing has changed much since he had left and he is shocked to hear that Keene’s pharmacy had been shut down after the namesake had passed away a few months ago. To be honest, he is pretty sad to hear the news as he feels like he kinda owes it to the pharmacist for telling him the truth about his medicines; the placebos.

“So they just close it down once he passed away?” Bill asks then takes a sip of his black coffee.

“Yup. Besides we have Walmart now, so there was no point in continuing business. In fact a lot of the small shops went out of business then. The wise thing to do was to just close shop and open up somewhere else,” Mike supplies.

“Hey, you guys remember Henry Bowers?” he continues.

“I don’t think anyone could forget Bowers. Probably the reason why some people from school still needing therapy now,’ Bill quips, his face darkens considerably.

Mike chuckles while Eddie shrugs his shoulders in agreement, that’s pretty accurate he thinks.

“Guess who he’s married to?” Mike prompts.

“Who?” Bill asks, face in excited suspense from the hardly supressed glee behind Mike’s eyes. Eddie looks on with the same interested face that mirrors Bill’s.

“Greta Keene,” Mike states.

Eddie who have been in the middle of taking swigs from the mineral water bottle almost spits out. “Greta Keene? She married Bowers?” he splutters.

Bill visibly shudders at the news but then grows thoughtful. “Well, birds of a feather do flock together. And my God, what similar feathers those two have,” he says. Far wiser than the boy whose stutter used to be the basis for bully by both Henry and Greta – _now, appropriately, the Bowers._ -

It does make sense that those two ends up together Eddie thinks. The two really made some parts of their lives a living hell. Thankfully, school wasn’t forever.

“Last I heard, they’re in Arkansas now,” Mike adds.

“Well, that’s Arkansas’ problem. My condolences. Watch out for their demon offspring,” Eddie declares, causing laughter to erupt from his friends. It is nice and all, but, Eddie doesn’t miss the glances his friends exchange with each other, the relief they exudes.

*****

Mike drives them to his old neighbourhood, the car ride filled with small talks that the 25 minutes’ drive feels even shorter. Ever since they left the café, something just isn’t sitting right with Eddie. He can’t explain the hollowness in his stomach, the kind that makes every laugh that comes out of him to feel empty and his every sentence distracted. He tries to entertain his friends with the best of his ability, keen on not putting another burden on them; he had already imposed too much. So he laughs when they did and try to add some input on their conversations, ignoring the knots in his stomach and chest.

That uneasiness however starts to make sense when Mike pulls in the car porch of his childhood house. It is when he spots his mother’s old Honda that the reality of the situation comes rushing back to him. It’s like a tsunami in his head, sudden and without a warning. Eddie could pinpoint the exact moment that his soul just decided to cave. Then there comes the usual shaking of his hands (it’s the first reaction his brain signals to his body in times of distress) and he quickly stuffs his hand in the pocket of his hoodie, thankful that he decides to wear one of Richie’s old ones that’s hanging around in his closet. He gathers what’s left of his courage in secret, prays for it to be more and he exits the pickup truck. He makes a move to the door and as he does, traces his fingers on the hot metal along the length of the Honda. The porch is littered with dead leaves and old mail; never to be read by its owner and perhaps never to be opened. The surrounding has an air of neglect in it; an evidence of the absence of the owner who used to keep colourful plotted plants hanging along the column under the gutter of the front porch. The old rocking chair his mother used to sit on during summer days while sipping iced tea as she waited for Eddie to return from his school break adventure remain intact at the corner, the yellow paint faded and peeling but the hit of nostalgia is still there as Eddie looks at it.

Eddie swallows the heaviness stuck in his throat. He reaches for the key inside the pocket of his jeans and slots it in. He counts silently to ten, it sounds silly but it helps; he is never one for anticipation. The first thing that hits him is the stale smell radiating in the house, yet another sign of neglect. The second thing he notices is that the lack of changes in it. He doesn’t know what he expects to see, maybe a remodelled but strangely it looks exactly like how it was 4 years age. The same exact picture that Eddie had carved in his memory before he left with a duffel bag in hand; his mother’s back turned on him as he begged for her to reconsider. To make it even stranger is the dozens of picture frames with him in it hanging alongside the wall leading upstairs; the recent one being his high school graduation picture.

Taking note of his friends standing behind him, Eddie moves into the house, his steps a bit forceful as he is still trying to make sense of what he is seeing. He tries to keep a façade of unaffectedness and in doing so ends up in the living room where he once again sees the remaining traces of his existence in his house; the recorder that he used to practice on to strengthen his lungs _– something his mother had seen from facebook._ – It lies precariously on top of the bookshelf.

“Eddie, what do you need us to do?” Mike asks. The question prompts him to remember exactly what the trip is for. He was assigned by Maggie to get an outfit for his mother’s final rest. She has asked Eddie to get her best outfit.

“Um, there’s nothing to do actually. I’m just gonna get something upstairs. Why don’t you guys just have a sit? I’ll be fast,” he says.

“No worries Eddie, take your time. Or do you want one of us to come with you?” Mike asks again while Bill looks on.

“Nah, it’s okay Mikey,” he says with a small smile.

*****

As soon as the head invigilator announces to the hall that they are allowed to leave, Richie sprints out of the hall faster than he has ever moved in his damn life. He’s pretty sure he just tanks his final; his mind being so preoccupied with Eddie that he can’t even be bothered to care about it. Ignoring the call from his friends to wait, – hoping that a wave is good enough – he grabs his backpack outside the hall and fires up his phone, and cursing as he fumbles with the keypad to order an uber. The driver is 5 minutes away; it might as well be 3 hours for the impatient Richie, who is bouncing on his feet as he waits. His whole body feels like it’s about to explode with sheer anxiety of wanting to reach his boyfriend. From their phone call last night, Richie can detect the sadness in Eddie’s voice; he knows Eddie would never share under the pretext of not wanting to bother him _– always preferring to suffer alone –_ and it hurts him deeply. He hates thinking of Eddie all alone, of not being there to hold him and not having his shoulders to offer for him to cry on.  

The black Prius comes into view and Richie jumps in the car without waiting for it to come into a complete stop. The driver look at him strangely but Richie just offers her a half-hearted ‘good afternoon’ which she returns curtly. The best thing about a New Yorker is how empathic they are at heart so she then merely just shrugs his odd behaviour off and starts driving.

As the city passes by outside the window, Richie wishes for nothing more for her to drive even faster to the airport. If only he could teleport to Derry or if only he is the Flash; there is just so much ‘if only’ that he can think of so he settles down and scroll through his messages, answering one from Beverly first who is asking him to send condolences to Eddie from herself and Ben. The couple unfortunately not being able to go back to Derry due to other commitments. Then there is a message from Stan asking his flight detail. The man himself would be arriving in Maine tonight at 9pm, having changing his flight earlier to accommodate Sonia’s funeral. Stan who attends Florida State University returns to Derry every semester break to spend time with Bill – his boyfriend - who goes to Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri.

There are no messages from Eddie.

*****

Eddie lays the dress he has chosen for the funeral on the bed. It is a dress her mother had preserved perfectly for almost 20 years. Eddie comes to his decision after almost an hour, torn between the wedding dress that his mother once told him reserved for his future wife _– he was 12 when his mother told him and even then he knew that was never going to happen_ – and this dress in front of him. He has chosen the light beige dress because he recalled her telling stories about wearing it to go see a play with her girlfriends on a trip to New York when she was 20 years old. He remembers the soft look in her eyes as she spoke about the fun they had and how she wished to be 20 years old again – _she had him when she was 22 years old. –_

He intends to go straight downstairs to his waiting friends, feeling guilty for keeping them too long. He almost walk past his old bedroom when the breeze from his movement causes the door to creak open slowly, like that in a horror movie. If this has been someone else’s empty house, Eddie would have been slightly creeped out. He is, on the other hand, only entranced with what was once his secret oasis in this house full of restrictions. He enters the room, nervous yet excited at the same time.

There’s nothing quite like a childhood room that just brings you back to the person who you used to be and it is confirmed when he sees the NYU poster that he had tacked onto the wall as inspiration.

Eddie looks around the exact identical room that he had left behind 4 years ago and he is confused; confused as he registers the same bed sheets, the old CDs and books lined up on his bookshelf and his belongings that look like have been taken with care.

He slumps to floor with his back facing the door, overwhelmed. He just doesn’t understand this lack of changes. Why has his mother kept his stuff, his pictures – there were so many pictures of him, even in the care facility - when she had told him that she couldn’t stand to see his face? If it had been so painful for his mother to think of him, then why are there so many pieces of him left scattered around the house?

_“Ma, what are you trying to say? Should I have tried coming back years ago?”_

_“Why didn’t you reach out to me?”_

_“Did you even hate me?”_

He doesn’t hear the ringing of the doorbell and the Bill’s faint voice welcoming someone in. If he hasn’t been so preoccupied with the unanswered questions swimming in his head, then he would have recognized the voice that he hears almost every single day; the voice that he longs to hear the most.

“Eddie,” the voice calls out.

Eddie snaps out of his reverie and turns his head slowly, thinking it’ll be Mike or Bill. Except the person that stands under the doorway is the one person whose face he’s been looking for ever since he had stepped out of the plane, a face that had been miles away in New York, so out of reach that Eddie had subconsciously forced his mind to stop missing. It knocks him down like a tidal wave.

“Hey,” Richie says with a careful smile on his face, not quite betraying the concerned look in his eyes which are concealed by the thick framed glasses.

Eddie is speechless; his mind brewing with a million things all at once. At the same time he sees a flash of the 16 years old boy Richie had been when he realises that he was in love with his best friends.

“Richie,” he utters in a statement rather than acknowledgement. He feels a clench in his chest before his whole body decides to let go of this act he’s been presenting to the world and then he lets himself crumbles to pieces in front of his boyfriend. Richie is here and he can let go. He doesn’t have to pretend anymore.

Richie practically leaps into the room and in just mere seconds, is in front of Eddie, flopping to his knees and he grabs onto his boyfriend, enveloping him in a tight hug. One of his hands is on the back of his neck while the other circles his waist protectively. He spreads his legs wide to accommodate Eddie who decides to perch on his lap with his legs around his waist, leaning his whole body weight onto him. Eddie burrows his face at the crook of his neck, sobbing – no, weeping, his hands gripping the back of his jacket, holding on as if afraid that he would leave him.

“It’s alright, baby. I’m here,” Richie says as he kisses at every inch of his face that his mouth could reach.

“I’m here,” Richie reassures once more as Eddie’s sobs heightens in the empty room, emptying his grief to person he trusts the most. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ends up being longer than expected. I'll like to think of Eddie as someone who never holds grudges and forgives easily and that's the basis of this chapter, him not hating his mother even though she has put him through so much.
> 
> Thanks for reading this. Please let me know what you think. Cheers ^.^


	4. Bombshell

The ray of sunlight seeps into the room through the gap of the light blue curtains, bathing the hardwood floor an exquisite golden. In the distance, there’s a sound of a lawnmower being run through someone’s front yard and Eddie associates the sound with summer and the image of children playing outside, passing by lemonade stands; seeking for an adventure and wishing for the day to never end. If it isn’t for the air conditioning, Eddie would have felt the suffocating heat of June air. He is however, is comfortably lying on Richie’s bed, dressed in a t-shirt and a boxer, eyes a little hazy after waking up from his long nap. He let his mind wanders, drifting between the sweet pull of sleep-deprived drowsiness that calls upon him to shut his eyes and the cruel alertness of a mind that couldn’t stop thinking.

It’s been a long day; from the service at the church, the funeral and the gathering at his mother’s house. The succession of the three events stretching well into the afternoon, leaving him exhausted beyond telling and a proof of it lays in the fact that even his soul feels tired. Eddie exhales heavily, his mind taking him back to the events of the day. It has been uneventful yet he still got that awful feeling of ‘wrong’ that he can’t explain, like an itch that he can’t reach.

He recalls Richie holding his hand tight as they listen to Aunt Susie’s – _his favourite aunt_ –speech during the service, his friends sitting behind them, occasionally patting him on the back as a show of support. Eddie wonders whether the other guests think that it was strange for him not to give a speech instead. He knows what it’s like here, every little thing holds in them a potential for controversies and he knows that only a handful of people would know the real reason. He hopes that it doesn’t reflect poorly on his mother as his decision wasn’t something that came from a place of grudge or resentment; only from the feeling of insincerity. See the thing was he doesn’t feel like as if he deserves to talk about his mother as if the last 4 years hadn’t been real. A lot could happen in that span of time and he doesn’t know the person his mother had been. Therefore he opted out from it, asking for his aunt to do it instead because at least she has been in touch with his mother.

He had sat with his head bowed down, seemingly unaffected when he was just trying to keep himself together. Additionally, it might have been his imagination but he could have sworn of eyes boring on his back, the weight of their judgement imposing invisible weight onto him making him want to cave his shoulders even further down until he disappears into the floor.  His neutral façade carries well to the burial, his three aunts crying as the casket got laid down into the ground while he calmly dropped a single sunflower.

Eddie then recalls the awkward gathering where his oldest aunt, Susan and her husband pointedly avoid him while trying not to be too obvious about it. Her husband is a pastor and he being gay clearly doesn’t bode well with him. Eddie is fine with that, some people just sees the world as black and white where nothing in between is allowed. He understands that the sight of a gay Eddie Kaspbrak perhaps looked too much of an eye sore. However, having said that, her subtle distaste was still enough to make him want to seek a corner to hide at but he stays put. Her kids, Ana and Peter are nice though, but remain distance, maybe under their parents’ instruction; nevertheless, their kind smiles always meeting him when their gazes met and for that he is very grateful.

Then there was Aunt Sarah, who has always been aloof and distance, clinging to her husband – _a potbellied businessman_ – who was more interested in the food rather than the actual event itself. They have been married for a long time and have been trying for a child along the way but to no avail;  a cause of deep-rooted resentment towards her sisters who could – _something that his mother used to gossip about with her sisters. –_ She said nothing to him, only a stiff nod up and then she and her husband left to catch a flight to Atlanta.

Thankfully, Aunt Susie was around. She has always been his favourite aunt, always so cool and supporting of Eddie. She used to be a journalist back in the day and travelling the world was part of her job. Eddie wonders whether that’s the reason why she is so different as compared to her sisters, who’ve never left the country, only to where their husband decided to settle in. Aunt Susie’s perceptions of the world is always vastly different than theirs, more open and in a way alternate. It has always been a cause of exasperation for his mother, who couldn’t fathom her youngest sister’s refusal to marry her long-time boyfriend, Uncle Jacques, _– a Frenchmen_ \- whom Eddie simply respected. She would always tell his sister, Sonia, that commitment isn’t always reflected by marriage, it’s the intention to love each other that counts. She was the only sister that Eddie had come out to personally and her response was by holding him close and telling him how proud she was. She is the person that Eddie knows he could count on and today, she comes through as expected; giving instructions to the right people and keeping the guest ‘entertained’.

His friends have made the day bearable as well. Just their presence alone was enough to keep Eddie’s emotional turmoil at bay. They stay close to him, quiet but responsive. Beverly and Ben had call him before the service to offer their condolences, their sincerity obvious even though he couldn’t well see them on the other side of the line. The love birds; Bill and Stan stood by each other, holding hands and talking in whispers as they take turns to bring Eddie some food and drinks, noticing the little effort he puts on that aspect. When it was time to leave, they both gave him a hug with Stan holding onto him a little bit longer – always _letting his actions speak more than his words._ \- Mike on the other hand, take the usher role, welcoming guests and directing them to the refreshments and wash room; unofficially Aunt Susie’s assistance for the day.

And lastly, there was Richie, the person he is most thankful for especially on a day like this. He couldn’t imagine how he would get through today if it wasn’t for his boyfriend; who kept him close by his side, offering his hands when Eddie’s decidedly get shaky and whispering in his ears to ask him whether he is doing okay. With him by his side, the answer will always be that he’s doing fine. Because it’s the truth.  After spilling his emotions to Richie the other day, Eddie had felt so much better on the inside. Who would have thought that it’ll only take him crying on his boyfriend’s shoulder to dissipate the crushing waves that has so merciless hit him? Even though his grief hasn’t left him entirely, his emotional state is at a level that is manageable. They were the last to leave his mother’s house, save for Aunt Susie and her boyfriend who will be staying there for the night. She has convinced Eddie to go home to Richie’s to rest, to leave the cleaning up to her while Uncle Jacques nodded earnestly behind her. Reluctant Eddie have left with kiss on the cheek from his aunt and his boyfriend’s hand clasped in his as they walk to Maggie’s black BMW.

Eddie recalls lying on this bed with his face facing the window as Richie presses gentle kisses to the back of his neck, hand circling his waist with palm resting snugly on his stomach and their legs intertwined as they wait for sleep to take in. Eddie doesn’t know how long he has been sleeping and when he decides to take a look at his phone, he cringes when it shows 6pm. He is fully awake now, back to reality that isn’t always pretty. He’s glad for the nap though because at least he’s a bit light headed – _in a good way_. – His boyfriend is nowhere in sight and he feels kinda disappointed for the emptiness beside him. He shifts on his back and stare at the ceiling, connecting invisible lines and creating patterns in his head. It’s an attempt to keep his thoughts clear but somehow traces of everything still remains strong at the corner, bargaining for time to poke their ugly heads in. And Eddie suspects he will always be waiting with bated breath.

Whatever it is, Richie is here with him and with Richie, he feels like he can take on anything. Richie; with his head full of curls, thick framed glasses and kind smiles as he looks at him and Eddie falls a little more in love each time. He makes the grey inside of him turns to a faded golden – _like a glimmer of hope -_ with his assuring words and subtle touches. Eddie knows he’s putting a bit of that weight onto his boyfriend, clinging onto him for a shred of normalcy and he wonders how much more that Richie will let him get away with. Sometimes he thinks that he is receiving more than he gives in their relationship. It is always him with a burden that needs sharing; he wonders whether Richie is tired of that.

He hopes he doesn’t and by the looks of it, maybe not.

“I can hear you thinking from here,” and the person that’s in his mind is standing at the doorway, carrying a glass of water. Eddie snaps his attention to his boyfriend who walks toward him with an amused smile.

“Hey,” he says simply, still lying on the bed.

Richie places the glass on the bedside table and sits at the small available space next to Eddie on the bed. “You okay baby?” he asks then pushes at the hair on his forehead to give him a kiss there.

“Yeah,” Eddie offers him a small smile.

“Hungry?”

“No.” Eddie shakes his head regardless, and then scoots further away from the space he is currently occupying. He taps on the now ample space between him and his boyfriend. Richie gets it, extracting his indoors slippers before sliding next to Eddie on the bed. His arms reach for Eddie to pull him close and he snakes his arm to be under his neck and settles his head on top of Eddie’s. Richie cards his fingers through the hair at the back of his head while his other hand hold on to his left hip.

Eddie loves moments like this, when words aren’t needed and they are just comfortable with each other close. He lifts his head further up from Richie’s chest, lips trailing the soft skin of his boyfriend’s neck, leaving brief kisses here and there and unintentional brushing of his hair under his jaw, making his boyfriend chuckles at the tickly feeling. Eddie feels the vibrations of his supressed glee along his throat he finally caves and laughs when Eddie’s head moves again when he goes for the dip in his throat, which effectively increases the tickle meter.  

Eddie feels the beginning of laughter himself and buries his face on Richie’s shoulder with his frame shaking with merriment. Man, it feels good to laugh; to be carefree. He feels Richie moving his hand under his bottom to lift him up so that they are face to face. He looks at his boyfriend’s face tenderly, the remnants of laughter still evident there and it triggers an innocent desire in him, so he inches his face closer until their nose touches. Then he angles his face so that their mouths touch. It doesn’t take long for the light brushing of lips to transforms into something more; intimate and personal. They leave lingering kisses on each other, slow and easy, eyes closed and hands holding on to each other. They have all the time in the world and the walls of the room standing in between them and reality. For Eddie, that is perfection.

They stop when Richie’s phone ring; Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’ playing as the ring tone, indicating that it is Stan – _who is not a Justin Bieber’s fan and which is why Richie has subsequently assign the song to his contact. -_   Richie sighs and extracts from Eddie and reaches for his phone in the pocket of his pants and slides it between his ear and the pillow, hand extending to play with Eddie’s hair.

“Stanley my man, how can I help you?” Richie says loudly through the phone. Then he laughs at something Stan is saying before ending the brief conversation with an ‘okay’. Eddie raises his eyebrows in question.

“Stan would like to know whether we want to join a dinner with the guys. Would you like to?” he asks.

It’s not like he doesn’t want to spend time with his friends whom he seldom meets _– being scattered all around the country making it harder for them to convene as much as they want-_ but in this particular time, there’s nothing more that Eddie would prefers than spending the rest of the night in the room, with Richie. But then again, he notices the eagerness behind Richie’s eyes and he doesn’t have the heart to decline the invitation because he knows if he doesn’t goes, then Richie would do the same. Eddie knows the guilt would bite him for the rest of the night so he nods and the happiness is clear in his boyfriend’s face who instantly type out a message to Stan.

 “Ok, first we need a shower. Shall we babe?” Richie says.

Eddie makes a face, “Rich, I’m not gonna take a shower with you in your parents’ house. What would they think?”

“Happy that their son is getting some?” he answers, obviously teasing him and enjoying the annoyance in his boyfriend’s face.

Eddie smacks his shoulder lightly, “Shut up. Don’t say dirty things in conjunction of your parents,” he scolds his boyfriend whose grin deepens.

“What do you mean by that Eds? Dirty? I meant getting some cleaning up done. What were you thinking?” he smirks and trying to portray innocence that makes Eddie humph out loud.

“Whatever,” Eddie pulls a face, shifting his body away from Richie’s gaze to hide away his blush. He hears his boyfriend laugh behind him, causing the corners of his mouth to turn upward as well. Then he feels his warm breath on his ear as Richie moves closer to hug him from behind.

“I’m only kidding. But my parents not home though. We can do whatever we want,”

“PG only,” Eddie reminds him, snuggling closer to his boyfriend.

“Whatever you want Eds,” Richie says.

“Fine. We can shower together,” Eddie resolves in the quiet room.

“Yes!” Richie cheers enthusiastically.

“But 10 more minutes,” Eddie’s voice is gentle this time, shy as he turns his body towards his boyfriend, circling his arm around Richie’s chest and then he presses his face on his chest.

“10 more minutes it is,” Richie says, equally gentle.

*****

The diner is full with the usual crowd of high school students. It takes being surrounded by these teenagers that Eddie realises how old they have become. Perhaps as adults, they really should have gone to the fancy restaurant; the restaurant that is the automatic default for everyone above the age of 18 years old here. However, the diner brings with it nostalgia, the place they used to hang out with so little money in their pockets that they used to share their fries and milkshakes. And like many teenagers in Derry, his first date with Richie had been there; they both suddenly becoming so shy and much more aware of each other that it turned into an awkward evening of stolen glances and blushing when their hands touch accidentally. Unbeknownst to them, it turned out the Losers had been spying on them the entire time and the next day when they saw each other, they just couldn’t stop teasing on how awkward they looked that evening with a long distance photo they have taken from the shop across the diner as proof.

Their friends are too much sometimes but then again he had done the same when it came to Bill and Stan’s first date at the park, birdwatching. Only Bill spent most of the time staring at his current boyfriend.

And Bill is doing the same thing now, eyes never leaving Stan as the latter tell the group about his upcoming internship at an accounting firm in Florida. Maybe it’s because they’re the one who’s in a long distance relationship, Eddie couldn’t help but to notice the constant touching between the couple like they are afraid of letting go of each other. Like now, after finishing his story, Stan is leaning on Bill who has his hand wrap around his waist and playing with his fingers absent-mindedly. Being apart from Bill clearly has changed him; he is never the touchy one in the group but Eddie assumes that the thought of the distance that will put between them soon makes Stan readily puts his guard down. Richie must have been thinking about the same thing as he nudges at him with his shoulder and gesturing at the couple in front of them. Eddie only smiles in return and then slides closer to Richie whom instantly puts his arm around his shoulder.

“Okay, I am officially the 5th wheel now,” Mike addresses to the two couples, causing laughter around the table. It’s not like he really minds though.

“Oh Mikey, are you feeling lonely? C’mere,” Richie teases, pulling Mike into a hug before ruffling his hair affectionately.

Stan rolls his eyes at Richie’s antic and shakes his head at Eddie. He knows perfectly well that’s just Stan’s default setting when it comes to Richie. The truth is they’re each other best friends; their comradery trumps the one he had with Richie by a long shot.

“Is there someone that got your interest Mike?” Stan asks.

“Nah. I think I might need to leave this place to meet someone, “Mike replies good-naturedly. It’s a painful topic for Mike who has to settle for the community college, 45 minutes out of town because he needs to help his parents to maintain the farm his grandfather have left behind after his passing. He really is the definition of a good son seeing that he never complains about it.

“Well, there’s no need to rush. You’ll find someone when the time comes,” Eddie assures him.

“Easy for you to say, you guys got lucky and met each other. We really should have branched out and find another girl to join the group,” Mike says jokingly.

Hearing that from Mike makes Richie turns to Eddie and points a finger at himself. “That’s me, he mouths.

Eddie gives him a look of mock contemplation before snorting, “Debatable,”

Richie gasps, “You’re right Eds. It was actually Mikey the whole time,” pretends to look shocked and then planting a playful kiss on his friend’s cheek.

“Seriously, you can have him,” Eddie says to Mike, who is keeping Richie from trying to give him another kiss.

“Uh, hard pass,” he says.

“Well, looks like I’m stuck with you then Eds,” Richie settles, leans back on the long bench and pulling Eddie close to him again.

“Too bad,” Eddie drawls.

*****

After dinner, they stopped by McDonalds for chicken nuggets. Richie has a big appetite and he just couldn’t stop himself when he finds out that they have the special sauces that are only available twice per year. Then just before the junction that will lead to the part of the town to the Tozier’s residence, Richie decided to make a tour to the quarry.

They are now sitting on the hood of the car, on the cliff overlooking the water. The addition of street lights bath the area with dim orange, a welcome change as previously they would have to leave the car headlights on. Richie is chomping happily on his nuggets dipped in honey mustard sauce, offering some to Eddie who declines.

“Hungry?” Eddie asks as Richie eats the last of the 8 pieces nugget.

Richie simply grins, “Very,” he replies and then wipes his mouth and hands with the napkins provided.

Eddie watches as he steps down from the hood to stow the paper bags containing the empty containers inside the car. Then, he returns to the car, slides up and as throws his arm around Eddie who leans his head to his chest out of habit. They fall silence, enjoying the view while gentle wind blows around them. The smell of summer is thick in the air, causing a swoop in Eddie’s stomach and some sort of charged energy of possibilities; summer tends to have that effect on him.

“Thank you. For today, I wouldn’t be able to do it without you,” Eddie starts.

“Don’t worry about it babe,” Richie presses Eddie tighter against him.

“It hurts a lot Rich…,” Eddie feels Richie stiffens next to him before he lifts his face up with a touch under his chin, making Eddie look at him. “But I’m gonna be okay. I have you,” he adds. Richie’s face softens and without a single word, he leans down to kiss him.

*****

The night concludes with Richie hovering over Eddie, his hot breath breathing fire in his ear as he made love to his boyfriend. Eddie clungs on tightly to his shoulders; mouth open in silent moans as he lets the pleasure takes over. There’s the white hot heat coiling at the centre of his body as Richie continuously thrust in and out of him and he tightens his legs around his waist more to make the pleasure more intense. Eddie throws his head onto the pillow only to have Richie catching his lips, kissing him deeply, leaving him more breathless.

Eddie tugs on Richie’s hair as his thrusts become more frantic, signalling a near to his peak. He begins letting go, meeting his thrusts with equal passion and not long after, his orgasms hits and he sinks his teeth onto Richie’s shoulder, supressing his moans.

Richie throws his head back at the sensation of Eddie clenching onto him, making the friction a little more delicious. But it is the bite on his shoulder that sends him to the edge and he goes rigid on top of his boyfriend as he empties himself. He continues riding it out until the ebbing waves of pleasure dissipates completely, leaving him slumping heavily over his boyfriend with his face buried at the side of his neck, breath hot and heavy. Thank god his parents’ room is at another floor, making it impossible for any sound to carry from his own room – _despite his crass nature; he does have a limitation when it comes to his parents._ \- After his breathing calms, he lifts his face up and starts trailing soft kisses to his boyfriend’s face and he pulls out slowly. Eddie gasps from the action but when he looks down at him, he has this content smile on his face as he returns his gaze.

Eddie sighs contently; happy and satiated; Richie’s mouth looms over him. He wraps his arms around his neck and let Richie kisses him all over the face. As of now, his mind is blissfully blank, filling only with the awareness of Richie’s presence. He likes it, this all-consuming feeling for something else other than the dull grief that’s always going to be there inside of him, unfortunately. Part of the reason he had wanted this much closure between them because he also wants to give his mind a break.

Despite his trepidation earlier, this has been the perfect distraction.

They kisses until it becomes too much to avoid the exhaustion that’s trying to claim them. Eddie doesn’t know who caves in first. All he knows is that he is going to be alright and before his mind drifts off into eventual slumber, he thinks of only the thing he had said earlier.

_“I have you.”_

*****

Eddie is 10 minutes early than his scheduled appointment at the attorney’s office. The lawyer, Brian Holden had contacted him yesterday afternoon, claiming that he will be declaring his mother’s last will and testament. He is nervous as he sits alone at the waiting area. Richie had offered to come along with him to the appointment, however, as usual, he feels like he needs to do this alone.

He wishes he had thought differently.

 It’s incomprehensible to him that his mother would ever leave her possession to him; her estranged son. His mind is full of questions, taking him back to 2 days ago when he had that melt down in his mother’s house. Eddie fears that what he’ll hear soon enough will cause him to react in the same way. His return to Derry these past 4 days has unleashed upon him bombshells that he wasn’t prepared to receive. There were just so much unanswered questions lingering in the air that he could only seek comfort in the knowledge that he and Richie will be leaving for New York tomorrow afternoon.

It was a decision made by Richie this morning when they had laid together on the bed in wait for the last trace of sleep to disappear from their body. Eddie had taken that decision with open arms, figuring that was the best way to escape another horrendous memory he’ll forever associate with Derry.

Eddie doesn’t know whether he’ll come back, maybe he’ll have to somehow, because of Richie. If their relationship were to progress into a more serious territory, he doesn’t think that he could do away with not spending the holiday with the Tozier. He usually would spend all the big holidays in New York – _picking up extra shifts at the coffee shop because everybody else would be away_ \- or occasionally with Aunt Susie in Ohio during the rare time that she and her boyfriend aren’t travelling to some warmer countries. It’s a sore subject between him and Richie who doesn’t want to spend the time apart especially during such important holidays. However, Eddie always insists that his boyfriend should go home to his parents, as courtesy, because hey, that’s his parents and he doesn’t think that it’s appropriate for Richie to prioritize him more than them. Richie would oblige, only because Eddie threatens that he wouldn’t be having a good time if Richie were to stay behind in New York. This would lead to late calls at midnight and early morning with a guilt-ridden Richie. Eddie always assured that he was fine, concealing the fact that every Christmas songs and the smell of turkey killed him a little bit inside every time. However, he wouldn’t ponder too much on it, distracting himself with work instead. Besides he could always ‘face-time’ his boyfriend who would be more than willing to indulge him.

 Now, with his mother dead, maybe coming back to Derry wouldn’t be so hard and perhaps he could consider it if needs too. Besides he does see things becoming more serious with Richie. He couldn’t imagine being with someone else, not after all they’ve been through and after everything Richie’s done for him. He wonders whether Richie is on the same page as he is at; he couldn’t bring himself to imagine if Richie were to change his mind. There’s always a possibility of that though, life is unpredictable _– as exemplified recently_ – and all you can do is hope for the best. And Eddie doesn’t want to think of what he’ll do if Richie decides that he wants someone else or the possibility of him waking up one day and realizing that he doesn’t love him anymore. No, he doesn’t want to think of that.

 _“Stop overthinking,”_ Eddie scolds himself while tapping his face in gentle slaps. He could always pretend that it’s facial exercise if the receptionist asks but she is hardly paying any attention to him.

Finally, Brian Holden opens the door to his office, ready for him now. The grey hair man greets Eddie with a professional smile and tight grip handshake and he ushers him inside his office. Holden points to a chair and then sits across him with a file in his hands. Eddie feels the nervousness inside of him grows, leaving him jittery.

“Shall we get started?” he asks Eddie.

He could only nod his consent.

“Here is the list of your Ms. Kaspbrak’s properties, all which will be put under your name as per instruction by the deceased,” the lawyer starts without any preamble, passing the single page list to Eddie.

Eddie takes it and then looks at it numbly, not knowing how to react. It saddens him to think that at the end, people only got reduced to figures on a page. He couldn’t help the tears sliding down his face as he takes in the dozen of assets his mother left him. Why? He doesn’t think he deserves all this, especially the house. He doesn’t want it, he wants his mother back.

Probably due the shift in Eddie’s mood, Holden changes his tone to a more sombre one when he continues next. “As you can probably see, the first asset in the list, the house located at Main Street is now estimated to be valued at 250,000 dollar. The deceased had no objection on selling the house,” he tells Eddie factually.

Eddie doesn’t care. “I’m not selling it,” he informs the lawyer who couldn’t hide the surprise in his face.

“That’s great,” he clears his throat. “Ms. Sonia Kaspbrak also had in her possession a saving account in which all of the funds are now claimable by you Mr. Kaspbrak. You can refer to the amount as stated in the list,” he continues.

Eddie glances at the paper, at the 5 figure digits that start with the number 6. He figures that it was his mother’s pension. He doesn’t know what to do with it. He scans further down to see more figures typed down; a health insurance and a bond. He is overwhelmed by the magnitude of it. He never would have thought that his mother had so much in her name. 

“And she left this letter to you. With instruction that it should be read in private,” Holden concludes.

That pipes his interest and Eddie takes the letter from the lawyer and carefully puts it in his backpack. He couldn’t wait until he’s all alone to read it, his mind already drafting various possibilities on what it could contain. He remains in the office for another half an hour, signing papers that would legalize him as the new owner of these assets.

Then when everything was done and he have shaken hand with the lawyer, Eddie had left the office as fast as his feet could carry him, the letter burning a hole through his backpack onto his back. He types out a message to delay the plan he had earlier with Richie to go to the Hanlon’s farm. He tells his boyfriend that the meeting with the lawyer will take about one more hour of his time; a white lie but he couldn’t be bothered to feel guilty about it. Richie has replied with, “Ok, I see you in one hour.”

His distracted mind takes him to the park where Stan used to birdwatch. There are a handful of people there, middle school kids and teenagers mostly because of the school holiday. It isn’t too crowded that he couldn’t find a place for solitude. He settles at the far corner spot, sitting on the grass under the oak tree. He tears open the envelope carefully with hands that are jittery with anticipation. He takes a deep breath and starts reading.

 

**_My dearest Edward,_ **

**_Should you find this letter in your possession, this means that my life has come to an end. At last, the lord has decided that it was my time to leave this earth, to leave behind all the blessings he has granted upon me, although at the end I had become a person who was underserving of the goodness I had received. I came to find that it was so easy to forget the blessings that you have in your life and even easier to take them for granted and my boy, you are the blessing that I have taken for granted the most._ **

**_I remembered the day you were born, September 18 th, 1996. It was the happiest day of my life. Darling, you were the most precious thing I had ever laid my eyes on and the cherry on top was you were mine, my Eddie bear. You were the perfect baby, hardly crying and it was just so easy to take care of you. You remained that way until the end and I couldn’t fathom how someone like me was capable of producing someone like you. _ **

**_Eddie, there wasn’t a single day that I wasn’t reminded of the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life. That mistake had been chasing you away 4 years ago. Your bedroom became a constant remainder of that as I saw your bed that you would never sleep on anymore and the clothes that would remained_ ** _**hanged for an owner that is never coming back. I preserved all of those memories in your old room, hoping that it would ease some of the pain that came from missing you but it never went away.**_

**_I must admit it was my ego that kept me from seeking you out in New York. It was my arrogance that kept me from admitting that I was in the wrong. And it was my ignorance for thinking that I could dictate the person that you should be. Even after all the lies I’ve been feeding you, the pills and your imaginary sickness, I still thought that I could dictate your life when you have been ready to forgive me for my atrocious deceit._ **

**_Everyone deserves a life of happiness, you more so than anyone I knew._ **

**_Happiness comes from living a life of truth and my boy, I have only realised this, when it was too late. Living a life of truth would open up doors for you, to love and honesty, and I’ve tried to stop you from experiencing that. Sweetheart, I am so proud of you for not letting me win back then._ **

**_I wished this hasn’t been too late, not when what I’m about to reveal to you will leave more damage because of the time that has passed._ **

**_Eddie, what I’m about to divulge is something that I thought I could carry to my grave. In some way, I am. However, you deserve to know this truth that I have kept hidden your whole life._ **

**_Eddie, before I continue, please don’t let this truth damage you the way it did to me. It was never your fault sweetheart. It was the mistake that came from the act of selfishness of two young people who should had thought better. You have to remember that you are the best thing that has ever happen to me. You are my happiness, my sunshine and my reason to wake up every single morning. You are everything to me even though it took me this late to admit. Please remember that before you continue reading this._ **

Eddie stops reading as the words end there and wipes at his leaking eyes and nose. There’s another page which he assumes the thing his mother warned him to take caution is written on.

He wonders whether he wants to continue. However, he then takes a deep breath and decides to rip the band aid off. Whatever it is it couldn’t be so bad right?

**_Eddie, your father is still alive. His death was a lie I’ve made you to believe to hide the truth that he left me because he didn’t want me anymore. He left us when you were 2 months old. In the end he decided that a life in a small town wasn’t enough for him. We weren’t enough for him._ **

**_I wish I could say that I did it to protect you from getting hurt. But no, I did it because I was ashamed to admit the truth that the man I was so in love with had decided that he didn’t love me anymore. I’ve convinced myself into thinking that you don’t need to know the true story, that having a dead father was better than having one that left you._ **

**_Truth to be told, I resent him for leaving us, for leaving me and I couldn’t bear the thought of you seeking him out once you’ve grown. It wasn’t my decision to make but I did it anyway and now it was 22 years too late. Again sweetheart none of this is your fault. You had nothing to do with it. The fault lies in me and your father._ **

**_I’m so sorry Eddie, for everything. I know this isn’t enough of a remedy for all the things I’ve put you through and I don’t expect your forgiveness. I’m a coward for choosing to tell you this when you could no longer talk to me in person. It’s just that I couldn’t bear to see you hating me more._ **

**_I love you sweetheart._ **

**_Goodbye._ **

****

Eddie lets the letter slips from his fingers as he is rendered numb from this revelation. He thought all the bombs have detonate, leaving him with a clean slate to path a way forward. He never sees this coming and he feels blind-sided, grasping for something to hold on to like he’s walking in pitch black even though the sun colours the world in perfect clarity. His heart pounds erratically against his chest, carrying with it a heaviness that leaves his breath stuck on his throat. Noticing the sign of what’s to come, he pushes his knees to his chest level and buries his face between them. His whole body trembles as he tries to convince his mind that he is fine, ignoring the thing that he wants to shout out to the world.

_“I can’t do this anymore.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I wrote that bedroom scene but it's out there i guess, harhar. No stopping it now.
> 
> Thank you for reading this. Please let me know what you think. Cheers ^.^


	5. Revelation

Eddie walks the 7 blocks it takes to reach his apartment rather than taking the bus. He is carrying a plastic containing a box of pizza and his stuffed satchel, the cool night air blowing on his back, numbly tired after a full 14 hours shift that started at 6am this morning. This is what his daily routine has been like ever since he came back from Derry.

July is starting to disappear into August; everything suddenly feels so soon.

Eddie doesn’t quite know what to do with the piece of information that has pretty much changed the way he perceived his whole life. How is he supposed to react to the revelation that the dad he once thought was dead is actually alive, living and kicking somewhere that might be closer than where he is now. And he had no idea whatsoever. What should he do when this revelation has shattered every single image that he created for his dad?; images that had been products of years of imagination and wishful thinking on his part.

He grew up idolizing his dad, this man who was nothing more than a person he saw in pictures and had assumed to be this amazing person that he simply had been unfortunate not to know. He had built him up so much in his head that it never once occurred to him that it was just that, merely his perceived assumption on who he thought his dad could have been. Every time he had played the ‘what if’ games, late at night when the feelings just struck him - _often after an afternoon of watching his classmates with their dads during PTA’s meetings or at the local fair_ – he always believed that his dad would have made his life so much better. It was the one thing he had imagined when life with his mum became too difficult where he felt he had no one to turn to so he played a game with his imagination as a way to cope.

Back then, Eddie always wondered what it would be like if his dad had been alive. How different the circumstances would be; like maybe he would be taller? Have his blond hair and blue eyes? Maybe he’d be much happier? It was a series of questions that never got an answer to, until at the end of the day they became something that brought a clench to his chest because he had wanted so much for all of them to be true. It made him bitter sometimes; this wishful thinking as the reality with his mum left not much to be desired.

Sonia Kaspbrak has always been a conflicting entity in his life. So suffocating in her attempts to show affection that Eddie had thought that love must be that way; always too much that it was borderline annoying and also guilt consuming because of how his inner self kept on pushing him to just be grateful as there are those people in this world who got nothing at all. Then try as he might, it was his mum’s screwed up ways of showing affection that had caused his anxiety, his need for his placebo inhaler, and the lengthy recover that followed. He could have been normal, like everyone else. His mum had robbed some part of his childhood and Eddie had been bitter about that.

However, despite the hardship that he endured, he had persisted, carried on until the bad memories became something he could regard as blemishes in his past.

Furthermore, he had always been able to justify his mum’s action as her simply being, for lack of a better word, crazy. It created a different persona where his real mum; the one who could be kind was just hiding under that mask of imbalance and that was easier for him to accept, in fact even to forgive her.

It is now that Eddie realize how clueless he really was. Now he wonders how different his mum would have been if his dad had stayed.

Frank Kaspbrak was the hero and his mum was always the villain in his story. This was the image of his dad that he had hold on for so long; he never had a single doubt. He is ashamed of how wrong he was. Turned out his dad was the one who had done the ultimate betrayal. Like, what kind of a person who could leave his family? Left his 2 months old infant? That was cruel. So much crueler that his mum who fed him with fake medicines because as demented as it was, she was the one who had stayed.

Or maybe, when it comes to parental love, Eddie’s standard has been set so low that a crazy mum staying behind, convincing him that he was sick, is actually the best thing that he could get - Even when the said mum had disowned him because of his sexuality. - What does it say about him as a person that he has one parent who had actively tried to mold him into something else because he was never going to be good enough? Then another parent who left him because he was never good enough in the first place? Where does he stand in this? He never have to ask this questions before; have always been able to justify that things were just how they were meant to be.

And he can live with that. In fact, come back from it and slowly build a life for himself despite his mum’s rejection.

But, this? This feels like something that he couldn’t withstand. He doesn’t think that he has enough energy to muddle his way through to get to the end – _where everything would make sense_. – He’s tired and doesn’t want to think about this. But this is all he thinks about every day; consuming his thoughts at his every waking hour and he’s powerless to stop it. If this had been a flash flood he was caught in the middle off, Eddie would let the water carry him to the ocean where he could just float, or drown.

How does he justify this? What reasons could justify his dad leaving his family under the premise that the situation at the moment simply wasn’t ideal enough? As if his life was a game that his dad played under random customization to enable him to find a situation that was suited to his preferences. Only his preferences.

It leads to Eddie questioning about his actual worth in this world. His ‘worth’ that sometimes he thinks he can see through Richie’s eyes; the way his boyfriend looked at him that assured him that he does matter to someone. Sometimes, he sees it in his friends too; through their hands of friendship and endless sincerity. He used to believe that he had it through the notion that his dad had existed at some point, the one party that must have wanted him. He thought it was his dad. Turns out it has been his mum all along.

For the longest time, all of this sense of worth had been tangible, worthwhile, and Eddie never felt like he had to chase for it anymore.

How this one revelation could simply erase all that is beyond him.

What should he do now that he knows everything in his life had been a lie constructed so perfectly by his mum? Those around her, who have been old enough must have known – _accomplices_. – Aunt Susie must have known then. Aunt Susie was the only person he felt he could trust. Now, not so much. Nothing could convince him that his mum was somehow able to convince everyone that his dad had died, definitely not his sisters.

Eddie almost asked her, the day before he left Derry, mere hours after he had read the letter. But when he saw her face - one that carried the sort of careless happiness of someone who didn’t know that a secret had been revealed – Eddie was speechless. So he didn’t. Instead he watched helplessly as Richie, Aunt Susie and her boyfriend conversed around the dinner table, talking about after graduation plans. Eddie had contemplated whether asking for the truth would be worth it? Would it be worth it to shatter his aunt’s conviction that Eddie was still in the shadow of the truth.

He decided that he wants to play pretend a little longer.

In fact he was convinced that he would be able to take this to the grave. Like his mum did.

However, playing pretend it’s complicated and stress inducing. Every time he thinks of his mum, he wants to scream, at the top of his lungs and shouts ‘why?’ Why him? He then wants to cry, until his voice and tears leave him; until he disappears into thin air.

The revelation was earth shattering. The damages are starting to build, sitting heavy on his chest by the minute. Sometimes he wishes for his placebo inhaler back. It’s getting harder to keep his mind center, even during his best days – _which is not saying much_ – and there is always the fear of a breakdown creeping on his back. He is absolutely terrified. He doesn’t want to be exposed, for Richie to suspect that anything is wrong. Because he is ashamed of always being the only one in their relationship with an issue.

Still, Richie is always more perceptive to his surroundings, more than anyone would credit him for. He definitely suspects that something is wrong with him. How could he not when he was the one who had picked Eddie up from the park after his full blown solitary panic attack. Despite Eddie pretty much already calming himself up by the time he arrived, the evidence was all over his face. There was no hiding his red face, swollen eyes, rumpled hair, and the trembles in his small frame. Eddie had lied through shaky voice that he had been crying about his mum being gone; even then he was determined to keep the letter a secret.  He thinks Richie had believed him but now is skeptical on that being the only reason because he could always sense Richie watching him, estimating his actions.

Eddie finds it terrifying, how vulnerable he is to exposure. So he increases his guards. Through smiles that stretched too wide at the corners of his mouth that it hurts a little. Then through laughter that goes way too long after the punchline in a joke have far exceeded its potential to be funny. And through the cheery tone of his voice that makes him wants to throw up because it’s just too faked, even in his own ears.

No matter how hard he tries though, he can still see it, the pity in Richie’s eyes.

Eddie knows that Richie is aware of the front he is putting up. He thinks that he is merely waiting for the right time to bring it up because Richie is kind like that. He knows that Eddie is not ready for it. In fact, Eddie doesn’t think he would ever be ready for it; to face this uncertainty head on. So he searches for an alternative to his anxiety, a way of distraction through his part time job at the coffee shop. He starts requesting for double shifts, working 14 hours shifts, 4 days a week – _because thats the frequency his employer allowed him to_ -, the rest being normal 8 hours shift and a required one day off – _only because it is the law_. –

If Eddie had his way, he would be working every day of the week because being alone with his thoughts could potentially deteriorate his wellbeing. He was so dedicated with his work that one day his employer had asked him why he was working so hard. Eddie simply told her that he needed the money and that stopped any further questions on her end.

Then it was Richie who had asked him whether he was strapped for cash and if he was, he would like to help. Eddie told him that he needed the distraction and Richie kept quiet after that. He felt a bit better on that prospect, at least he wasn’t telling a lie.

On his off day and the days where his shift wasn’t as long, he would spend the time lying in bed, feigning exhaustion to Richie who couldn’t hide his concern. As well as his concealed disappointment at Eddie’s blatant avoidance in spending time with him, even in the comfort of their own living room.

Eddie doesn’t know how to tell Richie that he is not only tired in the body, he is mostly tired mentally – _the hardest to get out off_. – He can’t convey to him how being wrapped up in the comforter over their bed brings tremendous comfort to him and a sense of security that he couldn’t find anywhere else when his life becomes too much for him to handle at a certain moment _– it feels like this every day_. - Sleep means a way for him to escape the reality that exists. And the time he spends not being awake is the force that propels him to survive another minute, another hour. He can’t tell Richie that because he wouldn’t understand. Besides this burden isn’t Richie’s to bear. He wants a carefree life for his boyfriend, the way it is supposed to be.

But things seldom work out the way we want it to be. Richie isn’t spared of Eddie’s burden. Not when there were nights when Richie shakes him awake because Eddie had been crying in his sleep. There were questions of ‘what’s wrong?’ of course. As usual Eddie would tell him that he was just tired. He repeated the same answer so much that last week Richie came home with a bottle of multivitamin.. Richie had tried to convince Eddie to give up some of his double shifts, a suggestion that Eddie had shot down immediately. Richie had bitten his lips in an attempt not to start an argument, that’s just how he is. And Eddie is very grateful for that because he knows how stubborn he can be; he would start that fight. This is because getting his way in regards to his double shifts is very important to him; more than he care to admit. It is his way of controlling the situation, one that he feels is slipping away.

Eddie feels bad about it of course. Which is why, tonight, after a grueling double shifts, he decides to spend some time with Richie watching the TV.

Eddie enters their apartment with the sound of the TV trailing from the living room to the entry way.

“Eds, baby, you home?” Richie calls; his usual routine even though Eddie comes back at around the same time from the coffee shop.

“It’s me.” Nevertheless, Eddie answers while hanging his hoodie on the coat hanger. He kicks off his sneakers and heads to the kitchen and place the box of pizza on the counter. He pours a glass of water and finishes it before heading to the living room. Richie is looking at him expectantly. As if he’s debating whether Eddie would do his usual routine of giving him a kiss on the forehead before taking a shower and then straight to bed? Or would this be the night for an exception?

The relief is clear on Richie’s face when Eddie asks whether he wants to have pizza together after the usual said kiss. His answer is a full kiss on Eddie’s mouth before he rushes to the kitchen to get their late supper ready.

Eddie watches the joyful bounce in his boyfriend’s steps to the kitchen and he tears up. He is overwhelmed with how Richie never expects too much out of him and how this simple gesture of eating a late meal together is simply enough.

Why can’t he just let go and be happy with Richie?

He is the only person that matters to him, so why can’t he convince himself that this is enough reason for him to move on.

Except, Eddie knows he is stuck. Waiting for redemption that he has no idea where to acquire.

It’s stupid but he is never the smartest person in the room.

*****

Eddie leave their room with his hair wet from the shower, clad in Richie’s old t-shirt and an oversized boxer. Richie is sitting on floor, between the coffee table and the couch. The box of pizza opened and spread out on the table, along with plates and two cups of hot tea. His face beams up once he sees Eddie; a massive contrast to the latter’s more subdued expression. He stands up to give Eddie a kiss on the cheek and they both settle on the couch.

“Thanks for getting my favorite,” Richie says while plating a slice of the papperoni pizza for Eddie. Then perhaps he just couldn’t contain himself, he plants a kiss on his forehead.

Eddie gives him a slight smile. “No worries,” it’s all he could say in return.

“What should we watch? You have anything in mind?” Richie asks, navigating his laptop keyboard to log on into his Netflix account.

“Nah, why don’t you decide? I’m good with anything,” Eddie answers. He then decides something. He pushes his plate on the space next to him and brush the hair at the back of his boyfriend’s head tenderly. He sees the barely contained smile Richie has.

Richie decides on 50 Shades of Grey, just to make fun of it.

The movie starts and they eat in silence. Then, after the pizza have long gone – _Eddie having two slices while Richie finishes the rest_ – they sit pressed close with one another with Richie’s left arm slung casually around Eddie’s shoulders. The light in the living room is turned off, only the light from the screen illuminating the edges of the two person in the room. Eddie watches in disinterest as another nude scene come in the movie, only about halfway through. There is so much of it that he feels a little dizzy at every moan made by the actors and the exaggerated arches of their bodies.

It is then Eddie notices the change in Richie’s demeanor. How his fingers start to brush restlessly all over his right arm and just the way he squirms next to Eddie.

Suddenly, Richie envelops him in a hug. “I miss you,” he says and then starts kissing his neck with gentle brush on his lips, paying attention specifically on Eddie’s sensitive spot under his ears.

Eddie knows that this is so much more than Richie missing his company. He knows Richie wants so much more and he understands it through his firm hold around Eddie’s waist and the back of his neck. Pressing both of them so close together that Eddie is able to hear his heartbeats. Eddie understands this longing that Richie is conveying.

And he wants to give it to him so bad; the intimacy that is long overdue but he can’t seem to make his body reacts the way it supposed to. Not when he is so out of focus, so out of will to do anything else other than to wallow in his self- imposed dilemma.

Therefore, he doesn’t responds the way he usually does when he wants the same thing. Instead, he pretends not to understand the meaning behind Richie’s ‘I miss you.’ He stays put in the embrace, not denying how nice it feels – _their closeness_ – up until Richie relents with a kiss on his left temple; obvious understanding that Eddie is not in the mood, never the one to use any kind of force to get what he wants. Not even a guilt trip when he could because Eddie had really been distant ever since coming back from their hometown three weeks ago.

He smiles at Eddie lovingly instead, cradling the left side of his neck, his thumb caressing Eddie’s cheek. “Let’s go to bed. You must be tired,” he decides.

Eddie takes the hand that he offers as they walk to the bedroom. He couldn’t keep his eyes from the floor. Guilt riding every inch of his being and he wishes he could just snap out of it. Get a hold of himself and push Richie on the bed and just drown his misery in everything that his boyfriend could give him. However, he is only capable of following the motion. Brushing his teeth side by side at the bathroom sink, and sliding into his side of the bed after Richie moves the comforter off the mattress. Then, as usual, they end the night with a kiss goodnight.

Tonight however, instead of turning his back to Richie, Eddie chooses to lie down with his head on top of his chest, with his arm around his waist. Richie immediately encloses his arm around his shoulder while caressing his hair with the other.  

Eddie guesses this is one of those nights where he couldn’t contain his sorrow, the way he usually is able to especially when he’s not alone and is awake. He empties it out, swallowing his tears through silent sobs.

He is such a failure and a disappointment. The night could have gone so much better for his boyfriend. Instead, he had let things hang in the air; awkward and unsettling.

So selfish.

*****

Richie listens to Eddie’s breathing slows down and feels his body finally slackens on top of him. His weight is a familiar comfort that he looks forward to every single night, but for the past weeks, it’s a comfort that he isn’t as privileged to experience.

Tonight is more different than the other nights after Derry. He thinks of the way Eddie had reacted earlier, how hesitant he was to just be open to Richie. So different than how he used to be and it scares him; the notion of ‘used to’ as it indicates a permanent change and a point of no return.

He tries to look at the situation through Eddie’s perspective. Tries imagining being in his boyfriend’s shoes. He can’t lie; he is not able to relate. What it would be like to lose one’s parent? Then to have a complicated relationship with the said parent? Unlike Eddie, he is lucky. His parents are in a happy marriage. He can’t imagine how hard it must be for Eddie and his heart breaks every time he thinks of what he has gone through; so much in a span of so little time.

Lately, he sees so much sorrow in Eddie’s eyes. Even when he’s forcing that wide smile of him, one that he puts on to act like he is happy, Richie still sees it. There had been many times when he wanted to just shake Eddie and force him to spill the truth. Make him pour all of his griefs to Richie, lay it on him so that they can work it through together.

However, with Eddie, together is not something that can be used lightly. It’s something that Richie has to exert maximum effort towards until Eddie breaks. Not in the way that destroys him but in a way that tires him just enough to put his defenses down; layers upon layers of impenetrable walls, so sturdy that makes it impossible for Richie to tear it down.

How the 6 years that they have been together isn’t a preconditioned to make it easier for Eddie to open up to him leaves him scratching his head. How the walls still exist between them and never actually disappear is frustrating because he wishes nothing more for Eddie to feel like he can trust him on his problems.

Richie doesn’t want Eddie to keep on building his walls as he senses a different kind of sadness in him this time. He thinks it’s got to do more than his mum passing, he just feels it.

Eddie is keeping a secret. One he has no intention of sharing with Richie anytime soon. The worst part is he just has to wait in vain hope that Eddie wouldn’t disintegrate within himself while Richie is waiting for him to be ready to tell the secret.

_“What if he doesn’t?”_

Richie exhales heavily, and then tightens his hold around Eddie’s shoulder.

Truth to be told, he doesn’t know what he’ll do.

*****

Another week passes and Eddie is desperate for the whole thing with his dad to just be over. He wants nothing more than to be able to move on and for once, be his usual self. However, the problem is he is the type of person who always finds it hard to let go. He is the type to be swayed by his thoughts until he can’t bear the exhaustion of constant mindless thinking.

It’s Monday and it’s his day off. He wakes up this morning and found his resolve of wanting to let go wearing thin. Instead, what presents is the increasing curiosity to know more about his dad; something he had warned himself from the beginning to be a bad idea. Once he latches on the idea though, he decides to see it through.

Richie not being around spurs the potentially bad decision that’s about to occur. He paces around the apartment restlessly in trying to decide whether he should pursue the thing he’s about to do, which is basically go into the dragon’s lair. It is after his second cup of coffee that he just goes “Fuck it!” and log on to his laptop. He then quickly accesses his Facebook account and stares unsurely at the search function once his page loads up. His fingers shake, hovering above the keyboard. He types the word ‘Frank’ on the search bar but then quickly deletes it, instantly frustrated afterwards.

He takes another deep breath and types ‘Frank Kaspbrak’. He hits enter and waits for the search results.

The first profile he sees on the page leave him stunned. It’s a profile of a middle aged man with dirty blonde hair, staring at him, with a wide smile on his face. Somehow Eddie just knows; it’s his dad.

Even though Eddie inherited his mum’s brown hair and brown eyes, he could always see his dad in the shape of his eyes and face. They are those little things that connect they two of them; something that let Eddie have a sense of closeness to the man he thought he would never have the chance to see. He cherished that part of him because he had adored his dad so much.

That man in the picture is so much older than those pictures of him that Eddie has. However, there is no denying that’s Frank Kaspbrak.

Eddie stares blankly at the thumbnail, arguing with himself whether he should click on the profile. There’s some kind of buzz tingling at his fingertips, echoing in his chest.

“Why is this so easy?” He wonders.

He could have done this months ago, even before the death of his mum, and he could stumble upon this so much sooner.  Just some mindless searching for the sake of wishful thinking and he could have confront his mum instead of finding out through some goddamn letter. Like how he had searched for another Eddie Kaspbrak or an Edward Kaspbrak when he first made his account 8 years ago. He even had an Eddie Kaspbrak from Texas in his friends list; just because.

Eddie sighs and tries to divert his attention to another tab on the laptop screen, reading some scientific article about how the increase in the temperature will cause more suicide in America.

“Summer is a bitch!” He says aloud, actually bitter because of what had transpired in his life last June. He is unable to concentrate on a single word in the article. He takes a sip of the now lukewarm coffee then taps his fingers mindlessly over the dining table, his gaze trailing at the screen; the temptation to know pulling him in.

“Ah, fuck it!” He resolves, slamming both of his palms on top of the surface. The coffee giving him the courage the he desperately needs; fueling the dangerous game he’s about to play.

He clicks on the Facebook tab. Then, without waiting for a single second for changed mind, he clicks on this Frank Kaspbrak’s profile. He could be wrong, could be someone else.

His profile loads up and Eddie scrolls down to the bio and make a quick reading. He takes note that Frank Kaspbrak was born in 1976 – _well, his mum was born in the same year and his parents are supposed to be the same age_ – and that he is currently working as an Assistant Principal at an Arizona high school. His description says that he is a lucky father of three, blessed with the most beautiful wife in the world.

 _“Huh, how fancy_ ,” Eddie thinks.

As luck would have it, the account is set on public. The latest post had been just yesterday, where this Frank Kaspbrak – _his dad_ – was in a group photo at a pep rally. Eddie thinks he looked really happy in the photo. He stares at the picture intently; his eyes squinted as he inspects every single detail he could catch. The man bears a lot resemblance to him, despite his dark blonde hair and lighter eyes. He looks like he could be Eddie in 20 years’ time. From the picture, he estimates him to be about 5’7, maybe a little bit taller and although he is nowhere near to be described as big, he carries a slightly pudgy belly that dads usually do – _definitely a beer drinker_. –

Eddie scrolls further down the page and another post shows a picture of who he assumes as his dad’s new family. He was sitting in some restaurant, next to him was a woman names Maya – _his wife_ – and two similar looking blonde haired adolescent girls; the tag says Aliana and Amelia _– twins_. – They were all smiling at the camera, face radiating with happiness at the person taking the picture; as if they were holding a secret, one that only those in happy families know. They looked like the kind of person who knows they have each other to count on at the end of the day.

It is something that Eddie never had a sense of in his relationship with his mum. All he had was silent dinners at home, never at a restaurant because, “They’re all filthy Eddie. We’ll be safer at home. Do you want to get sick? You know how fragile you are sweetie.” Then yearly family photos at the town’s studio, two faces with stiff smiles immortalized inside cheap plastic frames; now collecting dusts in an empty home.

Suddenly, there’s a twist in Eddie’s stomach and he feels sick. He darts to the sink and bend his head down. He then throws up, his stomach intend on emptying its contents of eggs and muffins for breakfast and the coffee – _oh god, the coffee_. – The aftertaste mingling in his throat makes him gags, forcing him to bend down once more, this time, dry heaving with tears streaming down his face. He’s isn’t sure whether it’s from the act of throwing up itself or after seeing Frank Kaspbrak’s seemingly perfect life.

Eddie turns the tap on and positions his face to be in the direct flow of the water. He stands that way, for a full minute, taking comfort in the coolness, the searing heat in his face gradually decreasing from that action. Satisfy, he gurgles until he can’t longer taste any remnants of the vomit.

He moves back in front of his laptop. He exhales slowly for a moment, and then starts scrolling down the page, looking at the posts made by his dad. He stumbles after pictures upon pictures of his happy family. A lot of the photos contained images of Frank and his son, Francis, who is currently a senior in high school - _Which made him 5 years younger than Eddie_. - They seemed to have a really close bond, evident through the countless pictures of camping, fishing trips and football games. Eddie guesses this Francis must be a linebacker for his school’s football team. He definitely have the body for it; tall, maybe about Richie’s height of 6’2 and very muscular. Francis has his dad’s hair – _or should he say their dad’s_ – and his mum’s green eyes.

Again, Eddie doesn’t know what to do with all of this information. All he can conclude is that Frank Kaspbrak really loves his family. And he sure does adore his son. With caption such as ‘One the greatest gifts I had’ for Francis’ recent 17th birthday, it’s hard not to draw such conclusion.

All he can do for certain is address how his heart aches with bitterness and jealousy. And worst of all; an unexpected longing.

Why couldn’t it be him?

Why couldn’t it be his pictures with those captions under them in Frank’s Facebook account?

Why isn’t Eddie one of his greatest gifts?

 _“Why did you leave me?”_ He thinks despairingly.

_“Why am I not good enough?”_

The questions circle in his head. It is suffocating.

It’s not fair. It’s so fucking unfair. How he never gets to be the one to decide, to have a say in any of this.

Then, with that in mind, a flash of anger hits him. He grits his teeth as he searches for the New Message button. He isn’t sure this is a good idea, to stir something up. But he had enough, for once in his life, he wants answers and he is going to get it. No matter the consequences.

So he starts typing.

 

**_I don’t know how to do this. My name is Edward Kaspbrak from Derry, Maine. I was born on 18 th September, 1996. My mum was Sonia Kaspbrak._ **

**_I think you might be my dad._ **

****

He clicks on send. He watches as the status ‘sent’ appears before pushing down the cover of his laptop and moves from the chair to head to the living room. Halfway through, he feels suddenly drained of energy. His knees buckle and he slumps heavily down the floor. Absent mindedly, he begins crawling to make his way to the couch, dragging his knees pathetically against the hard floor with absolutely zero will to pick himself up. Once he is over the couch, he lies on his back and look out the window. At the clear sky that is devoid of any resemblance to what is brewing in his heart.

It hits him in a knock out fashion, what he just did. Then, what comes is almost some sort of regret and uncertainty that makes him grabs the cushion next to his head, press it over his face. He starts screaming. His tears soon follow, the sound of it muffled by the cushion, the way his skin muffles the sound of his heart screaming in pain.

It’s only 10.30 on a Monday morning and his life is already falling apart.

*****

Eddie awakens to the sound of keys jingling down the small hallway of the apartment. Richie is carrying plastic bags, probably groceries to the kitchen. He tries to recall why is he completely exhausted. Then he remembers. His face shifts instantly to one of stiff nonchalance as Richie’s padded footsteps directs to the living room.

He tries to brace himself when Richie throws his arms around his neck from behind, then kissing the top of his head.

“Hey baby,” Richie greets him casually.

“Hi Rich.” He replies, his back going stiff as Richie shuffles around the couch to sit next to him. He hopes his face doesn’t show any sign of his breakdown.

“Have you been crying?” Richie asks, voice concerned, as he takes hold of his shoulders to move his face towards him. There’s no hiding from this. Richie sees everything.

Eddie decides not to lie. “Yeah, just a little,” he admits, averting his gaze to Richie’s chest, finding his concern unbearable.

“Eddie what’s wrong?” Richie asks, calling his full name. An indication that he’s taking the matter seriously.

Is this how it’s going to be for now on? Their conversations always having Richie asking whether there is anything wrong with him. Because there is always going to be something wrong in Eddie’s life, something always being in a state of imbalance and Richie having to take some of that burden.

Eddie decides he doesn’t want that.

“Don’t worry about it. I guess I’m still a little upset about my mum.” He lies.

Richie face softens and he offers Eddie a soft smile. “Oh, I’m so sorry baby, “he says, pulling Eddie into a hug and rubbing his back gently.

Eddie wraps his arms around Richie’s waist and allows himself to relax into the embrace, nestling his face at the crook of his neck. His boyfriend’s body is warm from being outside and it is comforting. Richie then pushes away from him and with his hands still holding onto his shoulders.

“Can I kiss you?” Richie asks, smiling at him.

Eddie is taken by surprise at the sweetness of the request, prompting a shy smile on his end and nods.

Richie leans his face closer to Eddie’s with a huge grin on his face. When their lips touch, Eddie gasps as if this is the first time that they have kissed. Richie’s lips are slick against his, nudging and pressing both leisurely and intimately. His hands move to cradle the side of Eddie’s face and his fingers brush at his cheeks. Eddie caresses his arms in return, pressing his lips in accordance to his boyfriend’s motions, revering the moment; the tenderness in his touch and the love he feels radiating from the kiss.

Richie then directs his mouth to his entire face. His lips trail from the corners of his mouth, to his cheeks, his forehead and his nose. His final trail ends underneath his chin. It’s his favorite move, something he does every time and Eddie loves it.

Richie ends the kiss with his eyes closed. He searches for air momentarily. “Let’s go out for dinner. We can go to that burger place you like.” He entices.

Eddie thinks it over, the prospect of leaving the apartment for dinner at the burger place that’s about 45 minutes train ride from Brooklyn. Maybe it’ll be a good idea to go out for once. Somewhere that isn’t his work place. Maybe he can forget the whole thing with his dad afterwards, delete his Facebook account and live with the fact that whatever it is would just remain as a passing mystery that requires no answer.

Maybe this is how it’s meant to be all along.

Maybe the Frank Kaspbrak he just messaged is actually a stranger and is probably having a heart attack over having some random kid claiming to be his son.

Eddie desperately wishes for that to be the case but he knows it’s not.

“Sure.” He agrees and Richie’s face brightens up. “I’m just gonna take a shower. 20 minutes.” He stands up and leaves a kiss on Richie’s forehead.

“Can I join you?” Richie calls as he makes his way, obviously teasing him. Eddie rolls his eyes in playful annoyance and doesn’t answer. He enters the bedroom with his boyfriend’s laughter trailing in the background; his chest considerably lighter than before.

*****

Once he is fully dresses, Eddie gathers his belongings – _wallet and handphone_ – on the bedside table. There’s an email message at the notification. He clicks it without any sort of expectation on the content.

 

**_Hi Edward,_ **

**_It’s been 22 years. You are correct, I am your dad._ **

 

It’s a simple message but enough to leave him in a daze that causes him to drop his phone. He grips at the front of his sweater and starts pacing around the room. Dread fills every inch of his body as the room becomes void of air. Sweat trails down all the way from the temples of his head to the chin and he staggers as his body trembles.

He sits down with his back against the foot of the bed, pressing his hand over his chest.

He can’t breathe. He is going to die.

“Eddie, you ready babe?” he hears Richie calls outside the room.

_“Richie, help me. I’m going to die .I’m going to die”_

Nothing comes out of his mouth.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The update is so long overdue. I don't know whether anyone is interested in this haha. But anyway here it is. Please let me know what you think ^.^


	6. Truth or Dare

7 days.

It takes 7 days for his dad to reply his message; an equivalent to a week that leave Eddie stewing inside his human suit where inside, he is nothing but a ball of stress. In an act of foolish bravery, he had asked Frank whether they could meet up. Frank responded through radio silence, convincing Eddie that it was a bad idea. Until this message arrived this morning, Eddie felt like an idiot.

They began communicating through Facebook Messenger since about two months ago, after the first message that Eddie had received. Their correspondences haven’t been frequent, lapsing maybe two to three days after the last one. It’s a succession of Frank asking him about his education and Eddie asking him about his jobs. Perhaps the fact that it was Eddie who always has to initiate the messages should have risen a red flag that points to Frank not being that interested to know more about him.

However, as usual, when it comes to his dad, Eddie always reverts to the 5 year old mindset of his; full of hope and blind delusion.

Eddie is always conscious not to ask into details about his dad’s life. Somehow, his instincts say that if he pushes too hard, he’ll ask him to leave him alone. This flow seems important to keep even when he is continually in debate on wouldn’t it better to just move on when it’s so painfully clear that he’s the only who cares. The thought of another rejection from Frank is too daunting for him to face but at the same time presents a sick twisted allure that keep him content playing with fire.

To Eddie, everything still feels like it’s all on him, everything that had happen all boils down to him not being born as someone else. For instance, when it comes to his dad, the tasks of communicating with him are one he tackles like a test. He feels responsible to conduct himself better, to say all the right words, and present the best version of himself that he could. All of his flaws and shortcomings are something that shouldn’t be displayed because if they do make an appearance, Eddie then would not be someone who is deserving of Frank’s attention and time. It’s all very calculative and he tries really, giving zero concrete reason other than feeling like they’re his liabilities. He tries to prove it through the infrequent short messages through the messenger, even though he’s dying to know everything about his dad and never asking the only question that he wants an answer to the most.

Why?

He wonders whether Frank deletes their correspondences. Erase any traces of his existence like he’s been doing for the past 22 years. Like a dirty secret, safe to tell only through anonymous notes to be read by strangers. He wonders why until this day, Frank has never once referred to himself as his dad.

Still, it’s hard for Eddie to care. He takes what he can get because he is desperate. It doesn’t matter that Frank’s obvious coldness should have deter him since the beginning. He clings stubbornly to what’s left of his optimism, telling him that an answer should arrive soon enough.

That being said, he has no idea what type of answer he’s expecting. Because the story did start with Frank leaving because he didn’t want a small town life with a wife and a son. He wanted bigger things and left. And he got them eventually. It’s that simple.

However, still, for Eddie that explanation is simply not adequate to satisfy him. What he yearns for is something else; bigger that what his mum had written down. A more complex reason that does not convict him because it if isn’t him, then perhaps it’ll make it easier for Frank to ask for his number, pick up the phone and then … ask for his forgiveness? Say that he’s been living in regret ever since he left?

That he loves him? Loves him the way Eddie had imagined when the truth still never comes up. It’s a shame that part of his daily activities now consists of stalking Frank’s Facebook page. It’s irresistible, an open diary that shows who his dad truly is. He’s constantly hitting the refresh button even when a new post could potentially bring upon him a streak of jealousy on how happy his dad looked, while carrying on with his life as if Eddie still never happened. Every day, there’s torrents of new posts depicting his family having a good time and they always looks so out of reach as how is it even possible to be that happy all the time. It hurts Eddie in a way that’s hard to describe because he’s never been a jealous person before. Now, he’s the very definition of a green eyed monster that people warns about.

He is working under the premise of irrationality. He is fully aware but can’t shake the hope that his dad would be the one to make the initiative to see him _– this he would never be able to say out loud, even to himself._ – Up until to the point leading to Eddie receiving this address, it has always been him to take action.

Eddie has no clue why he continues to subject himself to it. The only justification he could provide is that all of this; the heartaches, all of them, come into place just to lead to this address in his phone screen. Lighting up the dim storage room of the coffee shop, the place where he hangs out during his 1 hour break.

Just an address, a date and a time; no invites. It’s like a dare for him to make something out of it.

This is how it gets more complicated. As in a game of Truth or Dare, Eddie would always pick Truth because he never has anything to hide. Furthermore, the only time he ever played the game was with the Losers where choosing Dare would be an invitation to do stuff that he would be too embarrassed to follow through. Such as that one time Mike had to shout at the top of his lungs in the middle of the school hallway that he likes to wear granny panties. It gave them a considerable good laugh but had ended up with him getting a week worth of detention and a month of what really looked like panties that grandma would wear stuffed in his lockers, some looking used just to add to his suffering.

So Eddie always picks Truth.

Therefore, he is notorious among the Losers for his fondness to spill. This time however, he decides to pick up Dare; especially now that he has a secret the magnitude of a crater to be kept hidden. It’s a non-issue for him that there’s no reason whatsoever for him to play the game.

So, with about 30 minutes left of his break, he starts mapping out the distance between New York and Arizona, how much the cost of a bus fare and a plane ticket, and how is he going to play this around Richie.

Richie, who still doesn’t know the reason behind his panic attack two months ago, who still looks at him as if he’s about to break anytime soon, messaging him more than he should during the day just to ask Eddie how he’s doing. Who keeps on asking even when he continuously replies with an ‘I’m fine’ and a smiley face.

Eddie still could recall in vivid detail the way Richie had stayed by his side, rubbing his back gently while wiping his own tears as Eddie cried as he rode the waves left from the panic episode. He remembers the way he clung onto his boyfriend, honestly convinced that he was really going to die. He woke up with Richie still holding him with his glasses lying askew over his face. Then Eddie had sneaked quietly to the guest bathroom to shower. He was off to the coffee shop in a hurry as Richie slept, arriving an hour earlier than normal.

Returning home that day was dreadful because he knew Richie would be waiting with a lot of questions. He had dragged his journey from the coffee shop to their apartment, brazing the cold but nevertheless, the apartment building isn’t capable of moving location and it stands static, a taunting figure as he walked up the stairs to their unit.

The stress of it all finally led to a major fight, a first as there hadn’t been anything worth being angry about before. But on that night, Eddie guesses that Richie was fed up with him stubbornly denying that something was going on. Eddie admits that he had let out some of his frustrations on his boyfriend in the process.

“Eds, please just talk to me. We can work out what’s bothering you. I’m worried.” Richie had pleaded.

“There’s nothing to worry about Richie. Trust me. I’m okay. Just stressed up.” Eddie countered with the same excuse he had been spewing ever since Richie had brought the subject up.

“About what?” Richie asked.

“Just stuff. I can’t really explain to you but it’s nothing worth worrying about.” Eddie tried to walk around his boyfriend to get to their room, terribly exhausted from work and excessive thinking. But Richie had pulled his arm before he could do so. That was when he started seeing red.

“I don’t believe you,” Richie stressed his point by gripping a little too tight on Eddie’s wrist, probably some of his own frustration coming out as well.

Eddie was furious and he shrugged Richie’s hold on him harshly. “I don’t care if you don’t. Just leave me alone,” he shouted. Richie had looked startled at his outburst but it was soon overcame with a flash of anger across his face when Eddie continued shouting, asking him why he couldn’t he just believe in him.

“Because you’re lying. You’re not fine Eddie. Nothing about this is healthy. I’m worried, you got that?” Richie shouted back at him, clearly past his endurance limit.

Eddie can’t comprehend the tiny bit of hatred he felt towards Richie at that moment. How dare he say that? How dare he saw right through him? Who even gave him the permission to see him like this?

“Too bad,” he yelled, not really helping his case. He shoved Richie’s chest and then marched to the guest bedroom, slamming the door using all his might, rattling the door’s wooden frame, and then proceeded to lie down on the bed. It was too much that he didn’t even cry even when tears were rolling down his face as he stared at the ceiling. His mind was protesting against his whole body, indignant in its fight and he didn’t know which one of them to address first.

He spent most of the night that way, aside from the occasional tossing and turning, without a wink of sleep. Up until 5 am struck and his phone alarm went off, signaling the time to get ready for work. He was exhausted of course but the relentless whirlwind in his mind kept him alert and he surrendered to the motion, like a robot, stripping down to his boxer and then exiting the room for a hot shower.

He found Richie sitting with his back against the wall opposite the guest room. Their bedroom door was opened, dark, except for the small night light they often put on. He looked up at Eddie with bloodshot eyes. Then, without a word, just a tired half smile on his face, he reached for his hand and pulled him down for a hug.

“I’m sorry baby,” he said.

Eddie shook his head, cupping his face between his palms. He gave him a soft peck on the lips. “No it was me. I was the jerk last night,” Eddie told him.

Richie wanted to protest but Eddie quickly shut him down with another kiss on the lips. Eddie wrapped his arms around his neck, pressing his forehead on top of his left shoulder, inhaling his scent.

“Don’t worry too much about me, ok? I’ll let you know if you need to know. Trust me.” Eddie had lied. No he wouldn’t, because Richie doesn’t need to know this. It’s his problems, his own weight to carry.

“I trust you.” Richie had sounded equally hesitant and relieved.

He left the apartment when it was much too early, the taste of the tea Richie had prepared for him strong on his tongue. The warmth on his cheeks, left from when Richie had kissed them, lingered, the cool from the early morning air hitting the skin there, making them tingles. It felt like an anchor holding him on the ground from being lost in his head where it is often unforgiving.

He remembers the only thing running through his mind was how much he hated the person he’s becoming.

Now, as he stares at the phone screen, with the new added knowledge that it’ll take more than 2000 miles to get to Arizona from New York, pressing the send button to inform that he would come and meet him on the date as set, he thinks of how he’ll probably hates himself more after all of this is over.

 

*****

 

Eddie could feel Richie’s eyes following his every movement from where he sits at the edge of their bed as he packs his luggage. To Richie, he’s going to Ohio to visit Aunt Susie. It’s the most perfect cover up that he could think off because it’s the only plausible family visit he could make. Richie would never doubt him on that. The only thing that had taken him by surprise was how last minute Eddie’s plan is.

“Why can’t I come with you? I can drive us to Ohio. You don’t have to use the bus.” Richie repeats the argument they’ve been having ever since he broke the news about his trip to ‘Ohio’ which would be tomorrow morning.

“It’s a family thing. You’ll get bored and I don’t want you driving that far. It’s dangerous.” Eddie tries to offer an explanation that would keep him satisfied.

Besides, his boyfriend doesn’t know that the bus ticket would only take him to Washington DC as he would later get on a plane to Phoenix, Arizona. It’s so unnecessarily elaborate and foolish but he couldn’t risk Richie founding out the truth.

“I won’t get bored Eds. Promise. I can buy us plane tickets if you don’t want me driving. Come on babe, I just don’t want you to go alone,” Richie says, almost whining.

“Rich, your dad gave you the credit card for emergencies. Not Eddie related expenses. It’s bad enough that you refused to let me pay back the tickets to Maine. Now you want to pay for another trip? What would he think of me? It’s fine. I can manage,” Eddie explains, zipping up his luggage, finally done with packing.

He moves it to the floor and the walks up to stand in front of Richie, where immediately he is pulled closer with arms wrapped around his waist. He leans his head down to kiss the crown of his boyfriend’s head. “Besides, why don’t you want me to go alone?” he asks.

“Because, you might, well you.” Richie seems unable to go through with what he wants to say, shifting his eyes elsewhere but at Eddie. He bites his lips, looking almost ashamed.

Eddie cocked his eyebrow in interest, asking him to continue. In the back of his mind, he kind of figures what Richie means. “What? Spit it out. My panic attack?” He notices the way the latter’s features tighten – _Bulleyes._ –

“You can say that. The dementors aren’t going to come knocking on our door.” He tries to play it off, inserting humor to dispel Richie’s concern.

Richie sighs and then presses his face sideways on Eddie’s stomach. “Yeah,” he admits. “What if you got another attack? You’re gonna be in that bus for hours, what if that happened? Who’s going to help you?” he asks.

Eddie pushes away from Richie, reaching to get his backpack. He rummages through the contents then pulls out a brown paper bag. He holds it in front of him. “This.” He shows it to Richie with a smile; again, intending to make a joke but the humor appears lost to his boyfriend who just looks at it grimly.

“It’s not funny Eddie,” he says, serious.

Eddie drops the bag on the bed and sits next to Richie. “Don’t you trust me Richie?” he employs the big gun.

The question takes Richie off guard. He stays silent as if looking for the appropriate answer. “Of course,” he finally says. Then, he shifts so that he’s facing Eddie’s profile, spreading his legs wide so that he settles in between. He presses his face on the crook of Eddie’s neck, arms once again finding the curve around his waist.

Eddie brushes absent mindedly at his forearm. “Then let me do this. I just feel like spending some time with Aunt Susie. I’ll be back in 5 days.” Eddie reasons.

Richie nods his head. “Fine, I won’t say anything anymore.” He lifts his face up, pouting. Eddie finds it to be so endearing and smiles at that.

“What time you need to leave tomorrow? Let’s have breakfast before I drive you to the station,” Richie says.

“It’s ok. I’ll just get an Uber.” Eddie replies, not wanting to cause any hassle.

“No way. Absolutely no way. Not going to compromise on that.” Richie shakes his head determinedly. “A drive to the bus station isn’t going to kill me Eds.” He says. “I’m your boyfriend. Let me do my job.” He presses on.

_“You finding out about my lies would kill me.”_ Eddie thinks to himself.

But there’s no other way to it. Not going along with Richie’s offer would open so much more suspicion in the wake of his trail of lies. So he nods his agreement.

“I have to leave by 7. Is that cool? Or too early?” Eddie teases him on the last part.

A huge grin breaks out across Richie’s face. “Eds, baby, you know I live by the rule that life isn’t worth living if we have to wake up before 9am. But, for you, I’ll make an exception.” He pushes Eddie gently on the bed and then straddles his hips. Slowly he leans down to kiss him.

Then, Richie leans his body up, his elbow pressing on the bed on each side of Eddie’s head. He smiles at him as he strokes his hair. “Or two.” He kisses him again.

“I love you baby.” And he’s looking at Eddie with such a soft smile, one that carries with it an absence of doubt to Eddie on his honesty.

_“Sweet. So sweet. You’re too good for me.”_ Eddie thinks as his arms circle Richie’s neck.

Tonight, after months of them not touching each other, - _because Eddie never seems to be in the mood –_ Eddie let Richie touches him, the way that only he is permitted to, on secret places around his body that only he knows where to find. Then, he lets Richie undressed him, kiss him some more, open him apart and get underneath his skin. Tonight he wants to get lost underneath the weight of Richie on top of him with his broad shoulder almost a shield protecting him from the outside.

Things may have changes in his life, a past reality altered but Eddie thinks of how even if the world overturns, or the apocalypse coming to claim every single thing that ever lived, he knows the one thing that will always stay the same.

It is how Richie’s touch will always ignite a fire deep inside of him.

 

*****

 

Eddie manages to get on board the bus without any hitch. His plan miraculously aided by the huge traffic leading to the greyhound station. It gave him an excuse to be dropped off at the side of the road as parking was hard to come by. Richie wasn’t happy about his intention to send him off thwarted by the not really unexpected circumstances. It’s New York after all. He left Richie with a hug and a kiss on the lips. He was headed to the station as soon as he closed the truck’s door, fearing that a glance back would cause a change of heart or even worse, Richie catching on that his lies. Which is probably been blown out of proportion so many times in his head but a guilty person would always assume that he’s only second away from being exposed. With that logic if he gives Richie a chance to look long enough, he’ll probably catch on.

He isn’t going to lie. He’s freaked out over the prospect of tomorrow; the day when he’ll finally meet his dad. An unshakable sense of doom surrounds him ever since stepping inside the station. Suddenly, everything feels too real, closing on him at every corner.

He tries to ignore it as he sits at the waiting chair near the window, a can of cold soda in his hand. The few people sitting around him are drinking hot beverages. He feels like a weirdo but so drenched in sweat as if he’s dealing with summer temperature despite the strong air conditioning blowing directly on top of him from the vent.

His phone vibrates in the pocket of his jeans. It’s Richie, wishing him a wonderful trip and to say hi to Aunt Susie. Then, there’s another one telling Eddie that he loves him.

Eddie looks at the message sadly.

_“Sweet.”_

_“What would you do think of me Richie if you knew what I’m actually doing?”_

 

*****

 

The universe works in a mysterious way when it decides the strangers we meet along the way under the guise of coincidence. Sometimes, it spares a moment to taunt people like Eddie.

Before the bus was set to leave the station, a boy who looked to be around 4 to 5 years old got on board the bus with his dad. They sat on the opposite side, 1 row up from where Eddie was sitting. Upon seeing them, Eddie was instantly transfixed as he observed the way they interacted with each other. He was so caught up that it came to the point that he needed to remind himself to stop staring because if anyone were to notice, he sure he had looked like such a creep.

However, it was too lovely to ignore. The way the dad guided the boy to the toilet,  – _hand in hand_ – the way he then patiently helped the boy finished his meal properly and the way the boy fall asleep with his head leaning on his dad’s forearm. It was an example of a love that is simple and without any hesitation. The kind that parents should have towards their children.

What made the encounter even more special was the boy wishing him goodbye with that sweet voice of a child before he exited the bus at DC. His dad had shaken his head fondly at the boy, laughing at the same time. Eddie smiled and then waved at him as the boy pressed his face on the bus where he continues looking at Eddie until the bus took him away from view.

That might be the only good thing to come out of this trip.

Eddie wishes he could tell the boy how lucky he is. The same way Richie is lucky because that’s what he has with his parents. In fact, most of the losers have great parents; Mike, Stan, Ben, and even Bill, whose strained relationship with Mr. and Mrs. Denbrough started getting better towards the start of high school after they worked out their grief brought upon by Georgie’s death – Bill’s younger brother – with the help of a psychologist.

With Beverly though, it’s a whole different story where she decided to cut ties with hers. She vowed to leave Derry and live her best life with Ben in New Jersey. She has always been strong willed and brave.

Eddie hopes he has the same strength when tomorrow comes.

 

*****

 

The taxi enters the intimidating confines of the gated community after getting clearance from the security guard. Muted colored houses line up each side of the dark asphalt rood, green plush grasses spread across the ground, neatly trimmed, looking like they exist for a purpose. Eddie marvels at the expensive looking houses, definitely so much fancier than the houses at the more affluent part of town in Derry where Richie’s family live. This is a whole different level. He grows slightly unconfident as he thinks that he might be a bit undressed in a navy blue button up and black jeans.

Soft jazz music fills up the car as they drive even further into the suburb. The chatty middle aged driver has long resolve into silence after his attempts for conversation with Eddie was met with one worded answers. He managed to get Eddie’s name and where he is from before maybe deciding that he’s just another snobbish New Yorker. Eddie hopes that’s not the case as he’s just too nervous to concentrate on what he’s saying.

He woke up this morning dreading the event that’s to come in any minutes now. The first thing he thought of was is he seriously doing this. Like what is he even doing? He skipped breakfast in favor of the nervous butterflies in his stomach and also and additional hour to pace around his room to gather his courage. He jumped when the receptionist called to inform him that the taxi was ready.

His train of thoughts breaks as the taxi reaches the destination. Eddie looks unsurely outside the window at the modern double-story Tuscan styled house.

“Going for an interview?” His expression might have translates his anxiety to the taxi driver as he looks curiously at Eddie through the rear view mirror.

_“No, I’m meeting my dad who abandoned me when I was 2._ ” Imagine if he were to say that.

“I’m meeting a relative,” Eddie answers. Close enough. He reaches for a 50 dollar bill, “Keep the change,” he says to the driver whose face instantly brightens up at the large tip. So impressed he is with Eddie that he steps out of the taxi to open the door for him.

“Have a nice day, Eddie from New York,” he says before taking off.

Eddie waits until he’s completely gone, buying time.

 

*****

 

_“Fuck, Fuck. Fuck. Am I really doing this?”_ Eddie talks to himself.

The question is moot though considering that he’s almost at the door. He swears there’s a silhouette of a person behind the white curtains covering the large window next to the grand door. Is that his dad?

Eddie stands dead before the door, unsure. He fixes his button up shirt, new jeans and make sure that his shoes are clean. His legs are poles of jelly as he rings the bell, heart skipping a beat as he waits.

His tighten his fists as he hears footsteps inside the house, coming closer to the door. Then slowly, the door opens and there’s nothing in the air but dreadful anticipation. This time his heartbeats multiply to a thousand miles per hour.

“Hello Edward.”

There standing in front of him is Frank Kaspbrak.

His dad. Who is real and he’s talking to him, his hair is blond and his eyes are blue and he’s taller than him, and, and …

_“Don’t you dare cry.”_

“Hello, Sir.” Eddie utters. His voice sounding strange in his own ears; small and terrified.

 

*****

 

The inside of the Kaspbrak’s residence smells faintly of vanilla. Eddie walks in wearing his socks. It’s a beautiful home; cosy, warm, and with the air of being brand new. Framed pictures hang neatly on the walls leading to the living room; chronicling the life of the Kaspbraks, proudly displayed like they should because they are the embodiment of the catalogue of a happy family. If there’s ever a need for a picture definition of the word, Eddie would lead those asking to these walls.

He follows his dad, staring at his back, calculating whether it’s the same width as his. Looking at the hints of silver among the dark blond tresses and trying to convince himself that his shoulders don’t look that tense.

They enter the living room where things are in shades of grey, baby blue and soft brown. Frank tells him to sit at the sofa opposite to the French door that overlooks the swimming pool in the backyard. Frank sits at the arm chair near the electric fire place.

He is looking at Eddie with those eyes that are shaped like his own, but blue and piercing. So much different from the pictures Eddie grew up with. He appears to be in deep thought, making Eddie uncomfortable.

“Would you like some tea? Coffee?” His dad finally speaks, breaking the awkward silence.

It’s alright.” Eddie declines.

Frank keeps his mouth in a tight line, twiddling his thumbs over each other. “How’ve you been Edward?’

_“It’s Eddie. Everyone calls me Eddie.”_ He wants to tell him but doesn’t.

“Um, I’m good,” he says.

_“This is so awkward.”_

“So you’re in pre-med. That’ impressive. I can’t imagine it’s an easy path to get into.” Frank says.

Some kind of hope blossoms in his chest. Frank actually remembers. “I guess it’s not easy.” Eddie shifts as he’s been sitting stiffly but is a little comfortable now. “But it’s something that I’m really interested in for a while.” Eddie adds.

Frank nods. “What are you planning to major in?” he asks while extracting a piece of pipe from the pocket of his pants. “Do you mind?” he asks Eddie.

Eddie shakes his head. Franks lights up the pipe and then takes a long drag. “The missus hates it when I do this,” he confesses endearingly. Then he tips his head, waiting for Eddie to answer.

“Family Medicine.” Eddie says as he watches him take another long drag from the pipe. Conflicted, because he hates the habit; something that might have been ingrained inside of him by his mum and her hypochondriac tendency. Although, as a pre-med student, it’s legitimate.

He remembered seeing Richie with cigarettes in his hand when they were 15 and they weren’t even dating yet but it hadn’t stop him from snatching it from Richie’s hand to stomp it under his feet. “Do you have a death wish Richie?” he had asked with angry tears in his eyes after Richie scolded him.

 Richie never tries to do that again after the incidence. So that must have worked.

But now he could only watch. At this man who is a stranger compared to the person he thought he knew. It’s not his place to comment anything.

“That’s very good. You can make a lot of money from that,” Frank says. He sets the pipe over an ashtray on the coffee table. Eddie feels relieved.

“Maybe.” He jokes.

However, his smile falters at the sudden sad look on his dad’s face. “Maybe I should get you that drink I’ve told you about.” Then he stands and goes into the kitchen without giving him any chance to again decline.

With pretty much nothing to do, Eddie wanders around the living room, looking at the books stacked neatly inside the book case. After that, he moves to the window to look at the swimming pool and the dirty barbeque pit at the corner, showing sign of recent use. He could imagine the various get together they must have there. He tries to put himself in one of those scenarios. He couldn’t find one where he fits in.

Frank returns with a cup of tea, placing it at the coffee table as Eddie returns to the sofa.

“Go ahead. Have some drink.” He offers.

Eddie lifts the saucer up causing the teaspoon to rattle like an obnoxious bell. He puts it back down, embarrassed that his hand is shaking. He then takes only the cup and sips carefully.

“Thank you,” he says.

The apprehensive look on Frank’s face causes him to drop his eyes to the hardwood floor.

Can they just cut to the chase? He isn’t here to drink tea. He’s here for the truth.

“Why did you leave?” The question leaves his mouth with control; shattering the air of pretend civility. But it’s out in the open and although blindsided by his traitorous mouth, he feels his burden decreasing.

Frank gives a long sigh. “I guess it’s time I tell you the truth Edward.” He pauses and looks at Eddie. “Your mum and I, we got married very young. We dated for 6 months and I was about to break up with her when she told me that she was pregnant. I decided to marry her. It felt like the right thing to do, the only thing people told me to do. Shortly afterwards, I got a job at the post office.” He continues.

He has his fists under his chin as he talks and a faraway look in his eyes as he reminisces.

“Then you were born. And for a while, I thought that was what I wanted. To do the honorable thing. Even if it meant raising a child with a woman I didn’t love. I thought I could do it for your sake.” He confesses.

Eddie’s chest clenches from the last admission. “But you couldn’t,” he guesses.

Frank doesn’t say anything but his silence confirms it all. “Edward, you have to understand, I’ve always wanted something more with my life. I didn’t want to be stuck in a place like Derry, working at the post office with a family I wasn’t ready to build. Two months after you were born, I was ready to leave.” He admits.

Eddie doesn’t know how to respond. It’s pretty much what his mum had written on the letter. However, hearing this out loud is so much worse.

He was an accident. His dad never wanted him and that is the only truth.

“This is probably not what you wanted to hear. I’m truly sorry for leaving you and your mum. But, I wouldn’t be able to be a good dad even if I had stay.” He moves slightly forward, clutching his hands together of top of his lap. “I was a bright student. I had a chance to make something out of myself. My whole life, growing up, Derry had felt like a prison and I thought I would be able to break free once I’m older. But then, you were born, and it felt like I was handcuff forever.”

Eddie bites his lips to prevent from crying. _“This is too much. Stop, stop.”_

Frank’s expression is passive, as if he’s not really sorry.

_“Tell me something good too, not just the bad things.”_

“I have a chance to leave for a new job in Florida. I took it. A year later, I requested for a divorce from your mum through the court.” He concluded.

“She told me you were dead.” Eddie spits out, perhaps some part of him wanting to indicate the little significance his dad has on him when he was growing up, out of spite. To indicate to him that meeting him isn’t a long life dream of his.

Frank looks surprise. Then shakes his head, frustrated. “I didn’t know that.”

“You’ve been dead to me my whole life. And this summer, she, she, left me a letter, to tell me all about you.” Eddie reiterates. He swallows the despair rising up to his chest, hoping to stay strong.

Frank sighs then leans back on the armchair and the crosses his arms across the chest. “I’m sorry to hear that. It sure did make this thing a whole lot more complicated than it should be.”

“It doesn’t have to be.” Eddie fidgets with the button on the sleeve of his shirt. “We could, um, maybe,” he trails, seeing the instant change in his dad’s face, perhaps catching on to where he is going with it. Eddie doesn’t continue, increasingly nervous at the tenseness returning to Frank’s shoulder. Immediately, he thinks of fortresses.

“Were you hoping that we could have a relationship?” Frank asks.

“ _Maybe.”_ Eddie can’t give him an answer.

“Edward, my wife doesn’t know that our marriage was my second. Neither do my kids. If this comes out, I don’t think they would be able to accept that I’ve been lying this entire time. I could lose everything. You do understand right?” Frank says, desperate.

Again, Eddie keeps his mouth shut as he processes the significance those words carry, the true meaning his dad wants him to understand. And he hears it loud and clear, at the only blank space available in his mind, carrying them straight to his heart, smashed beyond repair. What underlies is that he still doesn’t want him.

Frank brushes agitatedly at his face, gone are the picture of the polished man he tries to portray earlier. What he sees now is man who is equally as scared as he is, but for different reason and with higher stakes in hand.

“I understand Sir.” Eddie says, deciding to end his torture.

“I’m sorry Edward, but my family is very important to me and I can’t think of anything worse than them turning on me. All of this,” he gestures at the room, “was years and years of hard work. Me and my wife, we worked ourselves to the bone to be able to afford this life. I owe everything to her. She and the kids, they’re the love of my life. I won’t survive without them,” Frank says passionately, intent on making Eddie accepts his reasoning.

“You’ll understand it one day when you have someone who is so important to you that you’ll do anything, anything to keep them happy.” He continues.

Finally he looks at Eddie, his piercing blue eyes cold, uncaring and what Eddie deduce is an ultimatum. Eddie feels useless and small. He reaches up and awkwardly touches his hair, the action feeling not quite right but needing something to hide behind. He’s embarrassed, no, humiliated even when his dad didn’t really tells him outright to stay out of his life after this.

He really just got rejected for the second time.

However, he couldn’t find it in him to be angry. In a sense, he understands his reason to keep this as a secret.

“I get it. It’s alright.” Eddie tells him.

Frank looks relieved at his assurance but switches his demeanor to a sympathetic one, maybe realizing that Eddie might notices.

“Thank you for your understanding. I wish we could have a relationship. I really do Edward but with things being the way they are, it’s just not possible.” He tries to console Eddie, perhaps thinking that this is what he wants to hear.

It’s not.

_“You don’t have to oversell it. You’ve won.”_

Eddie smiles at him slightly and stands up. “It’s getting late. I should get going.”

Frank does the same and puts out his hand for a handshake. “It’s nice meeting you. I wish you all the best Edward.” He says, for once sounding sincere.

Eddie takes his hand; smooth but cold. “You too Sir.”

“Come, let me walk you out.” He offers.

Eddie follows him to the door. As he passes the pictures on the wall again, he vows to forget; how happy they looked in those pictures, their house that smells like vanilla, and how his dad walks with hands in his pockets.

He vows to forget the pain he feels today. One that is so incomprehensible like nothing he ever felt before. He thought he had felt everything, but nothing could compare to what his body is carrying for him today. It fills him with everything but leaving him hollow at the same time.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have dug this hole but it’s too late now. He got the answer at the end but it turns out that it’s not really worth it to know all along.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please let me know what you think ^.^


	7. Ohio

It is one of those nights where the sky is the perfect picture people talks about in a song. An almost pitch black darkness with dots of stars and moon hanging above where it’s impossible to reach. It’s one of those nights better suited spent next to a window in a warm bedroom and a hot cocoa in hand.

It’s definitely not a night to spend outside in freaking cemetery.

Eddie enters the ground, right after the taxi driver left him with a confused gaze that quickly shifts into a frightened one as he rushes to give Eddie his change and then without a single glance in his way, steps on the pedal, never stopping.

Great, now Eddie is sure that he must think that he’s a crazy person. The thought soon leaves him behind the further he walks into the ground, using the odd street lights littered here and there across the ground as his guide. Even though this would only be his third time visiting his mum’s grave, he knows the way to her resting place like it’s mapped out in the back of his head.

If someone were to ask, Eddie wouldn’t be able to begin how to explain what he’s really doing. How an understandable decision to cut short his Arizona trip turns into him purchasing a one way ticket to Maine exceeded his reasoning capacity. If only things are much clearer in his head, perhaps a more rational decision could be expected. As of now, Eddie couldn’t tell whether he’s actually okay in the mind.

The only thing that stands as a motivation is this need to see her, even when the only thing that physically exists is her grave. It’s the one desire that overcomes him as soon after the disastrous meeting with Frank had taken place. He wants to talk to her, no matter the fact still stands that she could no longer answer him. But there’s just something that tells him, a voice that convinces him that although she is dead but maybe somehow she’s still listening. And just maybe, this would be the final pieces that’ll tie it all together and maybe the hole that grew three months ago would finally disappear.

He continues up the small hill where just beyond the smooth slope downwards, Sonia’s final resting place is located. As he gets closer, he could see the flowers he had placed on top of it, months ago lay wilted in the hands of nature. It’s a sad indicator that tells nobody have come to visit her ever since.

He stands next to it, and searches for the name engraved on the headstone. Once he sees it, he stares at the name intently; pressing his mouth into a tight line. Then, without meaning to, tears welled up in his eyes.

Suddenly, he feels it all; every suppressed emotion he’s been trying to hide swims up to the surface. They fight for a ground to stay alive, collecting into a painful clench in his chest; all the pain he has gone through just because she decided to share a secret.

Did she even think of what the truth could do to him? Did she really care? Or was getting it out of her chest so much more important than the aftermath that could come afterwards?

Did it ever occur to her how catastrophic it would turn out? Eddie doesn’t think he could ever come back from something like that, unscathed and unaffected. The memories of Arizona would be forever imprinted in his memory, to haunt his every move whether he likes it or not. Pretending like it never happened is out of the question because he still hears it, now and then, the way Frank’s voice has sounded when he told Eddie that he wanted nothing to do with him.

Eddie touches the limestone surface of the headstone, sniffling not from the cold but the never-ending trail of tears across his cheeks. He hates how it’s so easy for him to break down nowadays. He hates how weak he’s truly is.

All of this feels like it’s all her fault.

“You know, you could’ve made it so much easier. Not tell me. Keep it a secret.” He begins talking to the air, eyes locked downwards. He imagines that she’s in front of him.

“Or you could’ve told me from the beginning. Teach me to hate him the way you taught me to hate everything about myself.” Eddie brings the sleeve of his jacket up to his face, swiping across the dampness. Even it’s difficult for him to admit, letting it all out feels good after holding it back since yesterday.

“What did you expect me to do about the letter Ma?” He asks aloud. But of course nobody answers him; only a self-monologue in a sea of graves.

“Did you expect me to move on after knowing that my dad left us? Or did you left the letter hoping that I would find him and see it for myself how much he hates us?” The last sentence is biting, harsh on his tongue, making him glower at the image of her in his imagination.

“Why can’t you just give me a break? I was ready to move on. I was ready to forgive you.” He clenches his teeth, fighting the compulsion to scream in rage or break something.

“But you, you just have to continue making me miserable didn’t you?” He accuses. “You know what? I think you hated me just as much as he does. That’s why you’re trying to punish me. Over something I have no control of.” He continues, believing every single words.

“That’s ok though. Cuz I’m done. I’m not gonna try seeing a reason behind all this anymore cuz I’m done trying to find a reason to forgive you. I don’t. I don’t forgive you.” He shakes his head determinedly, trying to convince himself that this is true.

Eddie pulls off his backpack and dumps it on the grassy ground. He kneels down to open it, taking the carefully sealed letter underneath his clothes. He tears the top open, extracting the letter he had read only two times. He scans through the words; pausing at all the ways Sonia had written to tell how proud she was of him. He makes up his mind that all of her words were lies. Because if she really did care, then she wouldn’t have been so cruel.

“I don’t forgive you.” He repeats the word, holding the letter in front of him. The flash of hatred incites him to destroy it, just to prove himself. He wants to get to decide from now on, not to be burdened by this anymore.

He grips intently at both corners of the pages. He wants to do it but hesitates.

_“Just do it, you idiot, you piece of shit.”_ The voice in his head mocks, the few seconds it takes to completely destroys the letter just at the end of his fingertips.

“Hey! What are you doin’ there?” A stranger voice suddenly calls out in the middle of the darkness.

Eddie drops the letter to the ground and scrambles to collect them while a flash of light is directed at him, making him squints through the shocking brightness.

The trail of light lingers on his face and then moves all the way down to his feet. Eddie stuffs the letter in his backpack and then stands up, holding up his hand. It doesn’t take him long to recognize the old grave keeper, Mr. Weston.

He must recognize Eddie as well because he diverts his flashlight to the headstone. “You’re Sonia’s boy aren’t ya? What are you doing in the dark son?” he asks with a voice much friendlier than a few seconds ago.

Eddie thinks that it’s ironic how it’s a stranger who calls him son with such ease.

“Just visiting.” He tells him.

“Well best to get going. It’s gonna get a lot colder soon.” Mr. Weston stands in waiting, obviously expecting Eddie to leave. 

Eddie has no choice but to do just that. Besides, he has said all that he wanted to. He takes one last look at the grave, at the name engraved there and the wilted flowers that would soon disappears into ashes. The anger that has consumed him earlier disappears. The only thing left sadness.

And he sees her, Sonia, with the rare genuine sad smile that she sometimes had; one with the power to cripple him with so much guilt, even now, when it’s just a memory.

“ _Goodbye Mama_.” For a second time, he bids farewell to her. However, there would be no other time than this night. Tonight would be the last time.

He would never return to this place anymore.

 

*****

 

It’s amazing how his feet seem to retain their memory on how to get to his old house. He lets his instinct be his driver, unable to think of anywhere else to go. It isn’t a surprise to him that he ends up in front of the dark house, an alien among the lighted up houses of the neighbors. He walks across the driveway, stepping on top of the dead leaves left from summer. He unlocks the door using the key he kept guarded in his wallet, never once thinking that he would use it this soon.

The hinges squeaks, making way for a long forgotten memory of his mum complaining about the noise ever since he could remember, but at the same time never actually doing anything to fix the damn door. After all these years and it’s still making that god awful noise. Eddie finds the light switch next to the door. Thankfully it works and the hallway brightens. He’s instantly transporting to how life was when he was younger in this exact hallway. He could almost hear the laughter track from the sitcom his mum used to watch in the living room. Is it self-contradictory for him to wish he could go back just so he could experience that piece of memory, even just once?

He moves from the hallway to the living room, ignoring the weird silence of the empty house. He drops his backpack on the floor, removes the white cloth covering the couch and then lies down on top of the musty smelling furniture.

The exhaustion he feels is crippling but his eyes refuse to surrender as his mind plays out the events that have transpired ever since he decided to leave New York. He tries to formulate all the different approaches that he could have taken. From the most complicated ones to the simplest and perhaps what someone else in his situation would have probably taken; get angry with his dad, hate him for leaving and swears not to have anything to do with him. Maybe he could tell Richie. Share his grief with him, have a partner to villainize Frank but it’s too late. Besides he never wants Richie to know about any of this, it’s the one constant variable in the equation.

Then again, even with all those viable options present, of course the one he chose was seeking out his dad like a pathetic fool with absolutely no dignity. If only he hasn’t opened that door, maybe he wouldn’t feel this bad.

Most of the time, when this type of feeling gets to him, there are only a handful of people he feels like he could talk to; his boyfriend or his aunt. He couldn’t call Richie about this for obvious reason even though he misses him so much.

Then, there’s always Aunt Susie, another person that he assumes he could always count on. But  in this particular scenario, not so much. He could never get over the suspicion that she knew and went along with it. If this is proven to be true and he highly believes that it does, then he is so disappointed in her, point blank. It’s another unexplored territory for Eddie as he never has any reason to feel this way about his aunt before. He feels like a security blanket he’s been holding so dearly tugged away from him without permission.

It’s the reason why he has been avoiding a lot of her calls lately, only communicating with her via messages. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it; to listen to her talk while his mind is occupied only with wondering why she went along with it.

However, that part of his brain that’s still rational does accost him from time to time on how unfair it is to her. What if it was him in this situation? What would he have done differently? It’s easier to judge while being outside of such predicament. And maybe, she is as oblivious as he was about his dad and he’s getting upset over her for no reason other than his need to be angry and victimized.

Then again, these are nothing more than just theories. The only way to break out of the circle of unanswered questions is always there for him to take; facing it head on with fingers crossed.

But still, Eddie is not prepared on the outcome from opening another mystery door. So far, all he had gotten were disappointment. He doesn’t want her to be another person causing that exact result. He has no one else besides her to call as family.

Sonia’s other sisters don’t count, they never do.  

 

*****

 

Sleep doesn’t come easy; it never does these days for Eddie. Just as he is about to drift into the sweet promise of slumber, his lungs constricts and he loses air as if it’s being sucked out of him with a vacuum. He is at that point where while he might be desperate for shut eyes, his brain is in a constant look out, stopping him from achieving it. And it’s not good, to be in this position as he hasn’t been able to sleep ever since yesterday. He feels as if he’s going crazy as the minute turns to hours and now the clock on the phone shows about 1 in the morning.

Is this what it’s like to lose one’s sanity?

He gives up and just to have something to waste the time with and hopefully tires him out, he explores the house, going to the kitchen and opening the empty fridge. Expecting to find his mum’s favorite meals sealed in containers up to the point of expiration. For someone who claimed disgust on restaurant foods, she was never particular when it comes to her own cooking.

Then he goes upstairs, using the flashlight function on his phone as the light switches aren’t working. He could check out the main switch in the basement but that would be too much trouble. He peeks inside his mum’s room, the bed and furniture also covered with white cloth by Aunt Susie.

He gets bored and decides to go to his old room, pulls the curtain to let light in from the outside. He takes out some of the CDs from the bookshelves, smiling a little at some of the corny musicians he used to listen to. He takes one album in particular with him to the bed, placing his phone next to him as he sits, taking note that the power is at 20%. He feels no rush or need to charge it.

This particular album in his hand is the first album he ever owned. It was a Good Charlotte CD and he had treasured it so much since having it when he was 12 years old, once innocently regarding the band as the epitome of a great music. He would listen to it repeatedly, late at night, through his headphone with the earnest conviction that the lyrics were written just for him.

It was Aunt Susie who bought him the album. He remembers his mum refusing to let him buy an album by a bunch of tattooed guys who looked like the poster child of rebellion and STDs. He had been so angry at her for that, for judging those people she didn’t even know and with the same spirit of rebellion that his mum had been so critical of, he begged his aunt to buy it for him as a birthday present. 

His mum wasn’t pleased when he opened his present when his birthday came but said nothing, only pursing her lips in disapproval. Oh how Eddie had loved Aunt Susie then, like there was no one else cooler than her and he told her exactly that on the phone less than 10 minutes after that. His mum telling him that he was only allowed to listen to the CD with his headphone didn’t take away the pleasant buzzing feeling that followed his for days afterwards. He really did love her then, and still does now.

 

*****

 

He knows that it’s kind of a douche move to call someone so early in the morning. But if he doesn’t do it now, then he’ll never get this tiny bit of courage for the second time. Then, the longer he prolongs this dilemma, the longer it’ll stand to disrupt his life. An example is him not actually caring to check on his GPA for the last semester because of how distracted he had been. This is unusual because of the scholarship he needs to maintain if he wants to continue his studies – _all 2 years left of it_ -. It’s in his highest interest to care because without the money from the scholarship, he’ll have to kiss NYU goodbye.

Eddie couldn’t bear to lie to himself anymore. He really needs to talk to Aunt Susie, to hear her side. It’s the only way to be fair to her in regards to the situation. Hopefully she doesn’t know. Hopefully she finds it in her to lie when she does.

He waits for the line to be picked up, shivering in the cold room.

Aunt Susie answers just seconds after that, always a night owl. “Eddie, what’s wrong sweetheart?” She asks, automatically assuming that something is wrong because it’s not his habit to call her this late, and especially seemingly out of nowhere.

Eddie tightens his fingers on the phone, fighting off the scowl wanting to form on his face. Hearing her voice makes him angry and also guilty because of the said displeasure.

He counts to five. “I met my dad yesterday.” He shoots.

She goes silence at the other side of the line.

He hates it, the silence, because it tells him everything that he wishes to not know. He couldn’t help the burst of tears that hit him out of nowhere, his whole body convulsing from the effort of holding it in.

“You know he’s alive don’t you?” Eddie cries.

“Eddie, how did you…” She trails off, perhaps unable to admit the truth behind his words.

“Ma left me a letter.” He tells her, flicking his gaze upwards at the ceiling to stop tears from falling out his eyes, breathing through his trembling lips.

“I’m so sorry Eddie.” She says.

He needs her to tell him more, anything, but just from the way she says it, knows there isn’t any to tell.

“You knew for 22 years. You helped her lie to me.” Eddie accuses, disappointment slipping through his voice, so bitter that he almost don’t recognize that person who’s talking to Aunt Susie. The energy he feels is one that is an accumulation of every single thing he feels at everyone involved in the secret.

“Eddie, you have to understand, my hands were tied. I knew it was wrong but sweetheart, Sonia was your mother, I can’t go against her on this. “

Eddie swears she is crying too while at the same time there’s another voice in the background, talking but he couldn’t hear what is being said as her sobs trumps even his own.

“I wanted to tell you right away after the funeral. But I just don’t know how to. Please understand my position Eddie. I love you so much sweetheart, I just didn’t want you to get hurt.” She adds.

Eddie presses his forehead on top of his raised knees, fighting the urge to shout at her. He’s scared of the violent rage burning in his chest, at these people always asking him to understand.

“Are you gonna continue hiding it from me? Or are you gonna leave me a letter once you’re gone? It comes out petty. Eddie know he has shoot the arrow straight to where it hurts as she just stops crying.

“Eddie.” She splutters.

“You knew and you lied.” He spits it out harshly, forgetting that he’s being downright rude and disrespectful toward his aunt. Years of reverence thrown out of the window due to her participation in the web of lies forced down her throat by his mum.

Eddie has a sense of this. Aunt Susie not having a say in anything his mum chose to enforce on her but at the same time he doesn’t care, continuing to feed his rage over the injustice.

“I didn’t mean to lie to you Eddie. The thing with your dad has gotten so out of hand that I don’t even know what to do with it anymore. I mean Sonia was gone and I just thought that I should respect her decision.

“What about me?” He whispers, just loud enough for her to hear.

Then, just after he utters that, the exhaustion finally claims not only his body, but his spirit. It dawns to him that he’s so over it, so done with them all. He’s not having this conversation any longer since there’s nothing much she could say that would tell a different story.

From now onwards, he’s making the choice in his life.

He decides to start now.

“Don’t try to contact me. I don’t want to hear from you anymore.” He says the words he never thought he would.

“Eddie don’t do this.” Aunt Susie begs with obvious panic audible behind her voice.

“Goodbye Aunt Susie.” He cuts the phone call, not giving her any chance to speak. He puts down his phone next to him and lies down. He crosses his arm across his forehead and tries to process what he just done.

He would not be able to erase what he just did.

He understands it now; it’s so much easier to get angry at the person you love the most as compared to those who don’t matter. And this is why this hurts more than yesterday, so much more that a painful sob leaves his throat and echoes throughout the room.

 

*****

 

4 days are gone ever since Eddie left for Ohio. Thursday turns out to be another boring day for Richie. The improv classes he’d taken since about the start of semester break ended last week. Staying at home and doing nothing proves to be challenging to the Trashmouth who finds himself missing his boyfriend dearly and also regretting not going back home to his parents for a visit while he’s gone.

There are only so many tv shows and movies in Netflix that he could watch until eventually he resorts to pestering Ben and Beverly through the phone to come for an overnight stay at Brooklyn. He even offers the couple one free dinner if they do. Beverly of course scoffed at his invitation, said that he only needs them now that Eddie isn’t around. Ben, on the other hand, sounds tempted because he thinks the buildings are interested to look at – _architects, Richie don’t understand them._ -  However, seeing that Ben would only go if Beverly wants to go, then he has to be content with another rerun of Modern Family he had seen about 5 times before.

Richie tries to message Eddie as much as he could but so far hasn’t received any replies of any sort. He understands that his boyfriend might be preoccupied with the activities he had planned with his aunt up to the point of not being able to pick up his calls as frequently as he usually could. Eddie and Aunt Susie have always been close and since the trip to Ohio is the first for the year, he guesses that he might want to make the most out of the time he’s there.

The last conversation he had with Eddie was on Tuesday. He sounded really tired after returning from a trip to the National Park with her. Richie is glad that at least he’s having some degree of fun because the couple of months before were rough on him. He can tell how much of a toll it had taken on his boyfriend, from the weight loss to the way he never seems to be able to shut off his brain. He sees it all. Just thinking about it now physically hurts him. He would do anything to take some, if not all of Eddie’s pain away but those things are out of his control. If a trip to Ohio is going to make him feel better then Richie would give Eddie as much space as he needs.

Richie gets another message from Beverly saying that she’ll think about it and if they do come to Brooklyn, he owes them a dinner at Chilli’s, which means a whole journey to Queens. Beggars can’t be choosers so he types a reply to her, “Your wish is my command ma lady.”

He switches his attention to the tv screen, staring without interest at the scene where Cameron paraded baby Lily with the Lion King music. It makes him smile a bit, it’s still one of his favorite moments in the show but he’s getting increasingly bored. Then his stomach rumbles, signaling the time for lunch, or more appropriately an early dinner as he has been too lazy to go out and get some take-outs. He supposed he could call for food to be delivered but again, this has been his routine since Monday and he’s honestly so sick of Chinese food and pizza. He kinda wants soup and not necessarily homemade.

He makes up his mind to forget about his laziness for a minute and decides to go to the supermarket. Now that he dwells on the hunger, he kinda wants some junk food too; chips, candy, diet Coke - _lots of them_ – and Korean Ramen – _yum yum_!- When Eddie’s not around, his appetite just goes haywire because his boyfriend wouldn’t be able to stop him from making poor decisions. He turns into a teenager with free access to his mum’s debit card and just goes crazy. He only gets some semblance to a healthy meal if Eddie’s there to make sure that they have some fruits and vegetables in their home.

As he crosses the hallway to the door, a loving smile creeps on his face as he thinks of him much emphasis Eddie always puts in making sure that they have a balanced diet. Even when most of the people he knows around their age don’t even know what ‘fiber’ really means. But that’s just how Eddie is, caring and – _lord has mercy if his boyfriend knows that he thinks of him this way_ \- fatherly. Richie would bet all his fingers on Eddie being a great father someday. Hopefully when the time comes, he would be around to witness it.

Richie stuffs his keys in the pocket of his jacket and then stops in his track. A blush warms up his face. Wait, did he really just think of a future with Eddie and a kid? Hold up, is it a bit too early to be thinking this far ahead? But then again, they have been together for 6 years and his mum did tell him a long time ago about an engagement ring that she reserved for him. But he was only 18 when she told him that and just brushed it off. But now he’s thinking that maybe he should call her?

Nah, it’s too early. But someday, he’ll ask. One day, it’ll happen and with that in mind, the possible future produces a strange sense of giddiness and excitement over something that hasn’t even happened yet.

He sits down to put on his socks, managing his right foot when his phone rings. He picks it up to see Aunt Susie’s name on the screen. He presses the answer button and balances the phone between his jaw and shoulder as he struggles to put on the socks on the other foot.

“Hello Richie.” Aunt Susie speaks her voice somber.

“Hi, how are you?” He asks politely.

“I’m good.” He wonders why she sounds so distant when she’s always been cheerful and lively when talking to him on the phone. He wants to ask about Eddie but sense she’s about to talk again.

“Richie, you must know by now. Please, may I speak with Eddie?” she asks.

He presses the phone closer to his ear, confused and unsure whether he has heard her correctly. “About what exactly? And why don’t you just speak with him directly?”

“He’s not picking up my call.” She says, sighing.

Dread fills up his stomach the instant the word come out of her mouth. “What do you mean? He’s been in Ohio since Monday…” he trails off, wondering about the strangeness of the situation and then snorts. “Oh, this is a prank isn’t it? Well tell Eddie, he’s really funny. Yup, he got me.” He says, rolling his eyes even though no one is there to see his reaction.

However, Aunt Susie doesn’t return his jovial sentiment, “Richie, Eddie’s not here. He never has.”

The dreadful feeling comes back and panic joins him afterwards as he realized that it’s not some prank. “What do you mean? He told me he would be visiting you on Monday. He told me.” He isn’t sure whether he’s speaking or is actually shouting at her. But he can’t help it, the fact that Eddie had lied to him and the strange way he’s been behaving only correlating to some bad imagination.

“Richie, where’s Eddie? Aunt Susie asks, stressing him more.

“I don’t know. He’s been gone ever since Monday. He told me he’s going to Ohio.” He repeats the last sentence, as if he doesn’t believe her. Tears are streaming down his face, sure that he’s actually sobbing at this point. Everything charges at him simultaneously, an avalanche of worry and fear, culminating into a sense of helplessness as it dawns to him the actual implication that lies behind Eddie not replying any of his messages or picking up his phone ever since Tuesday.

“Oh dear, please, please go ask around. Call your friends. Please Richie. We got into an argument last night on the phone and I haven’t been able to reach him since.” Her voice now mimics that of Richie, scared and panicky.

“I will.” He manages to say before ending the call.

Immediately, he dials Eddie’s number. But all he gets is an automated voice telling him that his number is unavailable at the moment.

“Baby, pick up, please.” He says as he tries one more time. The voice is the one to answer and he gets the same information.

An idea comes to him and Richie quickly goes into his social media account, first his Instagram. Eddie account shows that the last post he made was back in June. He then switches to Facebook, scrolls through his friend’s list. The category ‘e’ is coming to an end and perhaps he must have missed his boyfriend’s name. It has been a long time since he logged into the account but he’s pretty sure Eddie’s user name is simply Eddie Kaspbrak. He Re-scrolls from the beginning but still couldn’t find it. He types Eddie only to come up with zero result.

 It hits him then, Eddie has deleted his Facebook account.

No, no, no. “Eddie where are you?” He falls to the floor.

 

*****

 

The first person he called was Beverly who said faster before he could end his sentence that she and Ben would be taking the train to Brooklyn from New Jersey as soon as they can. It must have been due to him not being able to form a single coherent sentence on the phone, only sobbing his way through it as he tried to convey to her that he couldn’t reach Eddie.

Richie was beside himself as he then called the rest of the Losers to ask whether they have seen Eddie even though he doubted that they have. All of them confirmed his doubts and also added they haven’t been in contact at all with his boyfriend recently. They all ended the call with a promise to ask around.

Fear clings onto him as the hours passed and Eddie remains uncontactable. He even called his parents, crying on the phone, pretty much freaking them out, but the concern he has for his boyfriend’s wellbeing was uncontainable, bursting to come out of his skin. His parents returned his concern and told him to go to the cops if he still couldn’t get a hold of Eddie tomorrow.

Hearing the word ‘cops’ send a shudder to his whole body because it means he have to do a missing person report. He doesn’t want to use that word, not wanting to shine a light on that possibility yet because it’s too scary for him to accept. Eddie couldn’t be missing, he just couldn’t.

He goes to open the door once Ben and Beverly finally arrive. The automated voice repeats the same thing as before through the speaker as he walks. He wants to curse out of frustration but when he sees his friends, wrecked with worry as much as he is, it disappears. He loses any sense of control as he pulls them into a hug, seeking comfort.

“Beverly, where’s Eddie?” He weeps, as if she knows and is helping to hide his boyfriend.

“I don’t know Richie. I’m sorry but I really don’t.” She consoles, rubbing his back soothingly.

Ben leads the two of them inside, offers to make some tea and heads to the kitchen. Richie follows Beverly to the living room with her hand across his back. They sit the couch, Beverly hooking up her arm around his and positioning his head on her shoulder.

“When was the last time you spoke with him? Beverly asks.

“Tuesday.” Richie has been telling everyone the same thing over and over again, like it would make any difference.

“How did he sound like?”

“Normal.”

“That’s a good sign right? Maybe his phone is just dead and he couldn’t charge it.” She tries to assure him.

It’s one of the possibilities in the situation. However, Richie is just not buying it. Because it’s Eddie. He always travels with an extra charger, just in case one doesn’t work and he doesn’t lie to Richie, especially about going to Ohio but not actually going there. This just doesn’t sounds like him at all. He’s not impulsive the way Richie is, in fact, always too careful with his decision. And he always tells Richie everything.

Except that haven’t been true lately and that makes the situation so much worse. He knows Eddie is keeping some sort of secret from him but had let it slide. Maybe he should have tried harder. Now he can’t get to Eddie.

“What if he’s in danger?” the fear causes him to say that out loud.

Beverly gets tense next to him. “Richie, don’t say that.” She says, borderline scowling him. But try as she might, there some sort of hesitation simmering the faith that she’s trying to enforce. As if the possibility just occurs to her.

Then she shifts her gaze towards Ben who comes with a tray of hot teas. He smiles hesitantly at the two of them and then sits on the floor, facing the two of them.

“Then, we wait until tomorrow. If nothing comes up, we go to the cops.” He chips in, exactly like what his parents had told him to do.

 Finally, it brings a sense of realism to the whole situation. Suddenly, Eddie feels so far away for him, so out of reach. The world is a vast place and he is somewhere out there where he couldn’t find. It comes thundering down to him as soon as he thinks on it; if fate decides to be unkind, then Tuesday could be the last time he heard Eddie’s voice.

It hurts him so deeply, the possibility that he would never be able to see his boyfriend again.

“Eddie.” He utters, voice breaking and he pushes his face over Beverly’s shoulder and starts crying.

 

*****

 

They waited and waited for good news to come around, Richie never once letting go of his phone while Bev continuously monitored Eddie’s Instagram page, just in case he posts anything. It was around dawn that his mum called him, when everything was just at the edge of hopelessness and he was ready to go to the cops. It released all the tension from Richie; the stress and worries he had accumulated since last night, forbidding him from even sitting still the whole time he spends worrying, hoping for something or someone to tell him that Eddie is safe. When he told the news to Beverly and Ben were curled up with each other on the sofa, drifting in and out of a restless sleep, they had hugged each other in relief. And then they hugged Richie maybe because he looked like he really needed it.

He is now exiting Maine’s airport, getting into a taxi to Derry. His mum has bought him a ticket right after Mike dropped Eddie off at the house. There’s something about her voice when she told him to go home immediately that tells him that something isn’t right or more accurately, Eddie isn’t right.

A lot of questions is forming in his head, like how did Eddie ended up to Derry instead of Ohio and why didn’t he tell him? He isn’t close to figuring out and he tries to push it at the back of his mind. At least Eddie is safe and he gets to see him. At least Tuesday wasn’t the last time he talked to Eddie and for now that’s all that matters.

 

*****

 

It’s a blur, everything around him seeming more like a dream than reality. Eddie can’t recall much on how he ended up in the Tozier’s house. The only clear memories from the early morning was him trying to sleep off the cold in the old house and Mike showing at the front door around dawn, asking him what he was doing there and then taking off his jacket to put it on him. Next thing he knew was waking up in Richie’s parents’ home, in his bed. Once he found his bearings and managed a look at the small clock next to him on the bedside table, he realized that he has missed the flight back to New York.

Maggie has come to the room a few times, asking him to go down for lunch or if he needed anything. He told her that he was still tired and would like to continue resting. The truth is he’s just embarrassed about having yet again causing a hassle to them and to Mike as well.

It was certainly with good intention that Maggie then told him that Richie was on his way from New York. Upon hearing that, his heart felt like it has stopped and he couldn’t say anything to her other than a dumb nod that sends her away.

The only thing he could focus on was the fact that Richie knows he was lying about the Ohio trip. Then what come after, is how he’s going to explain it to his boyfriend on how he ended up here instead. It stressed him so much that he had to go to the bathroom to wash his face to stop from hyperventilating. His mind was in overdrive while waiting for Richie to arrive. So much that he was knocked out from the exhaustion resulting from days of no proper sleep and genuine fear of having to face his boyfriend.

He wakes up just in time to hear an addition to the voices downstairs. It’s definitely Richie, there’s no mistaken that it’s his voice, he hears it almost every day. Instantly, he gets nervous, so he turns his back to the door, trying to arrange his mind properly and hopes that his face doesn’t show anything out of the ordinary.

There’s a knock on the door, follow by the sound of it opening. The air in the room shifts, somehow suffocating and almost disappearing from Richie’s presence. Or maybe it’s just his guilt fighting to make a show.

“Eddie.” Richie calls out softly.

Suddenly, he forgets know how to act. He puts his focus on the floor below, waiting for Richie to approach him.

“Hey.” Richie is finally standing in front of him, kneeling down so that he could see his face. He forces his face upwards and what he sees is heartbreaking; Richie’s sad gaze and the way his lips tremble from forcing a smile. He wants to greet him back but Richie is already coming at him, nestling his face at the crook of his neck. And then he is sobbing while clutching the back of his shirt tightly.

Eddie doesn’t understand why he’s acting that way. And he’s not going to start asking now, afraid to set him up into a trap where he needs to answer some questions he would rather not hear.

“Where have you been?” Richie asks.

He feels like a deer in the headlights and instantly freezes against Richie. “I was in Ohio. With Aunt Susie.” He answers, nonchalant, even though heat is rising all the way up from his face to his ears.

Richie shakes his head in frustration, pushes away from him and slumps on the floor. Eddie stays put, unable to react to seeing his boyfriend this way.

“Why are you lying to me?” Richie swallows hard, looking up at him in disappointment.

It’s at the top of his lists of the things he’s most scared of. He searches for anywhere else to look but at his boyfriend. “What do you mean Rich?” he stutters.

“Aunt Susie called me. You haven’t been to Ohio. You lied to me Eddie. Why?” Richie asks, scrunching uo his face, maybe holding back his tears.

It this how Aunt Susie had felt when he asked her the same thing yesterday? Did it hurt as much? Eddie wonders while scrambling to answer him. He then braves a look at his boyfriend, evidently tired but yet hopeful, as if still believing the good in him. It’s not often that he sees Richie this emotional and it’s crushing to see him reduced to something like this. He deserves the truth, not all of them but some of it.

“That’s right.” Eddie confirms, looking down at his lap in shame.

Richie gets up from the floor to sit next to him on the bed. He then takes both of his hands into his. “Have you been here the whole time?”

“I went to Arizona.” Eddie confesses.

“I don’t understand. What were you doing there? Richie asks, obviously confused.

Eddie pulls out his hands from his grasps and stands up. “Um, well, while waiting for the bus, I just thought that I’ve never been to Arizona before and I don’t know, bought the ticket and just went there.” It is lame, the way he tries to play it off as an impulsive decision he just happened to make.

“And you didn’t think of telling me that?” Richie says sternly, unable to hide his frustration towards him

Just the way he says it sends daggers on Eddie’s back. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to worry.”

Richie breathes out heavily behind him. “No, I don’t believe you. Eddie, stop lying to me. Please, just stop. Tell me what is going on?” He pushes on, standing up as well and forces his boyfriend to look at him. “Tell me.” Eddie notices the tears on his cheeks.

“No-nothing Richie. Everything’s good.” Eddie tries to convince him. Tears pull at the bottom of his eyes when Richie once again shakes his head in disbelief.

“Eddie, I’m begging you. Stop lying to me.” Richie says tiredly. He let goes of his shoulder and again sits down on the bed, hands covering his face.

It kills Eddie to see Richie’s disappointment at him. He never wants him to feel this way. He can deal with anyone else but not him. He pulls the edge of his t-shirt, this time wanting nothing more for Richie to look at him. “Please-trust me Richie, I really,” he stops to catch his breath, “want to-to go there.” His words cutting off, as the haunting foreboding of a panic attack materializes.

Richie catches on, getting into action by pulling Eddie up on the bed to rub his back, his own grief forgotten. “Eddie, breathe.” He instructs him.

Eddie shakes his head stubbornly, holding onto his arms. “No, I need-you-to understand. I just-want to go-there. I didn’t- didn’t meant to lie.” He struggles to form his sentence, each pause followed by a sob. He fights the desire to let his mind succumb.

“I understand baby. I do.” Richie brushes his thumbs under his eyes, wiping the wetness away. He pulls Eddie against him but doesn’t close his arms around him, only wanting closeness between them.

“I didn’t want-to lie to you. Please-please trust me.” Eddie mumbles, his breathing more labored than the last.

“Eddie, listen to me, ok baby. I’m here for you. Breathe.” Richie says while continuing rubbing his back.

“Please.” Eddie cries, his fingers finding purchase on Richie’s shirt, gripping it as if it could help him from slipping into another episode.

“I trust you.” Richie assures him, stroking his hair lovingly. “Now, work with me ok. Breathe in.” Richie guides him, inhaling deeply for four seconds. “Breathe out”

Eddie tries his best to follow the countdown of the breathing exercise. His whole body is slumped heavily against his boyfriend’s, closing his eyes to concentrate, just taking in the way his fingers weaving through his hair. He begs silently for his mind not to betray him. He has caused too much problem to the people around him.

_“No more.”_ He thinks, while listening to Richie’s gentle voice repeating the breathing exercise. Time always stops when it’s just the two of them. How he wishes for it to be this way forever.

 

*****

 

Once Eddie’s breathing normalized, they’re lying side by side on the bed. They face each other, Richie stroking his arms while Eddie stuffs both of his hand under the pillow. The only noise in the house is the clinking of utensils in the kitchen downstairs as Wentworth prepares his signature meatball pasta, something Maggie messaged Richie not long ago.

Richie’s stomach growls loudly and they both laugh, the tension from earlier ebbing. Richie then leans closer to kiss him on the forehead. He settles back into place, a smile never leaving his face as Eddie watches.

“By the way, I finished season 11 of the The Big Bang Theory while you were gone.” He then admits.

Eddie gasps weakly, pretends to be upset. “I thought you said we’re gonna watch it together.” He places a pillow over his face.

Richie chuckles lightly at that. Eddie feels the heat as he looms over him.

“I can watch it again. I swear not to give out any spoilers.” Richie says, removing the pillow.

“Liar.” Eddie tells him, smiling before remembering. The words leaving his mouth with a bad taste considering his current situation.

He thinks Richie realizes it too. “I promise.” He plays it cool though, giving a way for Eddie from the awkwardness.

“Yeah?” Eddie says, cupping his face.

Richie nods but then looks at him hesitantly, mouth in a tight line.

“What?” Eddie asks in suspense.

He looks as if debating something and Eddie grows nervous. “KathyBatesisAmy’smum.” He then blurts out quickly.

It takes a while for Eddie to catch on. Once he does, he laugh and the shoves his shoulder lightly. “Richie!” He whines, crossing his arm across his chest.

“Sorry babe. I was just so excited about that. I can’t wait for you to know.” He consoles, knowing how much a fan Eddie is of the actress. Who can blame him? Annie Wilkes was a legend. He leans down and pecks at his lips.

Eddie opens his eyes slowly. Despite the joke, there’s a trace of sadness in Richie’s eyes. He sits up, causing Richie to do the same. Once fully seated, Richie holds out his arm. Eddie understands and lets Richie cradles him, slinging one arm over his shoulder while the other around his waist. Richie’s mouth is pressed over his forehead, but Eddie senses that it is him who needs comforting at the moment.

“Next time, you tell me where you’re going. Don’t hide things for me just because you don’t want me to worry. I can’t stand not knowing where you are, whether you’re fine or hurt.” Richie says.

Eddie listens to him, knowing that nothing he says would change what had happened.

“I love you so much baby. Please don’t do this anymore.” His says softly.

“I love you too. I promise it won’t happen again.” He says. Although it feels too early to utter such thing, but for Richie, he’ll try to do better. Because for Richie, it’s worth trying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I try to get this out sooner but then got caught up with family things and then i got sick -.-  
> Anyway, hope you like this. Cheers ^.^


	8. Repeat

The day starts off normally, a typical weekday when the semester has begun. Eddie stirs awake from the sound of the bathroom door closing. He opens his eyes slowly to adjust to the dull orange light that assaults the somber bedroom, only the small nightlight tethered to the power socket at the corner as the source of light. The heat from the water heater carries into the room, bringing with it the smell of Richie’s shower gel.

“Good morning.” Richie greets him while flicking on the main light switch. “Wakey wakey, you have about 15 minutes to get ready. I overslept too.” He explains, sauntering across the room to turn off the night light. Then, he pulls a boxer from the dresser directly in front of the bed, leaving his body bare in full display of a still dazed Eddie.

“I’m skipping.” Eddies slurs, as if he’s hungover.

“You’re not going to class again?” Richie asks and comes closer to the bed.

When he sits next to Eddie’s lying form, he’s already full dressed. Eddie wonders whether he might have dozed off in between, but Richie has always been a quick dresser, it’s one of his many talents, among other things; such as being concerned for Eddie.

He’s doing that now, caressing his boyfriend hair with such tenderness that feels a bit too much for Eddie, especially this early in the day.

“No.” Eddie confirms, his voice coming out low, while at the same time consciously trying to avoid eye contact with Richie. The evidence of embarrassment creeps up on his burning cheeks. Inadequacy and unworthiness invade his mind.

It’s only Monday and he’s already losing yet another fight.

“What’s that?” Richie asks, unable to hear him the first time.

"No.” Eddie repeats, voice rising slightly. “Don’t feel too well.” He elaborates as an obvious wave of curiosity flickers over Richie’s face. He might not say it out loud but there’s no questioning it for Eddie.

The same honest concern returns and immediately Richie presses the back of his palm over Eddie’s forehead. “Let’s go see the doctor then.” He proposes, even though Eddie suspects his forehead feels normal.

Eddie offers a smile instead of an agreement, and then takes hold Richie’s hand, the one that’s on his forehead. He places it on his right cheek and rubs it against his skin. “Don’t feel like it. I’ll just take an aspirin and rest for the day,” Eddie says. He tries to portray a confident smile at Richie, who only looks at him unsurely.

“Besides,” Eddie pauses then pushes up the sleeve of Richie’s sweater to read the time displayed on the leather watch – _a present from Eddie for his 21 st birthday_ – “you should leave soon or you’re gonna be late,” he continues.

“You sure?” Richie asks, gazing deeply at his boyfriend, not knowing that he couldn’t bear to look at him, but trying, out of borrowed strength.

Richie’s question is met with yet another smile and also a confirming nod. Eddie closes his eyes as his thumb brushes gently over the skin under his eyes. Allowing in that moment to bask in the comfort of the action while already being sad over the inevitability of the warmth ending, but also already craving for the impending solitary.

What comes next is the press of Richie’s lips on his forehead; somehow expected. It’s some sort of a routine between them but although familiar with it, Eddie still feels as if he couldn’t get enough. It never fails to leave the same trace of heat on his skin and the emptiness indented as Richie’s lips moves away.

“Call me if you need anything alright.” Richie says, leaning down to kiss him.

Their faces are only centimeters apart. Eddie could smell his minty fresh breath. He could almost imagine what kissing him would be like, the sensation it’ll bring. However he turns his face away, bringing the comforter up to cover the bottom half of his face until only the bridge of the nose and the eyes are visible. “No, you’ll get sick too.” He says, half meaning it while the other half self-conscious over the probability of morning breaths.

Richie chuckles; amused rather than annoyed at the rejected kiss, settling on his left temple instead. “At least I have an excuse to stay in bed with you.” He teases.

Eddie gives him a look that makes him put his hands up in surrender.

“Alright, alright. I’ll leave now.” He turns away, almost sulking but then turns around with a mischievous smirk and a plan of attack.

Eddie couldn’t come out with a question fast enough before Richie lunges carefully at him, pulls the cover down and start kissing him all over the face. Eddie lets out a gasp, automatically covering his open mouth. He lets Richie have his way, joyfully leaving a trail of kisses in retaliation to him not letting his lips get anywhere close to the mouth. Richie’s lips end up under his jaw and he starts pecking lightly, - _one kiss earning one exaggerated kissing_ _noises_ \- puff of breaths sending shivers on Eddie’s whole body. It may seem childish in its nature but to Eddie it’s innocent. And pure, just like Richie.

“Richie, stop it.” Eddie complains, although appreciating it all the same.

Richie follows his wishes, but not without stealing one last forbidden kiss on the lips. Then he stands up, triumphant.

“You’re so weird,” Eddie says.

_“No you’re not. You’re lovely.”_ Eddie thinks as he watches him put on the glasses.

“And so handsome too. No wonder you can’t get enough of this.” He flexes the non-existent muscles on his arms.

Eddie just rolls his eyes, like he usually does when Richie says something ridiculous to tease him. For a brief seconds, it feels normal. Like any other day before, well, he’d rather not think about it.

“Well, see you soon babe. I love you.” Richie says while rubbing the top of his head affectionately; his voice gentle, the teasing already forgotten.

“Love you too.” Eddie echoes, watching Richie then walks to the door.

He waits. Until the jingle of keys and Richie’s footsteps disappear after the soft bang of the front door. He moves from the bed to the window, dragging along the comforter and wraps it around his back. It’s like a cave protecting him from the cold November temperature. Most importantly, it protects him from the outside, or more aptly, the reality he doesn’t feel like facing since waking up. He sits on the floor with knees raised to the chest and socked feet crossed at the ankles. Then it’s almost as if Richie brings out all the warmth in his system after leaving, and it’s just him and the alone time he has craved so desperately just a few minutes before.

Is it worth it to skip  another class just for a peace of mind that would never come?

A deep and tired sigh materializes from his mouth. “ _What am I doing_?” he wonders.

There was a time where the thought of skipping classes would never even cross his mind, even too controversial to attempt. But since when did the sense of responsibility disappeared? He has no answer to it. All he knows that he does it regularly since the start of the semester. The scariest part is he does it without remorse too, as if he just doesn’t care anymore about the consequences it’ll bring.

How many times have it been? 3, 4, or maybe more because he has lost count a long time ago.

His study used to be one of the main priorities in his life. However, just thinking about going to the university and facing the world feels like such a drag, a misery he isn’t able to bring himself to face, at least not today. Tomorrow is a different story. He is sure there’s no amount of pep talk that would motivates him to attend his classes and not enough energy in the world to supplement him. Not today, or the days before. In fact, the more he ponders about it, the more he comes with a conclusion that it’ll probably happen again in the future. And there’s nothing he could do to stop this helplessness that lives inside of him.

Besides, there’s always Ella for the notes. God knows she never misses any of the lectures. He used to be like that – _and that’s why they are friends in the first place_ – but now he’s only a living disappointment.

He tries to pull out from this mindset. He really does want to return to the optimistic person he used to be. The person who used to be excited to wake up the next day just to have breakfast with Richie at or even being excited while waiting in long lines for book releases from a favorite author. Hell, he even misses the euphoria of pressing the send button to email his finished assignments even though, the days before that would be spent stressing over deadlines. He misses them; that butterflies in the stomach when he just couldn’t wait for what’s coming next or the giddiness over having something to look forward too.

Now, all he has is this endless fear that he’s just wasting time while simultaneously not having the willingness to change, to snap out of it.

Now, all he thinks about is regret.

Regret that haunts his every waking hours, even seeping in his dreams, a place he thought he could escape in, but he couldn’t. And the subjects of his regrets are always the same, a never ending tale about his family; how he wishes he had never read the letter in the first place. Because it he hadn’t, then it would still be possible to stay in the clouds where his dad loved him and he would always have Aunt Susie.

Perhaps, the fallout with Aunt Susie is amendable, judging from the countless texts and missed calls from her. Eddie couldn’t deny that he misses her, so much. And he’s aware Richie knows it too despite Eddie not giving him any reasons behind the fight they had. But Eddie is stubborn and most importantly he’s tired. He knows it’s not her fault but the trust he had that was broken feels irreparable or he’s just much too egotistical without realizing it. He does feel bad about ignoring her attempts to communicate with him and as much as Richie tries to be discreet about it, he knows she is trying to reach out to him through his boyfriend as well.

But for now, it’s not going to work. And it’s not even coming from a place of hate, it’s just he’s not in the state of mind to talk to anyone at all, not even his friends. He couldn’t tell the last time he had joined in their group texts, let alone have a proper conversation with any one of them. It’s not on purpose; it’s just that he’s trying to stay off his phone.

It’s because of the temptation that lies within; the lure to check up on Frank’s Facebook page, a difficult habit to kick off that would draw him in with a promise but to just spit him out with heartbreak. But he did it a couple of times before despite his vow to forget, making a new account with a profile picture of a cat only after two weeks visiting Arizona. The first time he checked on Frank’s account, he cried to himself over the fact that nothing changed. The next time he did it, he just keeps on descending into a dark place but refusing to let go ever since.

It’s stupid and it’s holding him back in so many ways.

But he can’t stop from clicking on app and he can’t stop missing his aunt.

And worst off all, he has no one to talk to.

Not even Richie.

Tears travel down his eyes at the truth residing in the last thought. There’s no turning back now isn’t it? Even if he wants to, how would he makes his actions and words disappear? It’s already too deep from the surface that retelling the story would only bring disappointment over why he didn’t start earlier. He wouldn’t want Richie to know he’s been lying through his teeth the whole time. He couldn’t bear to see that.

Eddie wipes his eyes with the comforter. With a heavy heart, he stands up and pushes the curtain close, blocking any hint of the early sunlight trying to peek into the room. It’s only meant for the happy people, not people like him, who would only waste such magnificence. He drags the comforter to the bed, ready to shut off from the world.

For the time being, this is his only refuge.

And the bottle of sleeping pills he managed to get a prescription to last month.

He retrieves the orange bottle hidden under the mattress and pops a pill, dry swallowing it. He doesn’t take it all the time, only when he feels like escaping into nothingness. This is today; because he’s tempted to check his phone again and think too much.

Then he counts, for the pill to take effect, with an empty stare at his fingers, waiting for when they would become blurry.

Today is only at the verge of beginning, but as always, the ghosts manage a way to catch up to him.

 

*********

 

Eddie makes sure that he’s taken a shower before Richie comes back to the apartment, to hide the fact that he had spent the entire day in bed. By the time 7am rolls around, he then changes into his winter attire, once agreeing to Richie’s plea to go out for dinner, half-heartedly,  because his mind is already set into going back to sleep. It’s the side effect of the pills, making him groggy like a drugged out zombie instead of being well rested.

It’s like sleep would never be enough and there’s always going to be another lookout for something more.

Richie is charged with enthusiasm, especially about an upcoming directing project next month. Eddie could only listen and tries to be as excited. Besides, it’s really nice to see his boyfriend like this, passionate and so full of life – _young and hopeful_. - And just seeing him talk, it’s like he is seeing someone else; with direction and sparks in the eyes.

He wants to be like that too.

But as of now, he’s just too tired.

They walk back to the apartment with bellies full. Well, Richie more than Eddie as he couldn’t even finished the plate of pasta that ended up as Richie’s responsibility to finish. And as much as he complained, he had gladly cleaned it up along with their desserts – _Eddie didn’t touch them at all_. -  When Richie asked why, he had crafted a story about an imaginary afternoon tea.

Richie bought into the lie.

The night is cold but their hands are linked, making it bearable, at least for the journey back. Richie talks while Eddie listens, discreetly stealing glances at his boyfriend. He doesn’t know why but lately, he gets this lump of sadness stuck in the chest every time he looks at him. Maybe it’s cus he’s just not in the right state of mind. Or maybe, it’s plain and simple, awareness too awful to piece together so he shifts them somewhere distant, almost unreachable.  

But it dawns on him tonight and it drowns him in debt; Richie is pulling out all the weight in their relationship. He does nothing. He only takes without offering any returns. It’s not fair how he’s just a fraud.

He steals a glance once more, Richie is too absorbed with the story he’s telling to notice. Eddie wonders of only one thing;

_“How long will it take until you had enough of me?”_

 

*********

 

“Eddie, Eddie”

Eddie snaps out of his reverie from the voice calling out to him. His now alert brain takes him back to a classroom full of eyes staring at him. It’s another painful second before he remembers that he’s in the middle of an Organic Chemistry lecture. Ella has her hand on his right shoulder, in the midst of returning him to concentration.

Then a sound can be heard from the front of the room and like a deer in the headlights, Eddie turns away from Ella to address the professor who is understandably less than impressed with him. Eddie swallows nervously, forgetting to be embarrassed.

“ _What is his name again_?” Eddie doesn’t think he actually knows.

“Would Mr. Kaspbrak kindly share with the class the different types of bond-line structures.” the professor instructs.

In this instant, Eddie could feel the exact weight of almost 60 pairs of eyes. Heat rises up to his face and sweat trickles down his back. He has no idea how to answer him, obviously wasn’t paying any slight attention since the beginning of the lecture. Ella is trying to slide her notes not so subtly to him. However, he couldn’t make out any words on the page.

“Um, bond-line structures?” Eddie is thankful for the absence of nervous stutter although the urge to do so hangs just at the edge of the tongue.

 The professor is absolutely not impressed, or sympathetic. “Are you asking me or making sure that you’ve heard the question correctly?” he says sternly.

“Asking you?” Eddie’s voice is small, trying to hide how dumb he feels. It doesn’t help much that some of his classmates are laughing quietly in the background.

The professor of course does not find it to be humor-worthy. He is expelling a rather hostile energy towards Eddie by taking of his glasses and sighing disappointedly.

“ _Stop looking at me_.” Eddie begs in his heart, scared of breaking down in front of everyone.

“Is that supposed to be funny Mr. Kaspbrak?”

The miniscule laughter from his classmates dies down abruptly. It gets unnaturally quiet. Forget about pin drops, he could make a concert out of heartbeats.

Then just like that, Eddie remembers the name of the professor, Simon Clarke, one of those professors whose name bears a reputation, not necessarily bad but just indisputably scary. Eddie has heard tales about the professor even when he was only a freshman, and it was plenty; about students withdrawing after just one class or straight up pushed to the brink of hysterical over rejected final papers.

“No Sir.” Eddie says meekly, not daring to fully address him.

Professor Clarke takes a slip of paper from under the books on his desk and scour through the content, leaving him awkwardly standing in his seat. He tries to smile at a worried looking Ella who then takes the opportunity to slip her notes to him. He mouths ‘thank you’ but assumes it wouldn’t be important anymore.

Eddie stands in attention once the professor finishes the task. “Judging from your attendance Mr. Kaspbrak, perhaps if you had been more disciplined in attending my lectures, then you would’ve been able to list out such pathetically simple names,” he says with some kind of a sarcastic smile.

Eddie stays quiet, knowing that while his words sting a lot, the accuracy behind them is undeniable.

“And this just goes to show, to each and every one of you. Perhaps you’ve been told that you’re smart enough for NYU since high school, so you think you can skip classes and play around. But as I told you since the start of the semester, I expect very high standards from all of you.” He stops to let it sinks in. “What it means is that all assignments must be submitted within the deadline, no extension shall be given, regardless of the excuse. There shall be no dead relative stories in this class. It’s them who are dead, not you.” Nervous chuckles arise in the room but they know it’s serious.

“And the final one, I would only allow a total of 5 absences during the whole semester. And for you Mr. Kaspbrak, this would be your one and only warning. One more absence, then it’s an automatic forfeit of 20 points from you final paper submission.”

Someone mutters ‘fuck’ behind his back. Eddie blanches at the assurance of reprimand or more suitably, a life sentence.

“Now I reckon we should continue on the….” Eddie sits back slowly on the chair. Then, as if what just happens haven’t sinks in fully yet, he blanks out at the continuity of the lecture, even though it’s important to focus.

“Are you okay?” Ella whispers and touches his arms, squeezing it.

Eddie turns to see her looking not only with worry but pity as well. It buries him deeper into misery. Is he really this pathetic?

“I’m fine.” He nods to convey assurance.

Ella in turns squeezes his arm once more and smile sadly at him. Eddie hopes the smile that he returns looks brave on the surface.

“Mr. Kaspbrak, is there anything you would like to share with the class?”

Instantaneously, their attention swerves to the professor, in perfect sync.

“No Sir.” Ella answers on his behalf, voice shaking, this time becoming involved in the scrutiny.

 “Well then, would really appreciate if you could grace us with your full attention.” he retorts wryly, totally ignoring her.

“Sorry Sir.” Eddie quips before Ella says something that’ll get herself in trouble.

Professor Clarke takes a moment to contemplate further on the situation, searching for another reason for a sarcastic remark. Thankfully, he decides to turn to the whiteboard and start writing down the notes, perhaps losing interest.

“Asshole!” Ella says under her breath. She glares at the professor’s turned back with pure anger. While Eddie kinds of appreciate her getting worked up over this, more than he is actually, Professor Clarke does have a solid point.

 

*********

 

The late evening crowd at the café is a lot tamer that those during the morning consisting of the usual caffeine starved customers. Furthermore, for the café standard, the place is practically empty with only three customers present; a teenage couple huddled close at the love seat near the fire place and a middle aged man sitting by the window, typing morosely on his laptop.

Eddie has agreed to take the shift after receiving a call from a distressed June - the café owner/manager - over the absence of the two regular baristas who had to take emergency leaves. Usually, the start of the semester would only allow him the occasional weekend slots when they are understaffed. That was before, when he was a model student with motivation higher than the stars. But circumstances have change, sadly for the worse and he isn’t that person anymore. So he said yes, simultaneously cancelling a movie date with Richie. The latter was disappointed but as always let’s Eddie has his way and decided to bring a friend from class instead.

It isn’t shocking that he’s completely exhausted, being that he had went straight to the café right after his last class ended. However as tiring as it is, he would rather do this than stress about next week’s Organic Chemistry test. Probably he shouldn’t even bother since he’s already doomed ever since skipping class for the 6th time just a week ago.

Eddie can’t justify whether that stupid decision had been worth it. What had triggered it was waking up one morning and already wanting for the day to end. Also he was desperate to forget about the message from Aunt Susie he had woken up to the night before. It was a simple one, just her asking about his day, and that he is welcome to spend Christmas in Ohio next month. And like all the other messages and calls from her before, - _except that one call he answered to tell her not to come and see him in New York –_ it went unanswered. He had spent the rest of the night crying in the living room, mouth pressed against the cushion so that Richie wouldn’t hear.

Then just like that, the sadness stuck with him. It starts coming every time the slightest thought about his aunt hit his mind. Someday he was able to ignore it. Someday he wasn’t so lucky.

Today is one of those unlucky days where even the smallest thing reminds him of her; like the song playing on the speaker, one she likes to sing along to in the car after picking him up from the airport. Eddie tries to concentrate on cleaning the work area to avoid from sinking too deep into the happier memories.

“It’s cold. You absolute moron!”

Eddie jolts out of concentration by the sudden loud voice and the subsequent drink thrown at his turned back. The already quiet café dissolves into absolute silence while Eddie stands like a statute, in confusion over the situation. The perpetrator, the lone man by the window is glaring at him, all red faced and shoulders rising up and down in anger.

“Did you hear what I just said?” he shouts. It’s obvious that Eddie’s unintentional blank expression reads to him as unconcerned.

Eddie struggles to find a word to say. It’s like the man has swallows all the words in the world and he only notices the nervous glances of the two other customers, teenagers who are probably more scared that he is now. He looks around for Eric, the other barista on duty, but is nowhere in sight. He finds it hard to look at the man, so he opts for the counter instead.

He admits he deserves it. The man had wanted hot drinks. He couldn’t even get it right.

_Fucking useless._

“Are you deaf?” He shouts again.

Eddie stays quiet.

“What’s the matter with you?” It’s June, somehow sneaking behind the counter to stand next to him. Eddie is too mortified to lift his face up.

“Here’s the problem, lady.” The man says condescendingly. “When a customer pays for something, the return should be something of expectation. I had wanted a hot beverage not this lousy cold ass shit water. Which part of this concept you simple minded morons don’t understand?” His voice rising again.

Eddie feels awfully small.

“And here’s my problem Sir, you could’ve just ask him for a remake instead of making a nasty fool out of yourself. Like you’re goddamn Gordan Ramsay. You ain’t that.” June retorts, gold bangles clinking against each other on the wrist at every point of finger at the man, whose mouth hangs open in disbelief.

“Excuse me, I am a paying customer.” He spits out, and then bangs on the counter with his fist.

June is taking a step closer to the man. Although Eddie couldn’t be more thankful of her defense, he also doesn’t want a bad reputation on the café. “It’s alright June, I can make a new one.” He offers timidly.

June shakes her head defiantly. “You don’t have to do none of that boy.” She unlocks the cash register and takes out a 10 dollar bill.

“Take this. Don’t try to come back here. You’re not welcome.” She holds out the money in front of the man. He refuses to take it.

“I would like to speak with the owner,” He demands instead.

“I am the owner.” June declares proudly, with both hands around the hips.

It slowly grows on the man’s face, the realization that he’s not winning the battle. His face slackens and without another word, he straights up turn around and leaves. Eddie watches until his figure disappears from the large window and breaths out in relief.

“Thanks June.” He says and then immediately darting his eyes on the puddle of coffee on the counter. He grabs a handful of tissues to wipe it off.

“Eddie, it’s fine. Just leave it.” June grabs his arm to lead him to the locker area.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie blurts out. Who knows what the consequences would be? She’s just too kind, always has been.

“What are you sorry for? It’s not your fault.” She asks, puzzled.

“I should have listened better.” Eddie admits.

“Nah. It’s normal to make mistakes Eddie. Don’t take it too hard. People are mean like that sometimes.” She says.

Eddie looks at her smooth dark face and focusses on how the light reflects against her hazel eyes. He smiles back at her. In the back of his mind, a conviction plants its seed. He’s nothing but trouble to the people around him.

“Why don’t you clean up and take the rest of the shift off,” she instructs.

Eddie is secretly glad of the offer. “Are you sure June?”

“Very sure. I’ll call you if a shift is available soon. Grab anything you one from the kitchen and Eddie, thank you for coming in today.” She says before leaving for her office.

Eddie quickly changes out his half wet uniform then throws it in the backpack, vaguely aware he smells strongly of coffee. He meets a confused looking Eric at the staff exit door who thankfully just wave him goodbye instead of asking why he’s taking off so soon.

It’s 3 hours before the shift is supposed to end. Usually, he could always find something to do during unexpected free time such as this; to the 2nd hand bookstore just to browse the endless maze of books – _hidden treasures_ – or a stroll with Richie around town. However, as of now, he just feels aimless.

He walks to the bus stop and just as he arrives, the bus is about to depart. He finds a middle seat in the almost empty bus and immediately puts on the earphone, drowning his thoughts with music. But he fails because they remain persistent in trying to break him further. And he likes to drown in them because they’re one of the only things that feels real to him, a reminder that he’s still alive. Not just a ghost, waiting and waiting.

He’s not going back to the café. He’ll talk to June tomorrow. Despite her kindness, he needs to stay away because like everyone else, she’ll be better off.

Then, tired of the unchanging view of cars and buildings outside, he opens up his Facebook page.

Strikes one off for another bad day.

 

*********

 

Eddie stares in grief at the mess of papers, textbooks and stationaries scattered around his desk. He has been trying to focus on absorbing the information in his notes but so far had only succeeded in rereading the same passages over and over again until they got blurry. The words jumble around in his head, moving in multiple directions that leave him chasing to assign meaning for them to make sense. He’s been at it since this morning, making it a total of at least 12 hours and still not getting any result. He wonders how it is even possible to get stupider as time goes by. His mind is fried from the overload of information he struggles to memorise for the test on Monday, a mere one day away.

Maybe it has been a mistake drinking that 3rd cup of coffee 2 hours ago. Or maybe he’s just over reacting and should actually take a little bit time off to rest or even nap. There’s still tomorrow anyway and any desperate students would argue that’s better than nothing right?

Maybe.

He’s just too tired to even answer that monologue.

One thing for sure, it is definitely a mistake putting off revision until the last minute.

It’s just not like him to hold it off. He’s the kind of student who does assignments right away after the first class. Hell, he would read the course materials way ahead before the semester even begins. He was the picture perfect student; a professor’s day dream, but in just 2 months that perfect record is slipping faster than he could imagine.

His grips on the pen tightly, fingers jittery from being so high on caffeine and anxiety. If understanding the material is not an option, then he‘s just going to have to make do with memorising, even if it kills every brain cells he has because he needs to really score because of the 20 points he had already lost. Regret washes over him once more but he brushes it away because it’s just too late for it to even matters.

Richie is watching a rerun of some tv show in the living room, occasionally laughing at some jokes, so loud that even he could hear it despite being separated in the closed spare room. It begins to irritate him as it progresses into an uncontrollable laughter. It doesn’t help that the one of the apartment unit in the building across the street is hosting an insanely loud party. It’s one of the many units occupied by university students, most likely from Brooklyn College. The music is turned up so loud that Eddie could feel the vibration in his chest. The disturbances taunt him, like its mocking him over the lack of control he has on the surrounding. He craves for nothing else other than peace and quiet, more than his sanity actually. But it’s out of his control because those people, they’re just living in their own space, albeit with a lot of intrusion to his own allocated space in the universe.

Eddie is inexplicably angry at the lack of empathy given. At these people who never take it upon themselves to think how their action might affect others. There could be babies around, sick people trying to rest or other students like him who are trying to study for exams. Do they just like not care?

He cares a lot, because there’s a lot riding on the test. Eddie is aware that he’s not super smart like everyone else in the class. Not like Richie who was the valedictorian in high school despite only having to put less work than what Eddie did in order to secure his 3rd place. He knows the value of hard work because it’s his only game plan, the sure shot that would guarantee him results. It’s always been his belief that he just needs to try hard enough to get where he wants and never stopping; essentially fake it until you make it.

Which is why as the party continues and Richie’s laughter becomes louder outside, Eddie grows more perplexed on how everyone could be so dam carefree when he is on the verge of combusting from stress.

They probably don’t have to worry about stuff like scholarship, he reasons bitterly. Probably have rich parents to support them, like Richie whose dad is a successful dentist. Unlike him, who despite his full scholarship still needs a part time job to cover for his daily expenses.

Or maybe, they’re just naturally smart like Richie, a borderline genius who could afford to relax at such critical times like this; a whole different caliber than a student like him. Never good enough despite his hard work, his previous A average painting a pretty picture to look at on paper but not reflecting the struggle he had to go through to achieve that masterpiece.  

_“Not good enough.”_ His mind trails until it awakens the voice that has haunted him for these past few months.

_“We weren’t enough for him.”_

Eddie clasps both hands around the ears, willing the voice that sounds a lot like his mother to go away. However, it’s not like the voice just appears when he lets his mind slip to this point, it’s always there. The only difference that can be ascertained is whether he lets the voice consumes him or set it as white noise that could be ignored for a while.

_“Shut up!”_ He screams soundlessly in his head. Eddie tries but knows a thing or two about losing. It can’t be ignored any longer and claws on his sanity. Eddie sits in front of the desk, shaking. Everything is too much; the cruel voices in his head, the music which becomes louder as the party heats up and Richie singing along to the song from the party. They converge into a storm inside Eddie’s imbalance state of mind and fuel the desperation inside of him for everything to just be quiet. For one second, can the world just stop spinning?

But of course it wouldn’t, and they’re still doing what they’re doing. They keep on pushing. Finally Eddie is pushed over the edge and snaps, stomping to the door and then with all his might, yanks the doorknob until the door slams against the wall.

Richie stops singing, half formed smile turns downward at the obvious anger from Eddie.

“Richie, shut the fuck up? I’m trying to study, asshole!” Eddie shouts, breathing hard. His grip on the doorknob tightens, holding onto it as if it’s an anchor containing the anger from fully taking him over.

Richie looks visibly taken aback at his outburst, coming out of nowhere. His pace pales, it’s not like Eddie to scream at him like this. Yes, there have been times when Eddie was angry at him but never to this extent where his whole body just screams ready for an attack.

“Eds, babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you angry.” Richie apologizes.

Eddie knows he’s telling the truth, he knows it but at this instant, he just wants to be angry. And Richie happens to be here for him to lash out at.

“You know I’m trying to study, I did tell you didn’t I? You just don’t care do you? Eddie shouts once more.

“Eds, of course I care.” Richie counters.

Eddie shakes his head stubbornly, refusing to listen. “No! You know I need to concentrate. Why are you trying to ruin it for me?” Eddie yells.

Richie reaches for the remote and turns the tv off. “Babe, I’m sorry ok. Look the tv’s off.”

“I don’t give a fuck that it’s off. You know Richie, you know,” Eddie bellows, not entirely sure where he is going with this. He’s just too far gone to comprehend how ridiculous he’s being. It’s just shouting like this makes him feels better. It’s unfortunate that Richie is the only one present to become the victim.

“Baby you have to know that I would never make you angry on purpose. I care about you, maybe you’re just tired?” Richie says and moves around the couch to get near him, but not too close. Eddie takes a step back, a clear indication for him to back away.

Eddie notices the crack and the pleading in his voice. Like he’s scared at the way he’s behaving. Richie’s hands are shaking, a sign of nervousness. But he’s choosing to be blind under the self-manufactured rage he has cultivated.

“No I’m not tired. You just don’t give a fuck about anything. You sit on your ass all day and it still works out fine for you. So, no, you don’t care!” Eddie’s words are like venom, expelling the full effect on Richie. He can see the deep hurt growing on his face.

“Eddie, I get that you’re angry and I understand you need to study. But you don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop it.” Richie’s voice is stern, his shoulders rigid from the effort of not getting angry at his boyfriend in return, perhaps sensing that he’s looking for a fight.

Eddie glares at him, bitter and petty. “Why? It’s the truth isn’t it? You don’t ever need to have a care in the world because daddy pays for everything. That’s why you’re always around because you don’t have to work for shit. Because mummy and daddy would come to the rescue,” he taunts, putting more salt to the wound.

“Eddie, stop.” Richie warns. There’s no pleading there, just pure warning.

A voice screams at Eddie to stop what he’s doing. It asks him what he’s trying to achieve from this; why is he trying to get his boyfriend, - who without a doubt cares about him the most - angry. But sometimes he chooses the most inconvenient time to be stubborn and he refuses to back down. “NO! You’re a selfish jerk, you don’t …”

“Eddie what the fuck is wrong with you? SHUT UP!” Richie finally snaps, fighting with a bark of his own.

Eddie flinches involuntarily and sees Richie’s face turns red, fists clenched at the side. Then just like that, all the anger inside of him vanishes. He takes a further step back until his back touches the wall and freezes. His insides drained from emotion, only shame sticking in its rightful place.

Richie remains in his spot with eyes shut, taking off his glasses and then pinching the bridge of his nose. Eddie knows he’s trying to calm himself down. One has to back down and Eddie knows it should be him. Richie has the right to be angry, he was out of line. Worst part is, he didn’t really mean what he just said. All of this damages are for nothing.

Finally, Richie puts his glasses back on and then looks up. His eyes search for Eddie’s, who couldn’t bring himself to do the same. Eddie tries to assemble a tough front. It doesn’t help that with a single blink of the eyes, tears fall down.

“I just need you to be quiet ok.” Eddie says and the closes the door, not giving Richie any chance to respond.

 

*********

 

Richie stands like an idiot, looking at the closed door. Eddie long concealed from view, probably dealing with whatever that has caused his outburst earlier. He couldn’t handle it; can’t stand the image of his boyfriend alone in sadness.

He knocks gently on the door. “Eddie, I’m sorry. Look I promise I’ll be quiet. Please, just come out and let’s talk.” He offers.

Silence is Eddie’s response for now. He waits.

“I need to study Richie.” Finally, Eddie answers, loud enough to bypass the music from the party. Richie can tell he’s been crying. It hurts every part of him.

“Please? Whatever it is, you can tell me. Maybe I can help you.” Still, he persists.

Silence.

Richie thinks about trying the doorknob but stops himself out of respect for Eddie’s personal space. “Can I come in?” He asks, hoping Eddie would let him.

“No Richie, I really need to study.” Eddie’s replies are instantaneous, followed by a click on the lock.

Richie lets out a sigh and concedes, deciding to leave the matter to rest, for now. Besides, there’s no bargaining with Eddie once he decides to be stubborn. “Fine. But remember, you can always talk to me ok?”

“Thank you.” Eddie says.

Richie knows he could never stay mad at his boyfriend, especially when Eddie is sounding all defeated like that. A love so strong suddenly overcomes him and along with this need for Eddie to know. “I love you.” He says.

There’s no reply from the other side of the door.

 

*********

 

Richie doesn’t need to know that when Eddie hears that, he have to bite his fist to keep from crying out loud.

 

*********

 

Richie decides to stop mopping around the small living room to address his growing hunger. Maybe, some pizza would cheer Eddie up. Once again, he walks up to the spare room. “Eds, I’m gonna order some pizza. Would you like the brownies to go? My treat.”  

The brownie is Eddie’s favorite. He once joked that it was better than sex with Richie, who was so offended that he took upon himself to kiss Eddie so hard that the latter got embarrassed, despite they were at home and nobody was around. What they did after was something else and worth revisiting. But as of now, Richie only wishes for a simple dinner with his boyfriend.

There’s no answer. Richie wonders whether Eddie has fallen asleep. He knocks and waits for a response. The door opens out of a sudden and Eddie appears, wearing a coat and his backpack is strapped on the back.

“Where are you going?” Richie asks and then moves out of the way. Eddie has this sort of blankness to his face, along with the dark shadow underneath his sunken, puffy eyes, which is worrying.

“I’m going to the library,” he says nonchalantly.

“Eds, its almost 9,” Richie tells him, scandalized.

Eddie merely shrugs his shoulders before moving around Richie to the exit. Richie immediately grabs on his arm, seeking explanation. “Eddie what’s wrong?”

Eddie gives a subtle shake of the head and gazes at the floor.

“ _You’re lying again_.” Richie wants to say but hold his tongue.

“It’s too loud. I can’t concentrate.” Eddie explains, referring to the party. He pulls away from the grip and sits down to put on his boots while Richie watches.

Eventually, the gear kicks in Richie’s brain. “Wait, let me keep you company. I can drive us.” He proposes.  Eddie pauses and smiles faintly at him, providing him with reassurance that perhaps everything is actually fine all along.

“You don’t have to that. Just stay in. I’m taking the bus.” Eddie however says, crushing the false hope in Richie.

“But Eddie, it’s freezing outside.” Richie protests.

Eddie cups his right cheek and then presses a swift kiss on the other. It makes him temporarily speechless.

“Richie, I’m sorry.” Eddie says. Then he’s out the door, another thing hiding him from Richie. Only this time, he’s no longer in the warm confines of their apartment, he’s outside where it’s cold and scary. It could swallow him whole.

_“I don’t want to lose you.”_ And it haunts Richie, enough to make him want to chase after him. The only thing holding him back is knowing that Eddie wants some time to be alone. And he just has to deal with it; even when it’s painful and unbearable.

He gets to the window overlooking the street across the apartment. He spots Eddie walking to the bus station, his back getting smaller and smaller the nearer he is to the destination. He then returns to the couch, the desire for dinner slipping from his mind entirely. He begins typing a message to his boyfriend, asking him for a text once he’s at the library.

Eddie replies with an ‘ok.’

It might not be what he wants to hear, -  _he wants Eddie to tell him it's a mistake and he's coming home -_  but it's certainly better than nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, i struggle so much with this chapter T.T  
> Hope you like it and please tell me what you think ^.^


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